Card or Love Letter - Which Should You Give?

Valentine's Day is February 14. Here is a great article I found, by L.A. Hunter, on writing a love letter! Enjoy!

Think about how long it takes you to go to the store and pick the right card for your love. In the same amount of time, you can write a spectacular love letter. It's a very unique gift and it has a big impact on the emotions. Below are a few pointers to help you write a great one.

The biggest mistake you can make when writing a love letter is not being sincere. A love letter is something you can't buy, and because of that it means so much more. For example, if you don't like your love's eyes, don't comment on them in the letter. Write about what you do like or what you want to do together. Another mistake would be negativity in the letter. Always think positive and always write about the good. Here's an example, "I'm sorry for my actions, but you just make me angry sometimes." A better way, "I'm sorry for my actions and I cherish you very much."

When you're writing a love letter, it always helps to use whimsical words to enhance the uniqueness and feeling of the letter. If you're like me, you don't normally use these kinds of words everyday. So how do you write a spectacular love letter then? A thesaurus is a valuable tool which can help you create a passionate love letter you can be proud of. If you're not familiar with this, it's like a dictionary, but instead of giving the meaning of the word, it gives synonyms and antonyms. So if you want to write, "I love spending time with you," look up love and pick a word that's appealing to you and switch it. The new sentence is, "I treasure our time together."

Here are some key points to remember when writing your love letter. Always date it. Most people keep their love letters, so when they're reminiscing they'll be delighted to know the date. If you don't like this idea, instead of writing it at the top as usual, write it small on the bottom corner or on the back. And always write what you feel comfortable with, don't force yourself to write about things you're not. If you don't want to write about your love's physical appearance, write about things you want to do or how you feel when you're with or not with your love.

Even more ideas for your letters. Spray their favorite fragrance on the letter. Or better yet, use lavender, it has long been perceived as an aphrodisiac by both men and women. Experiment with different color and textured papers. Sometimes mail the letter and other times leave it for them to find, maybe surrounded by rose petals. For more interest, add sketches such as, little hearts, flowers, or dot your 'I's with hearts. Put a few silk rose petals in the envelope when done. The envelope should give the feel of a love letter. If you are not using fancy paper, draw little heart on the envelope or address it to "My Love __________."

Romance expert and author L.A. Hunter has created two web sites to help you with all your romantic needs.

http://www.Romantic-Secrets.com, is a very special romance boutique where you can find romantic gifts, products and lots of free advice. http://www.RomeosPlaybook.com was created to promote her book "Romeo's Playbook," and also contains oodles of free advice. When she's not talking romance, you might find her singing, dancing and playing games with friends. Her other hobbies include making wine, playing pool and sitting by the fire pit in the summer drinking a beer. Stop by either site and visit awhile.

13 Ways To Use What You Have To Build Intimacy

Often in relationships, we feel we're stuck in a rut or otherwise complain our love lives have lost their luster and we turn to date nights or other expensive outings when what we really should be doing is stop the distractions and focus on each other. Now the holidays have mostly passed, we tend to stay inside & this makes it an excellent time to concentrate on building intimacy in our relationships. Here are thirteen ways to use what we have to build intimacy and rekindle the passion in our relationships: 1 Spend time talking & listening to each other. Having a real conversation brings back that joy of discovery you once had. To some, this sounds too simple; but to this I say, "It's often the simplest things which are the best." To others having a conversation seems impossible. What could you possibly talk about? Avoid potentially threatening topics (you know, the ones that get you arguing) and return to the kinds of things you once talked about until the sun came up... Possibilities include: If you could live in any home on a television series, what would it be? If you had a clone, what would you make it do so you could have free time? Who was your best friend when you were 8? When you were 13? If you could travel anywhere, where would it be & why? Would you hate loosing your sight or hearing most? What's your favorite musical? Nature or nurture? What's your favorite/least favorite commercial? What magazine have you always wanted a subscription to but forget about? 2 Put on that lingerie, dress, sweater or other outfit he gave you as a gift (this year, or ages ago). Men, you too; put put on that tie, tee or whatever she gave you. Not only does this let your lover know you appreciate it, but fulfills their fantasies of seeing you in it. 3 Read ~ together. Create a book club for two by talking about a book (or 10). You need not have two copies as each of you can take turns reading in your spare time, but agree that over the weekend or on Wednesday night, you'll talk about the book together. 4 Read ~ out loud. Be it a poem, a dirty story, or something from the newspaper funnies, read out loud to your lover what you love or what you think your partner will enjoy. (Women love to be read aloud to; and men may find this more fun than they thought if the subject matter is selected properly ~ or improperly! *wink*) 5 Cook a meal together. Open the cookbook, and make a new dish together. (OK, this may require a visit to the grocery store; but you'll have to get food at some point anyway...) 6 Turn off that TV and play a game. 7 If you must watch TV or a movie, remember to reach for & hold your partner's hand. 8 Write holiday 'thank you' cards together. Not only are you spending time together, but being grateful for your family & friends reminds you of the life you've built together. Your family & friends sure will appreciate it too. 9 Pamper your partner. Give her a pedicure; him a massage. Hand him the remote & sit topless at his feet. (And vice-versa are options too!) Do it 'just because', without any expectations, and with a smile. 10 Write love notes and place them where your partner is sure to find them. Don't just say, "I love you," tell them why you love them. 11 Write playful love notes & leave a trail of them, like a scavenger hunt. Start with one note where your partner is sure to find it ~ have part of it be a riddle or clue to where the next note is. When they follow all the clues and find all the notes, give them a reward. The reward can be as simple as a foot rub, as sexy as a oral sex, or as silly as a pudding cup; the point is to have fun! 12 Dress up, but stay home. Ladies, put on that fancy dress, those high heels, your makeup & special occasion perfume. Men, put on that shirt and tie and your cologne too. Light the candles, enjoy cocktails and dance together. Primping for one another makes both you both feel special ~ and sexy. 13 Do the Sunday crossword puzzle together in bed or at the breakfast table together. Alternately, if crosswords aren't your thing, get a bowl of strawberries (maybe some Cool Whip, just in case *wink*) and pour over a few magazines together and mock celebrities or ads. So go ahead, give these a try ~ maybe you'll skip cabin fever and want to stay home with each other all the time! *wink*

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Erotic Fantasies: To Share Or Not To Share (Part One)

The matter of when ~ and if so, how ~ to share erotic fantasies often comes up. Since Secondhand Rose had recently shared her 'shameful perversion' and had mentioned the difficulty in sharing this with lovers, I asked her to address the issue. Here's what she said.

First of all, let me firmly state that as a writer and a phone sex operator who deals in delivering fantasies -- and as a woman who has gone about trying to live them -- there are times when fantasies should remain untried.

This does not mean you shouldn't share them with your partner. Discussing sexual fantasies is not only fun, but it certainly is a part of feeling understood and accepted by your partner. However, just because a lover accepts your fantasies it doesn't mean acting them out is a good idea. On the contrary, sometimes it's a horrible idea.

Sometimes it's a horrible idea if the fantasy's not been particularly well thought-out. It could be you don't realize where that fantasy comes from, where it might take you...

Maybe swapping & sharing partners seems like a thrill, but what about jealousy? Real or imagined, jealousy can be a huge relationship problem, lasting longer than the few minutes of hot action. On the flip side, what if your partner flips for a new partner? Those considering such fantasies need to consider all the possible relationship pratfalls and pitfalls before getting others involved. (For those interested, I highly recommend reading Polyamorously Perverse.)

The trick to avoiding problems is to think about the fantasy, asking yourself, "Just what is this really about?" Why it thrills, what the arousal is from, knowing these things makes it easier to even consider acting them out. Discussing it with a partner might be the best way to see the light of dark fantasies; they'll often point out what they see going on (just don't shoot them for being the messenger!). So think and discuss away, and see if the fantasy still stays.

Forcing yourself to think about fantasies, stripping them of their glamour and appeal to look at the worst-case-scenarios, is the best way to avoid perversion purgatory. And, if you think your fantasies can't survive such scrutiny, then I suggest they are too fragile to stand the real life action too.

It's hard to turn a heavenly erotic fantasy into earthly carnal delights if you've not examined it every-which-way -- not just for the possible consequences, but for it's specificness.

Fantasies have a poor chance of becoming reality if they are not based in reality, and sometimes we've created such specific scenes in our heads that they just can't become reality. As my dear friend, Angela, wrote:

Here is what I did find for myself: I have some very specific taboo fantasies, which have nothing to do with my reality and who I am. But, I did share them with one lover. He tried to act the fantasies out with me. And as good as he was in bed, the fantasy didn't work. God Bless him, he tried.

Sooo....I've come to the conclusion that my fantasy is mine alone. It's so much better in my head than in a real bed.

This can (and will) happen when you've been fantasising about something so specific (and often for quite some time) that no reality can match it. No matter how willing, a partner cannot anticipate your needs as precisely as your imagination can. It's not their fault; there's really no way for a living person to be able to do & say just as you want, when you want, especially when they're up against a script you've perfected in your head for years.

There are some fantasies, no matter what you do or who you do them with, which will ever fade against the vivid images & sensations in your mind.

My last warning about making sex fantasies real has to do with another simple reality of fantasies: they can be selfish.

While fetish and BDSM fantasies are often too specific, making them troublesome to bring to life, the fantasies are often so 'all about you' that the other person is not more than a prop. Often it's about what you feel, not about anything -- anyone -- else. Take the desire to be spanked where the person spanking you is about as just the person wielding the leather paddle, not a person whose arousal matters. As necessary as the paddle, maybe; but about as cared for. When fantasies are so one-sided, so completely about you, it's not fair to ask a lover to play along.

This is often why kink that falls under the BDSM or fetish banners is so powerful as erotic entertainment, and why it's prolific at story sites and good business with PSOs. It's not that these fantasies, or any fantasy, cannot be shared but it's that they are less able to survive in the real world where the fantasy of one must meet the satisfaction of two.

Fantasies like these are often best saved for solo-entertainment, or shared as an aphrodisiac to get lovers in the mood, but not be the sex acts themselves.

Angela recently discussed the differences between fantasies delivered by Professional Dominatrixes and real-world domination. It was a conversation started by Bitchy Jones, and you really should read it, but here's something wise Angela said:

Not all men want to actually BE DOMINATED FOR REAL, thank you very much. They want their impossible fantasy, just for a little bit. They are self-aware enough, and perhaps even self-protective enough, to occasionally get their dirty little itch scratched (via a phone dom or a pro dom), and then get back to the business of their everyday lives. I actually understand wanting a fantasy and not a reality. Because what I get off on by myself and what I get off with a partner are two very different things.

It's a good thing to know if and when there is a difference.

In any of these cases, you can keep the fantasy alive best via a written or a spoken story, or by talking about it with a partner; but it might be best to leave it at that and not ask a partner to participate in it.

However, if you are clear on your fantasies and still believe they are safe to move to reality, then stick around because next time I'll discuss how to share them -- and get them happily fulfilled.

© Secondhand Rose, a writer turned phone companion and conversationalist, who can be found at her blog, Secondhand Rose.

Safe, Sane, and Consensual?

My lesbian erotica has included a few stories that have a BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism) theme. My favorite is "She" in Hot & Bothered 4.


Excerpt:


In that room she stood there. Everywhere I went, she followed me with her eyes. She walked up to me, the only other black in the room, and said, "Get me a drink." I didn't know her and she didn't know me. But she told me to get her a drink, and I did.


Later, at her house, she placed me face down on her bed, my wrists and ankles tied. She reached into a chest, removed a paddle, and whacked my bare bottom until I cried out in pain.


"Come back at six tomorrow," she said.


"Can't I come later?" I asked. "I have a meeting at six."


"No," she said. "I said six. Don't disappoint me."


I remember staring at a bunch of papers while at work, the day after she spanked me, the same day she wanted me to meet her at six, and feeling the pain lingering on my ass. Glorious.


(An excerpt from "She" by Jolie du Pre in Hot and Bothered 4. )


For BDSM to be true BDSM, everything needs to be Safe, Sane and Consensual. We hear this all the time, but do we know what it really means? To explain, here's an article on Safe, Sane and Consensual.


Safe, Sane, and Consensual(SSC)


The big question asked by people who are thinking of getting into BDSM play; "Is this normal?" To answer a question with another question; "Is sexual exploration normal?" The answer is yes; humans are always progressing to create a bigger, better world so why shouldn't they strive to create bigger, better, sore satisfying sexual experiences?The big question you SHOULD be asking about any of your BDSM play is; "Is this SAFE, SANE, and CONSENSUAL?"



"Safe" means you will not injure or bring physical harm to others and yourself. Those who are into rougher forms of play, S&M activities such as spanking and flogging, should not be discouraged because this refers to knowing your limits as well as the limits of your partner(s). Even if your partner suggests another slap with the paddle, be aware that he/she could be "flying" and you should keep a grasp of what your partner is truly capable of handling. A player sometimes gets so caught up in a BDSM activity he/she enters a trance-like state or a state of unrealistic euphoria called flying that can be caused by a combination of rushing endorphins or the intensity of the experience. This mystical or trance-like experience is why BDSM is sometimes referred to as Sexual Magic. Players should check-in with each other every now and then during play to keep the activities safe.



"Sane" in reference to BDSM means understanding the person you are playing with. You do not want to do or say anything to harm your partner(s) emotionally or psychologically. A player should not wind up in the psych ward based on another player's actions or attitude during play. Humiliation is a part of some Domination and Submission play; this is fine as long as the person receiving this type of play consents to the aspects of his/her life, personality, and appearance that will be subject to humiliation. If one player is into "play rape" (and this does not mean a desire to be sexually assaulted or assault another person in real life), that player needs to know if his/her partner would be uncomfortable with that type of play. This brings us back to consent.



"Consent" is reiterated because it is essential for all BDSM activities to be successful. You must have pre-established, explicit consent about all aspects of a session before anyone can start. It is the responsibility of each player to convey what he/she wants and does not want to happen in a scene. If you are the Dom playing in a scene and are not sure about the consent of something you want to do to your Sub, then wait until the scene is over to ask if you can do it the next time. If youre not sure, don't do it; this is a good rule to go by in this context, especially for inexperienced players.


So if everything you want to do in your BDSM experience is SAFE, SANE, and CONSENSUAL, proceed and make your kinky fantasies your realities.


Article Source - Erotic Sex Toys

Clip Art Source - Glitter Graphics


Jolie du Pre is a writer of lesbian erotica and lesbian erotic romance.

Music for blogging - Marilyn Manson

Sex Lubricants Slip Sliding Away

When I was younger I balked at lubricants because I felt I didn't need them. Now that I'm older, lubricants are nice to have and create an exciting sensation. Lubricants can be a bit pricey, depending on what you buy. But the right lubricant is worth the money.

Sex Lubricants Slip Sliding Away

Sexual lubricants and sex oil products are used to heighten intimate joy between partners, or with one's self. Sex lubricants have been known to increase sex stimulation. It is not unique for a women's vagina to not develop sufficient natural lubrication. In these instances intimate lubricants can be a leading asset. Sexual lubricants, sexuality lubricants, anal sexuality lubricants, oil sexuality products, and sexuality massage oil products heighten intimate experiences in a protected and sanitary manner.

There are many types of intimate lubricants. Petroleum based sexuality lubricants; are oil based in makeup and include mineral oil, infant oils, Vaseline products, etc. Do to the system of these unsophisticated based sexuality lubricants, they cannot be used with diaphragms, and latex based products (condoms, etc.). Petroleum based intimate lubricants are too reported to cause inflammation and can annoy the vagina.

Water-based Lubes are the most secure and favorite lubricants for all situations. Typically made of de-ionized water, glycerin, and propylene glycol, they are secure to use with condoms. In addition, water-based lubricants are secure to use with sexuality toys, which are normally made of latex, silicone, or plastic.

It is rare that water-based lubricants cause inflammation, and they don't tarnish clothing. They are safe to ingest, and they come in both flavored and unflavored varieties. They tend to dry out over prolong periods, but a little water or saliva and they relubricate in a flash.

The natural oil lubricants come from sources such as nuts or vegetables. Like petroleum-based lubes, they too tear down latex (diaphragms, condoms, and cervical caps) and mark clothing. However, they do have one key benefit over petroleum-based lubes: they don't cause vaginal itchiness. This makes them excellent for male and female masturbation, as vaginal stimulation.

Silicone-based lubricants offer the benefits of water-based lubricants with the advantage of being waterproof, so they may be used in the bath, shower, jacuzzi, etc. Additionally, they will tend to lubricate longer than water-based lubes. Silicone will not impair latex, so they're safe with condoms and other forms sex toy stimulants; however, it is important to note that they tend to affect adult toys made from silicone. Many people report increased pleasure with the sensation and functioning of a silicone lubricant.

Sexual lubricants, sex lubricants, anal sex lubricants, oil sex products, and sex massage oils are a class of sex toy products. These products are sure to enhance one's sexual satisfaction, and can be used by couples or solo.

You can find additional sex lubricants and sex oils information here and here.

Jolie du Pre is an author of lesbian erotica and erotic romance.

Music for blogging - Tracy Chapman

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Intimacy

Intimacy isn't always sex; nor should it be.

The artist of this work, titled Physical Connection, is enchantedone. She writes of this work:

My idea was for a physical connection between male and female. Not something extremely sexual, but something deffinitly with some tension and sweetness.

Sometimes, this is the best way to establish, or reestablish, a connection.

One For The Guys

7 Tricks for Lasting Longer in Bed. A Crash Course in Sexual Stamina

My extensive experiences with tantric yoga, ancient sexuality practices, and contemporary western therapeutic paradigms have exposed me to many 'tricks-of-the-trade' when it comes to coming.

In this article I'll attempt to distill some of this simple but powerful wisdom. Hopefully men seeking to improve their sexual stamina, or even just to educate themselves sexually, can begin to use this as a roadmap for their quest. And a very worthy quest it is too, (speaking as a woman).

If there is one thing I cannot resist it is a man who is dedicated to learning more about his body and sexuality in general.

I know I speak for a lot of other women when I say that the most important quality in a lover is a commitment to improving the quality of his, and his partner's, sexual experiences.

THE TRICKS TO LASTING LONGER

1. Relax and increase your body awareness.

There are very many techniques out there to help you relax and be more able to 'feel' your body. As a yoga practitioner I have experience with very many powerful relaxation, meditation and breathing techniques.

Perhaps the simplest one is just paying attention to your breathing during sex. Not controlling it, just noticing it.

Masters and Johnson also developed a technique known as "sensate focus exercises" which I use extensively in my practice as sexual surrogate therapist and sex 'coach'.

2. Focus on pleasure in sex, rather than sexual performance.

Let go of any expectations about the outcome of sex. Going into a sexual experience with a 'plan' robs you of any ability to be open minded.

You cannot learn from sex if you are focused on how it should look.

Instead, notice the pleasure as it is happening. The pleasure will show you what is good. It is the ultimate teacher when it comes to sex.

3. Increase awareness of your sexual arousal.

Again, open your awareness to your feelings of pleasure and pay close attention to your arousal levels. Awareness is the first step to understanding; which is itself a step towards mastery.

Focus on your pleasure during sex, during masturbation, or even the subtle pleasure you experience when a gorgeous woman gets on the bus.

4. Extend your sexual arousal to higher levels.

There are many techniques you can learn to extend your pleasure. As you become more aware of your sexual arousal a natural increase in your arousal level is inevitable.

This will happen because you will become familiar and comfortable with your pleasure, and your body will propel you to greater heights naturally.

Be sure to practice sex and pleasure often, so your body can keep teaching you.

5. Master your sexual arousal consistently at higher levels.

As your sexual pleasure naturally increases with more practice, you will begin to 'play' with it.

Manipulate your breathing patterns, sexual energy field and subtle internal sensations, to the point that you can begin to feel mastery over them.

Again, ancient wisdom, sex manuals and other people's experiences are full of eye opening possibilities.

6. Become accustomed to a steady level of intense arousal.

Get into the habit of building your sexual pleasure and indulging in it fully. Let the moments you feel pleasure expand.

Let the arousal continue as if it didn't need to end ever. It will of course, but you don't care when ... just let it happen.

7. Stop thinking.

Drop your conscious mind out of the picture. Investigate or experiment with techniques to get your internal dialogue to shut up.

Experience all of this intense and joyous pleasure, not in your head, not by thinking about it ... but in your body. Feel it!

THE KEY is connecting more deeply to your own sensations and feelings.

Here's a bonus tricky tip for you. It's also the most important one.

8. Remember your own commitment to learn and grow.. . it all comes back to you.

By the way, if some of these tricks seem to be a bit of a tease it's because they are. Each one could be the subject of several very in depth articles or sexuality workshops.

I want you to take the time to ponder these tricks and look further. I wish you well on your adventures and I wish you very much pleasure.

Love,
Mukee

Mukee Okan is an artist mother yogic practitioner and instructor sexual surrogate partner therapist and sacred sexuality teacher. Originally from Australia Mukee has trained and participated in many arenas of life experience. Her training in sacred sexuality has encompassed three complementary streams: the yogic stream, the shamanic stream, and the western medical model of surrogate partner therapy. She continues to explore other traditions and arenas in sacred sexuality.

Jolie du Pre is an author of lesbian erotica and erotic romance. She hopes that you enjoyed this article by Mukee Okan.

Article provided by ArticleWorld.net.

Journal, You Blushing Ladies (And Gents) Meme

You've had a great day and are in the mood; your partner isn't...

Can you get them in the mood?

If so, how?

If not, do you take matters into your own hands? And what props (toys, books, movies) do you use?

If you don't masturbate, what do you do with all that sexual energy?

Whether or not you've pleasure yourself, do you resent, 'keep score' or otherwise negatively note that your partner wouldn't please you?


If you're participating in this at your blog, please use "Blushing Ladies Journal" as a tag. And leave a link to your post in the widget so that others may find them!

Or feel free to post as a comment.

Adult Meme: Q & A

Playing along with this meme...

What's one question you've been expecting to be asked at your blog which has never been asked?

Quite honestly, there's quite a few questions I've been anticipating... Off the top of my head, I'd say I've been expecting to hear, "What's a sure-fire way to get a woman in the mood?"

Why?

Because it's a very common question. *wink*

Answer it.

If you want to please her, go the oral route ~ and read to her!

Put your mouth to good use, for as Woodrow Wyatt once said, "A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears."

It's not just Wyatt and I who say so either; science is backing us up. (See Canli and Gabrieli (2004) and Hamann et al (2004).)

So, read her poems, a story, or a chapter each night before bed. They can be as romantic or as dirty as she likes, but it's a certainty that she'll literally melt before you, with a puddle in her panties to prove it!

What's one question you've wanted to ask your readers, but never have?

Well, it's a question I've long just wanted to ask the world... Since women are so into auditory arousal, why aren't more women calling PSOs (phone sex operators)?

And don't cop-out and say that women don't need to pay for sex. We're talking about having a pro say everything you want to hear... How hot is that?!

Why not?

Just waiting for the right time to act on the impulse, I guess. *wink*

Now what are your thoughts on the matter?

A Question for The Blushing Ladies Journal

A Question for The Blushing Ladies Journal
Inside Jolie's Head - 6/24/2007

Hello there, my name is Stan. I thought you might have some good insight on this issue. I met a really attractive and intelligent woman at a party a few weeks ago. It was a public event at an art gallery. We had been talking for a good half hour and really seemed to be hitting it off. Then, things suddenly went downhill. I commented that she had a nice, full, hourglass figure. I thought she would take it as a compliment. Instead, she became deeply offended. She snapped, "Oh really....well perhaps I should do some plus size modeling!", and then she slapped my face and walked away. Needless to say, it was not my proudest moment.

She had the classic figure of a 50's pinup - large bust, narrow waist, shapely hips/legs. I guess she had interpreted "hourglass" as meaning big/overweight/full figured. I just thought it meant shapely and well proportioned. Also, I'm wondering if she may have been hypersensitive about her figure to begin with. She was part Vietnamese and most women of that ethnic background tend to be petite. She may have always felt awkward about being so voluptuous.

My buddies had watched the scene unfold and were laughing hysterically. When I told them what I had said they shook their heads and said it was never a good idea to comment on a woman's figure, even if I thought it was complimentary. What are your thoughts on this?

Here is Jolie's opinion:

You don't say in what country this happened, but in American society, these days, skinny or thin is the ideal. The shapely Marilyn Monroe physique of the 50's was erased with the emaciated Twiggy look of the 60's. The ideal look grew healthier with the Cindy Crawford look of the 80's, but returned to the anorexic look of a Kate Moss in the 90's. Today, in 2007, the ideal has not gotten much fatter.

Look at the number of female celebrities, Angelina Jolie being the latest victim, who have chosen to starve their bodies. Today there is enormous pressure on women to be thin, at all costs.

I've fallen victim to this trap myself. Everyone tells me I'm thin, but I don't always feel that way. It's crazy.

So, your friends are right. If you're going to compliment a woman's body, be very careful with what you say. Many women are very comfortable in their bodies and would not take offense at what you said, but many more, like that woman, would.

Jolie du Pre is a writer of lesbian erotica and erotic romance

Music for blogging - Pink

The Games Couples Play

When it comes to building intimacy, or rebuilding it, there's not much better than playing games ~ I don't mean mind games, but games with rules ~ card games and board games.

Movies, watching television, going out to events and bars offer little in the way of interaction, and even restaurants can make conversation difficult. But games? Games were designed to get people interacting and talking!

The games need not be adult or even for couples. A good old fashioned, clean, game of Monopoly can be just the thing to help you reconnect. Why? Because games were created to get people interacting.

Games, with their rules, turn-taking and structure, help get the ball rolling. Couples who find themselves with nothing to say, couples who are just getting to know each other, complete strangers or married couples who feel as if they are strangers, can all find themselves actively participating and talking. That's what games were designed to do!

Even angry couples can use games to break those stony silences. Rather than sitting side by side with nothing nice to say (and so remaining silent), rather than wondering what to say that won't lead back to that same old fight, let the game be your focus. Games were invented to be ice breakers, so let them break that icy silence! Following the game instructions sets your topic, playing the game sets your tone ~ to fun!

Feeling disconnected from your spouse? Why not turn off that TV, break out one of those games sitting in the back of the closet and spend time with one another. You never know where it will lead...

Your game need not be for lovers to turn you into lovers. Some of my personal favorites are Sequence and Uno.

Feeling silly? I have a vintage version of the home version of The Newlywed Game that I got at a rummage sale and answering the corny old 1960's questions always has us rolling. And, to be honest, learning a few (admittedly odd) things about each other. (It's also a great game to play with other couples, so I am always looking for different old versions of those retro games to add to my collection. Now you know ~ one of ~ my shameful dirty secrets.)

Feeling more... playful? Uncork that bottle of wine, light some candles and get out a romantic, erotic game.

Looking for ideas? Here are a few naughty game reviews:

Of A Hot Affair quoth Kat, "What is amazing is that there are so many ways to play this game... with 3 different levels, you can personalize the game according to how you are both feeling."

For you kinky folks, there's the Fetish Board Game. "Having explored plenty of kinks before I was surprised at how well the cards covered bondage and voyeurism, in particular. Although the cards are geared to the initiate, I think old hands will find themselves more than entertained by the cards' instructions as well."

With Lesbian Sex! Game, "Kheper Games, Inc. has come up with a wonderful way to get to know your lover and have some fun in the process. I've been with someone who couldn't talk openly about what they wanted, at least in the beginning. How wonderful this deck would have been!" (There's also a hetero version of Sex! too.)

And Roll 'Em Show 'Em is a fun time exploiting sex, money and drinking ~ and good for groups, you swingers you!

So next 'date night', why not order a new game and plan a special night at home enjoying your time together.

Erotica the Power Play Way

Awhile ago I wrote some tips on How To Use Erotica. Once section, Erotica the Power Play Way, got quite a number of emails...

* Master Says
Read to your partner and see how long she can go without touching herself ~ in any way. She is not allowed to rub her legs together, tweak her own nipples, or even use her own mouth (lick lips, bite lower lip etc) without your permission. In order to do so, she must ask "Master, may I?" and you can decide if and when she may have the release she seeks.

* I've Been A Bad Boy, Mother Goose
I enjoy dressing as a stern nanny or Dominatrix for my part, and have him undress for his role as the naughty boy. Then I tell him the rules: "You will listen to the story, and you will not touch yourself. Not one little bit, or you will get a spanking. If you understand, say 'Yes, Mistress'." Once he agrees, I begin to read. Obviously, you will have to follow through each and every time he does touch himself and if he's the sort who adores erotic spankings he is going to try to wanker-off at every word, so you may need to provide additional rules or consequences. Perhaps you'll need to up the ante to nipple twists? Maybe you'll need to tell the bad boy that storytime will end with his going to bed alone if he continues to interrupt... Or maybe he'll need to drop and give you 20 ~ pussy licks, that is! Be flexible in his likes and in his ability to last, and you and your naughty boy will make Mother Goose as much a part of your regular bedtime activities as brushing your teeth.

* Enchanted Erotic Recipe
Leave the book on your partner's pillow with the selected story clearly marked. On top of the book place your handwritten note with instructions: "Read this story, and be prepared for tonight..." If the story is one that you'd like to act out and it requires props of some sort (special outfits, toys, food items, etc), clearly state in your note that she is required to provide such ingredients. Women love, Love, LOVE anticipation. Making her wait for hours (or days if you tell her on Wednesday to prepare for Saturday!) will put her under an enchanted erotic spell.

Most of the emails were from folks who were aroused by the ideas but felt their partner wasn't quite ready to do this yet. How, they wondered, do you get your partner to move past reading and acting on those naughty impulses?

Here are a few beginner steps:

* Shy Try
For partners who are a bit worried about trying something new, this is a great warm-up to 'bigger and better' sex play scenes. One of you selects three stories based on fantasies you've discussed but haven't had the guts to try yet. Take the titles of each one, put them in a 'hat' and have the other draw one that you'll both try that night.

The catch is, that the one of you must be tied up and blindfolded as they listen to the other read the story. This not only removes some of the embarrassment (or discomfort of 'new') and prevents them from quitting/leaving, but the arousal of listening as their partner strokes and touches them transfers the anxiety into arousal... The reader has the power to stop reading and give-in to lusty needs at any time ~ at their own discretion, of course!

* Hands-On
Similar to the 'Shy Guy,' only instead of binding & blindfolding your partner, you tape yourself reading a story (or buy an audio recording to play). As the story is read, massage your partner. Again the combination of touch and listening acts as emotional lube, releasing inhibitions.

The power play comes in when the one massaging feels their partner is putty in their hands and will now try out the story line or act. (It's perfectly fine to make them wait, make them plead!)

* Half-And-Half
Tell your partner that you'll read the start of the story, preferably one that he doesn't know, and then stop reading and have him tell you how he'd finish the story ~ if he pleases you with the story's ending, you'll allow him to act it out.

In any of these scenarios, if your partner is aroused but still not ready to give it a real try, that's OK. So maybe the first few times you still have sex without the 'real' or 'heavy' power play ~ you are both still working on the fantasies. Sometimes it takes a few steps like this for them to feel comfortable enough to really let go.

Don't force it, or get upset. A lusty roll is positive reinforcement, and your patience & understanding will go a long way to reassure them the next time. Then you can take the teasing further into power play ~ and get your way!

Now it's your turn... What ways do you have to turn reading erotica into a fun sexual power play?

When You're Kinkier Than He Is

Dear Blushing Ladies,
What can you do when you are kinkier than your partner?
Signed,
kinkier than an old phone cord

Dear kinkier,

First of all, do you know you are dating yourself with that phone cord reference? *wink*

I'm going to presume that you've tried communicating your needs and that while your partner didn't head for the hills shrieking (or crying) they aren't exactly excited by the prospect of joining you in the pursuit of kink. (If, however, you have not discussed your fantasies and desires then you really should do so ~ even if you just fear think they aren't interested, you should, for many reasons, talk about it.)

Being the 'kinky one' in a relationship can be difficult. You are torn between your desire to get your kink on and your desire to keep things comfortable with your partner. Again, discussing this is the first thing to do because you might be happily surprised to find out your partner is a closet kinko ~ or could even be kinkier than you if they only tried something new. (I don't want to keep lecturing about communication, but it's really important enough to warrant two mentions.)

So anyway, here you are all kinky and no place to unwind. What are you gonna do? Trying to live without it is rough ~ it's the kind of thing which will either lead to resentment (both your own and your partner who fears/feels your withdrawal) or lead to a lackluster sex life. You're going to have to deal with it somehow...

If you're in a committed relationship and everything else is swell but you've got the occasional kink to well, un-kink, here are three things you can try:

1) Tell your partner about your fantasy ~ but rather than framing the conversation as a request, focus on what makes you all hot and bothered. For example, if you'd like to be dominated focus on how that makes you feel, how you like the idea of handing over your power, of letting someone else be in charge after a stressful day.

Expressing your emotional needs and desires may open your partner up to new ways of thinking about your kink and allow for you both to see what things can be done to give you what you need ~ yet in ways that are comfortable for them. In the case of being dominated, perhaps your partner could simply be more commanding or demanding of sex rather than asking. A simple, "Get into that bedroom now!" can be more than enough to get your kink-o-vision working on being dominated in your mind.

Also, discussing what you really like and why can be arousing for both you and your partner. Over at A Slip of a Girl, she discussed how and why seeing men in pantyhose turned her on and her husband went from afraid he'd have to do it, to more than happy to display the hard strength she wanted.

2) Read erotica. Yeah, a big shocker to read this here at an erotica author site, huh? But seriously, reading erotica can help.

Options include reading and masturbating as well as reading before going to bed with your partner. The latter can be viewed as rather tacky by some who feel that then you're screwing them only as some sort of surrogate ~ but you can be classy about this right? You need not be lying in bed, you with your dirty book, and then roll over expecting your partner to finish you off. Instead, you can read the story alone and then go to your mate telling them how much you want them. Or you might read the story early in the day, with or without masturbation, and let the fantasy play in your mind all day... Until you can find your partner and put the moves on him.

(And who knows, maybe there's a story scenario you hadn't thought of which your partner might actually want to try?)

3) Twist your unwanted kink into a different kink. Of course, you have to have a certain amount of kink in your relationship to do this one, but you might be surprised how easily such bargains can be made...

Let's say your kinky fantasy is to be with two women and your wife has declined such an event. You can make a deal that every time you bring this up you get a spanking. One couple I know who has such an arrangement says it works wonders. He gets to talk about it while she gets the satisfaction of spanking and dominating him. After his bum's smacked red, he orally pleases her and she tells him he'd never be able to handle two... Then he gets to take his thrustration frustration out with the old in-and-out. Everyone's a winner!

The important thing is that you give yourself and outlet for your kink. Trying to pretend it isn't important or that it doesn't matter is only going to lead to unhappiness and frustration.

With much affection,
Gracie Passette (on behalf of The Blushing Ladies)

Photo credits: via Flickr.

Have other suggestions? Post 'em!

Have questions? Send 'em in!

Happily Ever After?

In Wedded Blisters, Neely wonders if marriage is something she even wants to enter into. With the media, as she writes, "depicting marriage as this energy-sapping, miserable way of life, where husbands have to practically beg their wives for sex and wives feel like they're not being validated enough by their husbands" she's not enthusiastic:

But what about this daily bombardment of television shows and movies, depicting marriage as the root of all evil? The truth is that these comedies and films play off of real life, and we know this to be the case because we laugh at their humor. We laugh because we recognize truth. People love shows like Everybody Loves Raymond because a depiction of an average guy dealing with the daily struggles of marriage is true to the way it is outside of that rectangular, silver screen. Unmarried couples may not entirely relate to the humor but they understand that this is what they'll eventually encounter once they walk down the aisle. Are we destined for the same path as Ed and Peggy Bundy, we wonder.

So we turn off our televisions, looking elsewhere for signs of encouragement, only to be bombarded by another reality check on the state of marriage today: the nation's divorce rate, which towers over us at all times, giving us very good reason to doubt that we will escape the odds.

The media's reflection of our marital problems may be exaggerated ~ but as Neely points out, it's funny because it's true. Marriage is a tricky thing, and certainly our libidos aren't magically put in sync just because we live together. But if I were to look at our media for answers regarding how we've got to this place where Ed and Peggy Bundy are more typical than representative of our greatest fears, I'd say the problem lies with the fantasy of marriage.

From early on we are fed fantasies wherein once love is found they ride off into the sunset. If the story is supposed to be saying "and they lived happily ever after," they never show it. In film, finding one's mate is the end of the story when in truth it should be just the beginning.

While we often are entertained by (and feed-off of) the drama of 'the chase' and the obstacles faced in the pursuit, we forget that 'ever after' is a story complete with dramas of its own. There are obstacles, chases and pursuits to be found in every marriage and I think we should thank our lucky stars for that ~ for each one is a chance to reaffirm our love and dedication.

In the romantic movies, our heroes and heroines do not crumple at the first (or even the 10th) problem presented ~ instead they keep their eye on the prize and fight for the chance at true love. Shouldn't we view and pursue our marriages with the same ardor, passion and dedication?

Work, bills, children, household chores ~ surely none of these is as difficult as the matter of finding, competing for, and securing your mate. (And in truth, now that we are a couple we can attack these problems together; it's you and me against the world, kid.)

He's a morning person while she's most definitely not, he's stressed out at the job, she's afraid she's not as lovely as she once was ~ surely these will yield to the holding of hands, a quiet shared look in a crowded room, a secret slap on the bottom...

We are presented with a myriad of opportunities to sweep our partners off their feet, seduce and charm our ways into their beds, and show that obstacles mean nothing in light of our love.

We need not be complete drama lovers and go overboard creating chaos or imagining things ready to tear the marriage apart, but we can view the problems, difficulties and obstacles with more passion. We can treat each obstacle as the romantic lead does: as a chance to prove our love and win our mate.

And of course, at the end of the day we should be as eager to fall into bed.

The Sweet Smell of Sex

Over at Pretty Dumb Things, Chelsea Girl wonders about her committed relationship and why they are having less than stellar sex:

And I have tried, I have tried and I have tried to get Donny to hear my complaints. I have mentioned how he used to tie me up and wasn't that fun, wouldn't he like a go at the old ropes again? I have said, wow, I really liked it when you dripped me with candle wax, whaddaya think, got a match? I have said, you know, I really enjoy being spanked. How about spanking me? I have insinuated, intimated, directly addressed, queried, said outright and asked point blank. I have done so for almost a year, and for almost a year, I have seen our sex life get more and more firmly entrenched in what I can only term in absolute honesty as a rut.

Saturday, I lost patience, and I kinda sorta, no really, let Donny have it. I told him that I was dissatisfied. I reminded him of the sex we used to have--long, languorous and perverse loops of time and experience where we held each other suspended in passion and occasional pain. I told him that I realized that this kind of sex wasn't an everyday option, but given how rarely we do fuck, that I needed it to happen more frequently than it had.

I told him, in short, that we were in a rut. I told him that I wanted out. Whether I meant the rut or the relationship was intentionally ambiguous.

"Well," he said, a stricken look on his face, "when I met you and we did all that stuff, I wasn't in love with you. But now I love you, and..." his voice trailed off.

Which leaves me to wonder. What has love got to do with it? Why now that my boyfriend is in love with me and I with him, now that he takes care of me, now that he's committed to me, why with all of that, does the nasty need to go away? Why can't he fuck me like the little whore I used to be (and still am in my mind)? Why must I sacrifice the wild ecstatic pleasures to the domestic delights? Why do I have to lose my lover to gain a partner?

Why can't I have it all?

...I hope fervently that we can relearn how to be beasty in the bedroom and keep the commitment. It's a lot less easy than I thought it would be.

Yes, Chelsea, it is. It will be. Relationships take work and sometimes that work along with the daily grind make sex between committed partners seem more like sex with a friend or a sibling even. (Yeesh!)

That spark, that je ne sais quoi, that makes folks tumble into bed together is dampened if not completely put out by the wet blanked of security, familiarity and comfort which we all prize in our relationships ~ well, at least until it smothers the sex, then we wonder if it's all it's cracked-up to be.

Without trying to play counselor to Chelsea and Donny ~ the former I've 'conversed with' a few times, the later I don't know from Adam ~ I do have general advice for this general situation of a general sexual rut. And it's really simple: Hit him in the nose.

No, not literally. Use his sense of smell to get him in the mood.

Memories, complete with all associated emotions such as arousal and lust, can be prompted by smell. I'm serious ~ it works for both men and women. And I'm not talking about pheromones or other odors you either aren't aware of or cannot control; I'm talking about recreating the fragrances you both fell in lust with. Your perfume, his cologne, candles, incense ~ even the smell of a smoky bar can literally be that magic "something in the air" which you've been missing.

Smells are strongly linked to memory, so simply spritzing on that signature perfume you always used to wear when you were dating or lighting candles in the same scents you first made-out to can take your partner back to those emotional feelings. I personally know a couple whose sex life soared to re-newed heights when she took a part-time job back in waitressing. Every night that she returned home smelling of fried foods it took him back to when he used to pick her up after work late at night... They were young then, and their night was just beginning...

Who knew fried foods could be so sexy?

Well, in truth, it's not the fried foods but the smell connected to emotion. One whiff and he was transported back in time... A time when he couldn't wait to get a chance to feel her up under her polyester uniform and prayed for more. His drive returned with the memories (and she made a bit of extra spending cash to buy herself new trinkets which made her feel sexy too). Win-win!

So dig out that bottle of perfume or cologne you once put on for every date night ~ I don't care if those fragrances are so last year (or even so 1980's), just put them on again. (Unless these bottles themselves have turned bad, then head to the store and buy a new bottle. If they stopped making that fragrance, ask the lady at the perfume counter to help you find the latest scent which is the closest match.) Ditto on the candles ~ burn Christmas candles all year long if you were getting hot and sweaty during holiday time.

If you don't believe me ~ and Gracie can make many a man heel with just a spritz of CoCo Channel on stationary ~ then believe Dr. Alan Hirsch founder of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago. Dr. Hirsch has studied olfactory-evoked nostalgia (sometimes called the Proust Effect) and he says, "The quickest way to affect somebody's moods or behavior, quicker than with any other sensory modality, is with smell."

This is because of how smell and memory are linked ~ in fact, we must first remember a smell before identifying it. This means that not only is odor linked to experiences, that smell evokes memories, but that smell is better at this memory cue effect than the other senses. So if you want him to remember a special time, a special feeling ~ that feeling ~ think less about how you look or what you are wearing, but about what you both are smelling.

This is entirely unconscious, so you need not get your partner to agree ~ or even tell them about your sweet-smelling seduction plans!

Of course, some scent memories may have changed over time. For example, some women can no longer wear their old favorite fragrance because that smell is linked to the memory, and nausea, of morning sickness. But this too is good news ~ it's proof that your smell-memory connection can be relearned. If your partner isn't keen on smelling like fried foods every night just to get it on, start spritzing on a new perfume, lighting candles, or even get a new car fragrance tree on the rear-view if you can't wait to get home to do it ~ whatever new scent you add to the hot steamy sex will quickly become the new sexy smell memory.

If all else fails, serve him pumpkin pie while burning a lavender candle. Dr. Hirsch found the smell of pumpkin pie, when mixed with the smell of lavender, stimulated male sexual arousal more than any other aroma tested. It increased penile blood flow in test subjects by 40 per cent, 13 times more than designer perfume.

Carrie White: Seven Years of Creating Fantasies

Carrie White is based in London, but her erotic literary work has gained international respect ~ proving love and lust know no international boundaries.

She began writing professionally in the year 2000 and has been published in many web-based publications, printed erotic magazines and has also made various international T.V appearances, including Playboy's Sexcetera & Men & Motors' Fetish Seen.

That's seven years of creating fantasies... Professionally anyway. *wink* How does she do it? Let's ask her.

Carrie, coming up with story after story, fantasy after fantasy, how do you do it and not become bored or jaded? What puts the spark back in the writer?

It's easy to get bored writing the same type of stories all the time as you probably know so over the years I've been slowly changing the way I write.

When I first started as an erotic writer, I just stuck to heterosexual sex as it was so easy but then I got fed up with writing about that and wanted to liven things up a bit so I tried writing about lesbian/bisexual sex. After that, I made some attempts at writing gay sex. They all sound so easy to do but they each have their own difficulties to overcome. For example, gay sex is hard to write about if you're a woman and haven't a clue as to how men relate to one another. It takes time, practice and research to figure it out and I've got it wrong on many occasions!

I'm also attempting to write outside of my usual interests though I wouldn't go so far into those areas because I feel my stories have to turn me on to work. I've written some light spanking stories again back with heterosexual couples.

I've also wanted to write about situations and sexual liaisons outside of the conventional meetings between people, i.e. Dogging or Glory hole sex. Just to spice things up for me as well as my readers. I will not, however, write about anything that I do not find overly exciting myself e.g. fetishes like men in nappies or dressing up in animal costumes.

I have been known to add a bit of psychological horror or intrigue in with my erotic stories; not enough to class them as erotic horror but just enough to add a twist. It's also not usually strong enough for readers to say, "Gads, that does not turn me on!" I like to think it makes them think, lol, but I could be wrong!

What lessons are there here for couples?

The lessons here that I see for couples is that if erotic writers can become bored and uninspired whilst writing about sex, isn't it then likely or possible that couples may also become stale in the bedroom?

To keep churning out the same old style and type of stories as a writer is equally as bad as letting your intimate relationships get stuck in a rut. Add variety, push some boundaries. Dress up, remember how it used to be when you started to go out with your partner, remember what turned you on about them then. Talk about your fantasies, and about theirs.

Don't neglect some of the most important aspects of foreplay like kissing. Hell, don't neglect the foreplay! A lot of women are unable to climax through orgasm so 9 times out of 10 these women are left frustrated because they need oral to orgasm. If your man comes every time you have sex, why the hell shouldn't you, too?

OK, I touched on a sore point here...ahem...I'll shut up now....;)

You can find out more about author Carrie White and her writings at her website, Hentracks, and at her blog, Ink's Erotica.

So Glad I'm No Longer Single

This is just too cute true not to share: Unsolicited Advice #361.

(You know, making a relationship work, keeping the spark alive may be hard, but man-0-man am I glad I'm not single!)

Rachel Kramer Bussel on One Night Stands and Other Fantasies For Couples

One of the most popular themes in erotic stories is the "one night stand" or "sex with strangers" theme. It's a dark stormy night, they are trapped in an unfamiliar place... all alone, until... Or their eyes lock at the airport and they share more than a taxi...

I know many happily married people who would never stray or cheat who love these sorts of stories. I don't think it means their relationship is 'doomed' *wink* But I thought I'd ask Rachel Kramer Bussel, erotic author, editor and host of the erotic reading series, In The Flesh, what she thought...

Rachel, what do you think reading 'one night stand' or 'sex with a stranger' stories means as far as the reader's relationship goes? What are these readers looking for?

I think there's a massive difference between having a fantasy and especially reading or writing an erotica story and wanting to actually do that thing in real life. But plenty of people like to explore the idea of opening up their relationship. I think it's totally natural to get turned on by other people, whether real people or celebrities or strangers you pass on the street. It doesn't mean anything in terms of the person you're actually with, and to me, one of the hottest things couples can do is fantasize together. So rather than just keeping your lust for your hot new coworker a secret, you can tell your husband or wife or boyfriend or girlfriend and together you can weave a fantasy about what you would do with that person. Or you don't even have to go there; you can fantasize about what that person's sex life is like, you can put all your most naughty thoughts onto them.

I think people turn to erotica to give them something they don't necessarily have in their sex life, or to share something with a partner, to either read aloud or explore in their head. I would say most people have sexual fantasies lurking somewhere in their minds, whether overtly or in the more hidden reaches and reading erotica can help bring that out. I certainly don't think it means a relationship is doomed even if you have the wildest fantasies imaginable. In some
ways, I'd worry about a person if they never had some wild, outrageous sexual fantasy.

For instance, in She's on Top there's a story called "Working Late" by Andrea Dale. Here's a snippet:

"Good. Keep stroking yourself, but not enough to come yet."

I imagined his hand gripping his hard, slick length under the desk, sliding from balls to tip, with a little twist at the end to give the head extra stimulation. It was something I loved to watch, but I could imagine well enough.

My toes curled in my stockings. I wanted him. Soon.

"Ma'am!"

"Yes, Jack?"

He was frozen in place, eyes wide.

"I just saw my boss walk by. I . . . I need to stop."

Felicity Jordan, his new CEO. He'd admitted he was quite attracted to her. She was a sexy thing, to be sure: forty-five and mature, with a gym-strong body and wheat-colored hair cut in a thick bob.

"No," I said. "Keep going."

He broke protocol then, but I wouldn't hold it against him because he had a valid point. "We agreed this would never interfere with or jeopardize my job."

"And it won't, Jack. Keep going." I smiled again, a fresh wave of desire shivering through me as the game advanced. "I've made arrangements with Felicity. That would be Ms. Jordan to you tonight."

It explores how a husband's fantasies about another woman get incorporated into his kinky exchange with his wife. I think sometimes people feel so threatened by the idea of their partner thinking of someone else in that way, they fail to appreciate how erotic it can be to draw out that fantasy, tease the person, ask what exactly they would do if they got their object of affection all alone. I'm sure it can't be just me who gets off on hearing my partner share intimate details about what they think about when they jerk off. To me, that's such a precious insight into their mind and libido and I truly treasure it.

How can a couple address these issues in their own relationships?

There are different ways, but I think the first is to acknowledge the reality that over time, you'll likely want to do things your partner might not or have erotic thoughts that aren't exactly in line with your partner's, and that's okay. The trick is to figure out how you can combine them, where your interests do intersect, and how you can make this process hot for both of you.

I'm a huge fan of talking dirty, but maybe you're more visual. Finding ways to just add a new twist, whether that's eating a meal naked in your kitchen or having some special symbol for "I'm horny" that you can flash to each other at a party or on an airplane. Maybe it's writing erotic letters (or emails or text messages) to each other. There are lots of ways, and they can be subtle. Even if you're shy and don't want to explicitly talk about your fantasy, you can hint to your partner -- or make them guess.

I think accepting that fantasies of all kinds are perfectly healthy and don't threaten the relationship, which I consider part of self-love, is the first step, then together figuring out how you want to deal with such fantasies. And making sure you each have room for solo time, whether for masturbation, porn, erotic reading, or just having some area of your life that may be all your own, whether a few minutes pleasuring yourself in the shower or those intimate thoughts you don't wind up sharing but keep tucked away.

Here's a snippet from He's on Top, from Gwen Masters' story "Confession," which is a bit rougher and darker than what I was just talking about but addresses the essence of silence and fantasy and love and betrayal and arousal in this story about cheating -- and making up.

"Did you confess all your sins, Clarice?"

"Yes."

"I want you to confess them to me. I want you to tell me all the bad things you have done. I want you to tell me how you fucked me even while you didn't love me, and I want you to tell me how you faked those orgasms, and I want you to tell me how bad you want this cock in your ass."

Clarice started to tremble. The head of her husband's cock pressed hard against her back door and she tensed up, suddenly afraid.

"Confess," he whispered.

"I fucked a man I didn't love," she said, and as she did, she felt him push harder. Now there was a slow burning sensation between her cheeks, but she found it was more pleasant than anything else. "I faked orgasms for a long time. I acted like the good wife when I really wasn't."

"Tell me more."

"I played with myself while my husband was at work," she said, and Max paused in surprise. Clarice bit down hard on her lip while the burning spread, filling her whole center, making her whimper in protest.

"I'm not going to stop," he said, "Because I know you don't want me to. Confess."

"When I played with myself I pretended that I was fucking someone else. I pretended my husband was tied to the chair in the bedroom and made to watch while someone else made me come over and over and over."

Max pushed harder. Clarice cried out with the sudden flash of pain. Almost immediately the pleasure took over and then there was a dull roaring in her ears, the sound of her own blood pumping furiously. Her clit throbbed.

"Do you like being fucked up the ass, Clarice? Do you like feeling like a slut? Only sluts do that, you know. No good Catholic girl would dream of letting a man sodomize her. This makes you a Godless heathen, doesn't it? It makes you a slut, Clarice."

With that her husband shoved his cock to the hilt, buried himself between her cheeks and ground down hard against her. It hurt like hell but God help her, she wanted it. She cried out and thrashed under him, not sure if she really wanted to get away, knowing damn good and well he wouldn't let her anyway.

About Rachel Kramer Bussel:

I've edited a dozen anthologies, most recently He's on Top, She's on Top, Caught Looking and Naughty Spanking Stories from A to Z. My website is rachelkramerbussel.com and my blogs are Lusty Lady and the less naughty, but still very seductive, Cup Cakes Take The Cake.

The Thrill of True Intimacy

I love to write stories that focus on intimacy. In fact, I try to find intimacy somewhere in any story, whether it be a scenario of a one-night-stand or a long-term relationship. Intimacy is all about emotion, about the connections that little to do with the sexual act itself, but can make that act so much more pleasing.

Creating intimacy in stories means creating a character that readers can relate to, someone who has fears and issues and needs that mirror our own. If you feel as though you are reading about a friend instead of a character created on a page, then you've just read a story that's loaded with intimacy. Creating that is sometimes very easy; other times, it's not so easy, because it means delving into my own psyche, my own relationships, and finding parts to share with the world. It's like a very intense, personal therapy session.

That deep introspection came into play when I wrote Something Old, Something New, one of my short stories featured on Tit-Elation. The story is about Karen and Heather, two women who have kids, mortgages, long-term marriages and years of friendship between them. When they walk into a thrift store to buy jeans for their kids, they stumble upon the basket of lingerie - and the wheels begin to turn.

Karen picked up a leopard print thong and a matching bra and announced, "These are mine!"

Heather was more for the black lingerie. Anything black - it was suddenly what she had to have. Why hadn't she done this in so long? She remembered shopping for things when she was dating Ken, spending hours in lingerie stores, when she had more money than she knew what to do with, before kids and responsibilities came along. She used to surprise him with new things. Pretty gowns, gorgeous babydoll outfits, even negligees with daring cutouts in all the right places. Where had that woman gone?

How long has it been since they dressed up for their husbands? In the midst of their busy lives, the dial on their sex lives has been turned way down, and they hadn't noticed it until now. The days of newlyweds are long gone – but could they possibly bring them back?

Even in the most solid relationship, even when you know someone better than you know yourself, there is still room for sensual surprise. When Karen brings home a drawerful of lingerie, she rekindles a passion in her husband that reminds her of the things that attracted her in the first place.

I wrote that story with an eye toward my own life. My sex life with my partner was good, but what could I do to make it better? What were the first things to fall to the wayside in the course of our busy lives? What was it that connected me to him in the very beginning, when our love was fresh and new? What could I do to find those things again?

It wasn't at all about the sexuality - it was about the things that made the sexuality richer. When I paid attention to the little details of romance, everything about our lives went from good to fantastic.

I left love notes in unexpected places. I made a point of wearing his favorite perfume. I cuddled with him in restaurants and held his hand in public. I sent him emails telling him what I loved about him. I called him at work and teased him with my words. I bought clothes that appealed to him - even those stiletto heeled boots I swore I would never wear! I wore them and they turned him on, not just because he loves a woman in stiletto heels, but because I had remembered that small fact and then made a point of acting upon it.

Most importantly, we talked. I told him about my fears, my dreams, my desires, and he told me such things in return. As I learned more about him, I learned about things that turned him on - even after I thought I knew everything that made him tick!

When we went to bed at night, the intimacy I had shown him outside of the bedroom translated to glorious sexual intimacy between the sheets.

That growing intimacy between us did wonders for my own emotional well-being. I was wearing those heels for him in the beginning, but soon I was wearing them for me - because they made me feel sexy. Writing a love note made me feel desirable, as I described all the things I loved about him and all the reasons I was attracted to him. I started to do things for myself that made me feel deliciously sensual, like getting a massage, having my nails done, or buying new lingerie.
The confidence that shone from my sensuality boosted his confidence, too. He felt like the stud I couldn't wait to get my hands on. I felt like the woman he desired above all else.

We kept the lines of communication open, made a conscientious effort to please each other outside of the bedroom, and kept our emotional connection strong. Now our time behind that bedroom door is a reflection of just how good the rest of our relationship really is.

One of the most important lessons I've learned over the years is this: Intimacy with yourself is just as important as intimacy with your partner. The two of them feed from one another, grow together, and leave you not only as a more satisfied person, but as half of a much happier couple.

© Gwen Masters

Gwen Masters is a redheaded southern belle who drives way too fast, plays the music way too loud, and writes some of my favorite erotica. You can find out more about her at her website, GwenMasters.Net, and her bog.

Sexploration

There comes a time in every relationship where the sex just gets boring! Ok, I'm sure that there are some relationships out there where this isn't a fact, but I know that it happens often. There's a reason why 1 in 5 marriages are non-sexual (numbers varying depending on what study you're looking at). The fact of the matter is women (and sometimes men) just get tired of the old "you do this to me and I do this to you and then you sigh like that and I move on to part two..." routine. That's the point - it gets to be routine when you learn what you partner likes. And you might be giving them orgasms, but it doesn't mean it hasn't gotten boring.

Try taking a break from sex. Seriously. Just intercourse though. You're still going to have some fun. Take the amount of time that passes between your sexual encounters with you partner and double it. Now for that amount of time, vow that there will be no penetration between you (if you're a lesbian couple replace penetration with whatever is your definition of the culmination of sex). Or no orgasms. But that doesn't mean no intimacy.

For one night focus on touch. You can touch each other however you like but you can't move on to penetration. Find new erogenous zones, bring the excitement high, then back up until you are both calm. The next night, focus on your audio-erotic senses. Read each other naughty stories, listen to sensual music, or tell you partner what you would like him or her to do to you. Play little games with each other for the next while until you time is up.

When you time is up, bring every thing you have learned about your partner with you to the bedroom. Use it and play with it. This time you can culminate your passions any way you choose. Whatever you do, I'll bet it won't be boring.

How To Get Along With Boys

It's EASY to Win Him!

..When You Know How!

Times haven't changed... Much. We still wonder how to win our mates, just like they did when this vintage dating self-help book was published.

The old ad reads:

Men are funny ~ you never know whether you're making the right move or not. Avoid disappointment, heart-break! Save yourself lots of tragedy!

And what happens when you've won him? Isn't he still 'funny' or hard to read? Don't you still worry if you're making the right move or not?

While some of the questions posed in this old publication, like "How To Have Personality," may seem rather corny ~ and I'm sure the answers wouldn't be any better or accepted by us today ~ most of the questions still are asked by women today. Women who are trying to understand their partner, or by those who wish married life was more like when they were dating. I know men feel the same way too...

When dating we are at once trying to be understood as well as be understanding. We are focused on the other person and enjoy being the focus ourselves. If we are serious about knowing the other person and being known in return (the only way both people can be accepted is to be known) we expose some of ourselves as we try to see more of the other person. It's kind of like stripping the emotional clothing off to see the naked person beneath ~ as I remove something, so does he. And when we first see those new parts, we marvel and compliment each other. We accept one another. Should we see something concerning or problematic, we talk about it and try to work it out because, after all, while dating we are very aware that we ourselves are not perfect and we too would like to be accepted if not appreciated.

The real difference between dating and staying in a committed relationship is really our attitudes. After all, we do know 'how to get along with him'; we've got him. Wouldn't it be wise and a whole lot more fun if we treated our committed relationships more like dating, if we continued to focus on these 'how tos' that we mastered while dating?

(For more fun Gracie says: Click the pic to see/read a larger version ~ and the book has been reprinted and is for sale here.)

If Love Is Blind, What Are Romance and Arousal?

Gracie ask erotic romance author Alessia Brio about fantasies and what it takes to make them...

When creating short stories, you are creating fantasies ~ how do you come up with the ideas?

I have a wicked imagination. *grin* When writing, I typically tone it down a notch or two so as not to shock the readers (or alienate the publishers). My work is predominantly published in the romance genre, and that industry has a rather... um, narrow framework for its sex. I'm not a fan of rules, but I do need to earn a living. Ideas are never a problem for me. Finding time to package them into marketable works? Yeah, THAT is a problem.

What do readers say about your stories? What do they seem to respond to the most?

The words that pop up most frequently in my feedback are "irreverent," "realistic," and "raw." I'm somewhat of an acquired taste and that spills over into my characters. Readers respond well to their humor and their (as one reviewer put it) "unapologetic sexuality." (In other words, their natural sluttiness.) I have a tough time writing a protagonist who doesn't share my values, and I think that gives my work a unique flavor.

What is the number one thing writing erotic romance stories has taught you personally about yourself?

That I'm not "normal" (as my writing partner is fond of reminding me). Normal is boring. Releasing a fantasy into the wild is a frightening venture. Erotic fiction (I still have a hard time using the word romance), moreso than other products of the imagination, is particularly susceptible to criticism. Sex is something we all have in common. It's inescapable. Thus, everyone has an opinion on it. As writers, we're dancing naked in front of a crowd, and the audience is either going to be aroused -- or bored. Fortunately, I don't suffer from performance anxiety.

What is the number one thing you think couples can learn from reading erotic romance? And in particular, what do you think your stories say? As in, "The moral of my stories would be..."

Hmm. That depends on whether they're reading it together or separately. The biggest obstacle to enriching a couple's sex life is that first frank conversation. I think reading that erotic fiction TOGETHER would have enormous payoffs in terms of opening those lines of communication.

My stories, in particular, emphasize that gender is irrelevant in terms of eroticism. It's the person's mind that ultimately attracts us, not their plumbing. That basic truth also extends to other differences (such as race, age, disability, faith, etc.). So, my underlying "message" is always one of acceptance.

I agree that our minds are the biggest turn-ons, that our brains are the biggest & most important sex organs; but so many people worry about not looking like a model or being unable to swing from chandeliers... What specifically do you think makes a story, a fantasy, erotic? In other words, what do you do in creating a fantasy, in the writing of a story which would translate to couples doing this in their relationships?

One of the ways I've learned I differ from a great many people is that I'm not visually stimulated -- as least not primarily so. In fact, it's the last of my senses to be triggered during sex. Thus, the eroticism in my work is not visual in nature. I rarely describe physical attributes as they're SEEN, but rather as they're felt or heard or smelled or tasted. That makes it easier for a variety of readers to insert themselves into my work.

I think that in order to "swing from the chandeliers," we need to focus less on the visual and more on the other senses. Very few people look like cover models. Women, in particular, seem prone to being overly critical of their appearances. My recommendation--as an experiment for timid couples--is to BOTH wear a blindfold until you learn to rely on the other senses for arousal.

And so, on that note, we have the answer to the question, If Love Is Blind, What Are Romance and Arousal?

Romance and arousal are blindfolded. *wink*

Alessia Brio is a sassy tart who lives in the mountains near Pittsburgh where she masquerades as a soccer mom. Her debut publication, a single-author anthology of poetry and erotic fiction entitled fine flickering hungers, recently won the 2007 EPPIE Award for Best Erotica. When she's not writing, editing, or designing covers, she gets off annoying uptight bureaucrats and embarrassing her children. Her fetishes include SuDoku, office supplies, and stainless steel. Alessia believes that words are our most powerful weapon in the war against bigotry and intolerance. Hers are guaranteed to get under even the thickest skin. You can visit her online at www.alessiabrio.com.