High-Five Friday

1) A review of Brett Kahr's Who's Been Sleeping in Your Head?:

Inspired by the psychological insights of Sigmund Freud, the methodological rigor of Alfred Kinsey and the writings of Nancy Friday on female sexuality, Kahr launched a research project to "answer some basic questions," chief among them, "Do our fantasies represent just a bit of private fun, or do they have more profound implications for how we lead our lives?"

2) DIY Erotica at The Sydney Morning Herald.

3) The finalists for the 20th annual Lambda Literary Awards (for the best in LGBT literature) have been named ~ and yes, that includes erotica!

4) Step This Way Please, an erotic story of vibe-play by janiexx (with a few photos of Fetish Kitten too!)

5) Neighborly Hospitality, by AfroerotiK's Scottie Lowe... Yummy!

Find out how to give your High-Five Fridays here!

The purpose of this meme is to give high-fives to 5 people, posts, blogs and/or websites you've admired during the week. I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 5 high-fives on Friday. Trackbacks, pings, linky widgets, comment links accepted!

Visiting fellow High-Fivers is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your High-Fives in others comments (please note if NWS).

Find more High-Five Friday folks here!

Show & Tell Adult Meme: End Of The Year Edition

Sure to be cross-posted because I blog too darn much :p

1 What was your very favorite post you made this past year?

While I seem to enjoy making things 'all about me', and did author this question, in actuality this question makes me nervous...

But I'll go with Fantasy Vs. Reality: What Is Cheating? because it's still a very valid question/conversation. Feel free to keep it going by adding your own thoughts.

2 What post was the most effective post you made this past year? (Based on links to it, comments, emails, sales etc.)

Skanky Panties & The Business of Faux Fish Juices wins, hands down (no pun intended... maybe) because of the number of emails asking for everything from who I personally knew that was ethical to how much money could they make... And oh yeah, let's not forget the number of offers for my panties. (When offers run above $250, I may just consider it!)

3 What are three of your favorite posts/articles that you've read this past year? (Not your own, but the works of others.) And do tell us all why you selected them.

I know I wrote this question, but I fear it may get me killed by kittens, Sex Kittens that is :p So I'm just going to say, yet again, that all the Sex Kittens humble and awe me for their honesty, wit, humor, intelligence and desire to share with all of us.

And, should you be looking for more to read, check out what the kittens and tom cats are posting in the forum.

4 What was the most surprising thing you learned in 2007?

That people continue to prefer to email vs. posting comments, especially when it comes to sexual topics.

5 What was the most valuable thing or lesson you learned in 2007?

That flesh will remind you of the speed at which you can work. I was very ill this year and I'm working on being kinder to my being.

6 Is there anything you wanted to learn this past year that you did not? Why not? And are you going to make this a goal for 2008?

My goal to make sex more mainstream, which is nearly a decade long Internet struggle ~ and longer in the 'real world', has not been met.

It's a very large goal and I'm beginning to see the path more clearly, even written down some of the steps I'll need to take. I'm sure I'll announce them here as I achieve them, but I won't jinx them by listing them here.

It may take another decade. And I'm committed to it.

Optional (but worth 100 extra Marketing Whore Bucks lol): For most of us, guarding our identities means not taking/publishing photos, but I double-dog dare you to take some photo of yourself, crop it to remove what you think is necessary to keep your privacy but still gives something special (and hopefully naughty) of you away ~ and publish it on your blog.





To participate, see how here. Thanks :)

Erotic Fantasies: To Share Or Not To Share (Part One)

The matter of when ~ and if so, how ~ to share erotic fantasies often comes up. Since Secondhand Rose had recently shared her 'shameful perversion' and had mentioned the difficulty in sharing this with lovers, I asked her to address the issue. Here's what she said.

First of all, let me firmly state that as a writer and a phone sex operator who deals in delivering fantasies -- and as a woman who has gone about trying to live them -- there are times when fantasies should remain untried.

This does not mean you shouldn't share them with your partner. Discussing sexual fantasies is not only fun, but it certainly is a part of feeling understood and accepted by your partner. However, just because a lover accepts your fantasies it doesn't mean acting them out is a good idea. On the contrary, sometimes it's a horrible idea.

Sometimes it's a horrible idea if the fantasy's not been particularly well thought-out. It could be you don't realize where that fantasy comes from, where it might take you...

Maybe swapping & sharing partners seems like a thrill, but what about jealousy? Real or imagined, jealousy can be a huge relationship problem, lasting longer than the few minutes of hot action. On the flip side, what if your partner flips for a new partner? Those considering such fantasies need to consider all the possible relationship pratfalls and pitfalls before getting others involved. (For those interested, I highly recommend reading Polyamorously Perverse.)

The trick to avoiding problems is to think about the fantasy, asking yourself, "Just what is this really about?" Why it thrills, what the arousal is from, knowing these things makes it easier to even consider acting them out. Discussing it with a partner might be the best way to see the light of dark fantasies; they'll often point out what they see going on (just don't shoot them for being the messenger!). So think and discuss away, and see if the fantasy still stays.

Forcing yourself to think about fantasies, stripping them of their glamour and appeal to look at the worst-case-scenarios, is the best way to avoid perversion purgatory. And, if you think your fantasies can't survive such scrutiny, then I suggest they are too fragile to stand the real life action too.

It's hard to turn a heavenly erotic fantasy into earthly carnal delights if you've not examined it every-which-way -- not just for the possible consequences, but for it's specificness.

Fantasies have a poor chance of becoming reality if they are not based in reality, and sometimes we've created such specific scenes in our heads that they just can't become reality. As my dear friend, Angela, wrote:

Here is what I did find for myself: I have some very specific taboo fantasies, which have nothing to do with my reality and who I am. But, I did share them with one lover. He tried to act the fantasies out with me. And as good as he was in bed, the fantasy didn't work. God Bless him, he tried.

Sooo....I've come to the conclusion that my fantasy is mine alone. It's so much better in my head than in a real bed.

This can (and will) happen when you've been fantasising about something so specific (and often for quite some time) that no reality can match it. No matter how willing, a partner cannot anticipate your needs as precisely as your imagination can. It's not their fault; there's really no way for a living person to be able to do & say just as you want, when you want, especially when they're up against a script you've perfected in your head for years.

There are some fantasies, no matter what you do or who you do them with, which will ever fade against the vivid images & sensations in your mind.

My last warning about making sex fantasies real has to do with another simple reality of fantasies: they can be selfish.

While fetish and BDSM fantasies are often too specific, making them troublesome to bring to life, the fantasies are often so 'all about you' that the other person is not more than a prop. Often it's about what you feel, not about anything -- anyone -- else. Take the desire to be spanked where the person spanking you is about as just the person wielding the leather paddle, not a person whose arousal matters. As necessary as the paddle, maybe; but about as cared for. When fantasies are so one-sided, so completely about you, it's not fair to ask a lover to play along.

This is often why kink that falls under the BDSM or fetish banners is so powerful as erotic entertainment, and why it's prolific at story sites and good business with PSOs. It's not that these fantasies, or any fantasy, cannot be shared but it's that they are less able to survive in the real world where the fantasy of one must meet the satisfaction of two.

Fantasies like these are often best saved for solo-entertainment, or shared as an aphrodisiac to get lovers in the mood, but not be the sex acts themselves.

Angela recently discussed the differences between fantasies delivered by Professional Dominatrixes and real-world domination. It was a conversation started by Bitchy Jones, and you really should read it, but here's something wise Angela said:

Not all men want to actually BE DOMINATED FOR REAL, thank you very much. They want their impossible fantasy, just for a little bit. They are self-aware enough, and perhaps even self-protective enough, to occasionally get their dirty little itch scratched (via a phone dom or a pro dom), and then get back to the business of their everyday lives. I actually understand wanting a fantasy and not a reality. Because what I get off on by myself and what I get off with a partner are two very different things.

It's a good thing to know if and when there is a difference.

In any of these cases, you can keep the fantasy alive best via a written or a spoken story, or by talking about it with a partner; but it might be best to leave it at that and not ask a partner to participate in it.

However, if you are clear on your fantasies and still believe they are safe to move to reality, then stick around because next time I'll discuss how to share them -- and get them happily fulfilled.

© Secondhand Rose, a writer turned phone companion and conversationalist, who can be found at her blog, Secondhand Rose.

Five For Friday

Five juicy erotic excerpts, with five great lessons for improving your love life.

From Threesome, by The Provocateur:

The way we touch, is foreplay. From across a table or in the car. The way we giggle, is foreplay. Our words, no matter how stern, are always laced within the dance of foreplay.

This reminds us that no matter what, the emotional life of sexual play isn't reserved for sexual contact. (Even if it's only two of you. *wink*)

From Grateful as Panties, by Jeremy Edwards:

"I'm as grateful as your cotton panties," he said one morning, out of the blue.

..."Your cotton panties cling to you in a special way, don't they," he continued. "They hug you, they hold you, they seem to caress you. They love you, Janice." His finger found her ass crack.

A reminder to say thanks for all those little everyday things.

From The Seven Curses of Hannah (Part Seven), by Shon Richards:

“Adam isn’t so bad,” Hannah thought. It was Saturday morning, and Adam had made breakfast. He made his very complicated bacon omelets. The table was laid out for two, and he made a big deal out of pretending to be her waiter. It reminded Hannah so much of how he used to act when they were dating.

A reminder that little things do, in fact, mean a lot. If your relationship is feeling anything less than its original rush, think about the things you used to do for your partner... How long has it been since you've done them? Whipping her up an omelet like you used to do may whip up your sex life.

From Marks, by Sommer Marsden:

The first time David bit me, I wasn’t expecting it. I was also shocked by how quickly I came. The shock was instant, the orgasm a close second. Hard. Intense. Like nothing I had ever experienced before. I was hooked.

Proof that asking isn't always the best idea. Passion isn't planned, so asking her if she wants to be bit, spanked or just plain old kissed ruins the mood. Sometimes surprise is our best erotic ally.

And lastly, if all else fails and all you've got is some pent up anger and resentment, use it. As Kis Lee tells us in The Grudge Fuck:

No kissing; no teasing. I pulled him towards the couch and tripped him. He fell flat on his back. I swore at him and told him how pissed off I was. I called him nonsensical insults and made up curse words. I covered his face with sloppy kisses, leaving red trails across his nose and chin. When he reached for his belt, I stopped him. This isn't your grudge fuck; it's mine. You don't get to call the shots.

Somethings you just have to ride out. *wink*

TRUE EROTIC TALES - Series 2

TRUE EROTIC TALES - Series 2

TRUE EROTIC TALES are non-fictional erotic essays written by authors of today.














WHAT TURNS YOU ON? WHAT TURNS YOU OFF?

Jeremy Edwards
Jeremy's MySpace

Like most writers, I respond very strongly to words. They can be so evocative and powerful--and, of course, erotic. So one of the things that really turns me on is to hear a woman talk about things that are sexy to me. When the context is directly sexual--e.g., hearing my wife tell me, in bed and with recourse to the frankest language, what she wants or how good something feels--then the erotic effect is no-brainer.

But words can also turn me on when I'm out in the world, hearing the incidental speech of friends, acquaintances, and strangers. I'm so easy that just the word "sex" often turns me on. (I suppose this would make me the ideal consumer, were it not for the fact that I hardly ever buy anything.)

Moreover, the speaker's intention doesn't necessarily have to be sexual for erotically-charged words, concepts, or even figures of speech to titillate me. For example, I am a great admirer of the female behind, and if I hear a woman refer to her ass, even in a nonsexual way, my ears (etc.) will likely perk up. Something as mundane as "I need to get off my ass and do it" or "Fresh-squeezed orange juice, my ass!" can make me think, "Mmm . . . her *ass*."Though it's just an expression, the imagery is sometimes too strong for me to resist (or to want to resist).

I also happen to find peeing sexy (yes, there's a hint of that in my fiction now and again). Here too, casual use of the relevant vocabulary can be a turn-on for me. So if a woman describes how funny or exciting something was by saying, metaphorically, "I was wetting my pants," she's guaranteed to have me thinking about the image she's thereby evoked rather than whatever she was really trying to tell me about. (I should emphasize that I do realize actual loss of control like that would, in most circumstances, not be sexy or pleasant; what I'm responding to erotically is the choice of words when the speaker is *not* talking literally.)

I don't think I've ever actually heard a woman exclaim "Fuck me!" as a nonsexual expletive, though I know from the print world that people sometimes do so. If I ever encounter that in real life, I'm sure that a movie will immediately begin rolling in my mind.



Rachel Green
Rachel's website

My cheek is pressed against fur. Mink, rabbit, ermine - it doesn't matter; it's the texture of the fur against my flesh that counts. I don't care that it's not PC. My vegetarian, waste separation, plastic recycling life has nothing to do with my bare-breasted bondage sexuality.

This does.

This is sex. This is hot, sweaty bodies writhing naked on a pile of antique coats thrown carelessly on the bed. I need this. This is my relief, my refuge from the daily mundane.

I said we were writhing. That's not strictly true. She was writhing, I was pretty much staying in one position. The ropes and leather made sure of that.

Maybe it's a hang up from a childhood of forced Catholicism. I can't relax into it unless I have the freedom of bondage. "It's not my fault. I can't help it." It's an illusion of course. I asked for this... begged for this...but in the guilt-expunging bondage I can pretend. "I'm a good girl really."

My arms are bound in a sleeve behind my back, my ankles to the bed posts with my soles flat against the tailboard. She touches me, sending a shiver through my body and a flicker of the wave on the edge of consciousness. The wave will build if she continues, reaching a crescendo that will leave me sobbing and wet and replete and grateful and, probably, sore.

It doesn't matter. I can feel the waves lapping against the shore of my orgasm. Muscles tense. She knows I'm close because my legs become taut as bow strings; toes pressed against the tailboard and my pelvis lifted into the air as her thumbs dig into me. In. In. In. Her palm beats against my mound. My muscles shake with the ninth wave and I sob...please... through the gag.

As the beach is washed away by the tsunami I collapse onto the fur. Soft fur.

It doesn't matter what kind.


Bobby Michaels
Bobby's website

What Turns You On?

First of all, a man who is just who he is, who is comfortable in his own skin, who doesn't "put on airs" or try to impress anyone. A man who exudes the confidence that says, "I know who I am and I
know what I want." A man confident enough to lay in my arms, seeking comfort just as I do in his.

The first physical thing I notice is his eyes. The eyes tell you everything. Cruel, cunning, gentle, kind - it's all there to read. I love the looks that come from those eyes: The almost pleading look when he's about to cum; the shy but proud look when he shows you his most prized possession - his hard cock - for the first time; The commanding, dominating look when he wants sexual relief - now! Most of all, the overpowering look when you see love and desire for you in them.

His deep voice, especially with a soft southern or southwestern accent.

His gentle stroking of my head and hair as I worship his cock with my lips, tongue and mouth. His hands grasping my head, not so gently, as he reaches orgasm. The deep groans of intense pleasure when I do something that particularly pleases him. His teeth, gently (or not so gently) nibbling from the back of my neck and down the back of my arm or biting all over the cheeks of my butt. His mouth, sucking hard on my tits. His tongue burying itself in my hole or mine in his.

Him fucking me, hard, deep and long, grabbing my shoulders for leverage as he uses me. His deep voice saying dirty, sexy, nasty things while he fucks me, while I suck his cock, while I eat his ass.

Him taking a long, hot piss all over me. And letting me do the same to him.

Above all, his scent - at his neck, in his pits, his groin, his balls and his ass. The rich raw scent of a sweaty man. His personal body scent. When I lie in his bed alone, I wrap myself in his sheets and push my face into his pillow to be surrounded by it.

What Turns You Off?

As much as I love a man's scent, too much of a good thing is bad - no going a week without a shower. The worst scent of all, however, is bad breath - the kind that can knock a buzzard off a shit wagon.

Arrogance. Confidence is a turn on but arrogance is a deal breaker.

Flowery, overblown compliments. Just say, "Fuck! You suck dick good!"

Effeminacy in a man, except for small, slender males between eighteen and twenty-five.

Summation

I didn't mention his eye color, hair color, body type, hairy or smooth, muscular or not, or the size of his cock. These are meaningless to me. The real "turn on" is the man himself. The real "turn off" is the man himself.

Brenna Lyons
Brenna's website

What turns me on? Eye contact is important; the eyes are the windows to the soul, and as long as your eyes are locked, you know you have his undivided attention. Deep kisses. They can be slow kisses or involved ones, but deep is a must. Skin to skin touching. There's nothing quite like getting really involved, mind and body. If we're both immersed, it's nearly a given that I'm going to have a great time. Being experimental is fun, and I'm all for a little adventure,but neither is as important as that simple connection.

What turns me off? I'm not a fan of pain. That's first and foremost. If I get hurt during sex, it's nearly a given that my arousal is going to end right there. By that, I don't mean any pain, since I get off on the occasional love bite, nips at the earlobe, the pull of restraints and such. What I absolutely do not get off on is real pain. I'm not the kind to enjoy lashing or spanking. Sorry. Had enough of the real thing, in my life, so I don't want to incorporate it into my sex life.

Since I like us to be on the same page and engaged in each other, if my husband is out of sorts, it's going to kill the mood for me. If something's not working, I'd rather just move on to something else and not have him upset about it. To paraphrase Wanda Sykes, "Men get off easily. Sometimes women get halfway in and realize it's just not going to happen for them tonight." Women have to be there mentally/emotionally, as well as physically. That's nothing for a man to get irritated about. Just accept that she's giving you a good time and take it gracefully. A woman does not have to orgasm at every sexual encounter.

Bryn Colvin
Bryn's website

I've been accused of being an ice queen by people who see my surfaces but do not know me well. I am not immediately physically responsive. Bodily arousal doesn't happen for me in a conventional way. Then, I'm not interested in the quick kicks and releases of purely physical interaction. Perhaps if I was, it would work for me. I burn slowly, but very hot and very fierce, given the right circumstances. For those who can turn me on, I am a wild and generous lover.

Arousal begins in the mind for me, and in the ever shifting world of my emotions. I can remain utterly unmoved by physical contact if my head and heart aren't engaged. In fact, the idea of anything sexual without that mental and emotional action turns me off completely. Hot sex is only ever scorching for me if my intellect and feelings have been thoroughly stimulated first. Don't even think about touching me if you don't know how to melt me with words, seduce me with skills, passions or actions that do not pertain directly to my body.

What raises my pulse is contact with other people. By this I do not mean anything slight or superficial. It has to be deep and profoundly meaningful, bringing me in so close I almost know what the other person is thinking. Often it takes me years to forge this kind of relationship, but it's worth waiting for. Intense interactions, brought about through shared creativity, ritual, music, walking, dancing, - there are many possibilities. Make me laugh, or cry, or really think and you're in with a chance of bedding me.

The other thing that fires my imagination (and therefore my desires) is trust. I'm fascinated by power exchange scenarios, but not by traditional Dominant/submissive roles. Having my life entirely in someone else's hands arouses me. Equally, taking control for someone else is a powerful aphrodisiac. It doesn't have to be an overtly sexual situation either. Play fighting turns me on, especially with swords. To do that safely but still have it be exciting takes a lot of trust and mutual knowledge. It also requires the participants to really focus in on each other.

Turn offs for me involve sex with no mental or emotional fireworks. Consequently most porn is a non-starter. I've had some strange propositions in my time - offers to buy my used underwear, to participate in threesomes, to urinate on people - which I hurried away from because it was just about the sex. I'm the same with what I read. If it sounds like 'insert body part A into orifice B' I'm out of there. There are plenty of other unconventional things I've enthusiastically agreed to because they've been driven by passion. I can get off on all kinds of kink and depravity so long as it has soul and take considerable sexual pleasure from emotive but non-physical exchanges. Apathy leaves me cold but I respond in kind to true passion.

Jacqueline Applebee
Jacqueline's website

Arrogance is a huge turn-off for me. When the possession of power makes people treat others disrespectfully, I just shrink away. The stereotype of a wealthy businessman or woman, ordering their minions about as if they were nothing, makes me want to run in the opposite direction. Money may impress me, but it has never, ever turned me on. So with that said, I find that dignity, and a sense of nobility is a big turn on for me. People don't have to be high-born, or well-connected, but if they know how to be gallant, and want to treat me like a goddess, it just does something to me, and I melt into a gooey mess.

The spoken word is something that can turn me on unexpectedly. A close friend recently read "My love is like a red, red rose" by Robbie Burns, whilst we spoke on the phone. We had previously been talking about everyday matters, when he suddenly broke into a Scottish accent, and read that beautiful poem to me. I found my mouth going slack, and all coherent thoughts simply left my mind. I was a goner.

On the physical side, I find eyes incredibly seductive. A shy gaze can turn me on, like flicking a switch. When someone looks at me, as if they haven't eaten for three days, and I'm a big sticky chocolate cake, I want to drag them off and ravage them. Intense desirous looks from someone across the room, makes me want to sink to my knees, and open wide...

Gwen Masters
Gwen's blog

It started out with the guy in high school, the one with the dark hair that was long enough to fall over his dark eyes, the biceps that were too big to be contained by the sleeves of his t-shirt, and the torch-red Vette in the parking lot. He was gorgeous, the perfect bad-boy, almost unattainable.

I didn't care. I wasn't in love with him. I was in love with his car.

My first lustful thoughts all involved horsepower. A man who could handle a big-ass truck was sexier than anything else. I loved the sleek little sports cars, but they were nothing compared to that big farm trucks, the ones with the tall tires, the dirty beds, and the bench seat big enough for two...even if those two bodies were horizontal and generating some horsepower of their own.

When I turned twenty or so and discovered Nashville, those guitar slingers were what got under my skin. I chose carefully -- they had to not only know how to handle the axe, they had to have the attitude to match. There was nothing like taking the show behind the scenes, fucking him until daybreak, then listening to him compose another song -- the physical meeting the spiritual.

Those early experiences taught me that my big turn-ons aren't necessarily bedroom techniques, toys that make me drool, or even those muscles that make me take a second glance. It's all about the attitude. Show me a man with enough confidence to be called cocky, a love of experimentation, an openness about what he likes, a creativity that keeps things interesting, and I'll show you my intense appreciation.

What turns me off? Again, it comes down to everything that matters before we hit the sheets. A lack of responsibility, a boatload of lies, a dismissive attitude -- all of these things will make me
ignore even the most gorgeous man on the planet. If there's nothing of integrity inside him, I certainly don't want him inside me -- in any way.

Once we do get into the bedroom, the turn-ons are endless. If I already want everything that makes up who he is inside, then his body is going to become an addictive playground, and nothing is off-limits. With a man I respected and trusted, I learned to love leather and ropes. I learned the thrill of a single rose petal, the shiver value of a whispered endearment, and on the flip-side, the delight of a harsh order or a good, hard spank against my thigh. I learned not to be turned off by anything, but to embrace everything as a possibility.

That kind of sensual freedom comes from trust, and I suppose that is the biggest turn-on of anything else I've explored in my lifetime: Absolute trust. Trust is the one turn-on that makes all the other turn-ons possible.



Beth Wylde
Beth's website

...flesh on flesh...heavy breathing...hands reaching...muscles clenching...backs arched...bodies straining. The scents of sweat and sex filling the air as two consensual adults strive to reach the ultimate goal. Climax!

Nothing gets me hotter than a well written sex scene. Some people prefer the visual stimulation that an adult movie can provide but for me the biggest thing I need to have stimulated is my mind. The use of sensual language to describe a scene of absolute carnal abandon can get me heated up faster than a good round of lengthy foreplay ever could.

Soft and sensual or hot and heavy. Whether it's a girl's first time or a couple's fiftieth, a gentle introduction to intercourse or some seriously kinky BDSM. No matter the situation or the gender. I like it all if it's done right.

The same goes for when I'm writing a love scene. It has to keep the story moving and add something to the overall plot. Sexual tension is good too. Sometimes I enjoy it more if I've had to wait for it.

As for my turn offs, once again it's the written word. If it's distasteful to me you won't find it in one of my books. I write what I like. Funny nicknames or overly technical language can turn me from hot to cold in seconds flat. I'm not looking to read a medical dictionary or sappy dialogue where the author is terrified to call a cock a cock. I need a writer willing to push the envelope. One that can use believable imagery and prose to pull me into the moment until not only the character is on the verge of coming but I am too.

MJ Williamz
MJ's MySpace

There are so many things about women that turn me on. To me, every inch of the female form is arousing. There is no such thing as a physically unattractive woman. So then, what turns me on about the women I'm intimate with?

Confidence without arrogance. I love confidence. I abhor arrogance. I respect, admire, and am drawn to women who are comfortable in their own skin. A woman who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to go after it makes the best bed partner. If she knows what pleases her and lets me know, the encounter is better for both of us.

How she tells me doesn't matter.

"Oh, God, MJ, a little to the left, please," whispered huskily will not only get me to move to that perfect spot, she will also find that I will continue with a renewed fervency.

A shifting, however slight, of her body so I'm where she needs me will make my juices flow as hard as hers. The feel of her hand on the back of my head directing me will force me to straddle her leg while I continue, pressing myself into her.

All three at once will likely bring me to an earth-shattering climax with her.

Physical attributes that can ignite my desire are eyes and lips. Eyes truly are the windows to the soul. They show so much about a woman and can captivate me at first glance.

The smoldering look that sears my soul, telling me now's the time and I'd better not wait, is one of my favorite stimulants. I'm even aroused by that cold stare that attempts to convey to me that I don't stand a chance. That look is both arousing and challenging since I've never been one to take no for an answer. The eyelids fluttering, half open is my favorite by far.

Of course, to see those eyelids flutter as I look up from between her legs spurs my lust every time.

This brings us to her lips. A full set of firm lips makes a woman impossible to refuse. A coy smile to tease me will ensure she has my full attention. If she bites her lower lip, she'll bring me to my knees. A nice, firm, confident kiss will melt me.

When these qualities are combined, I'm putty in her hand. A confident woman who looks at me, eyes smoldering, lower lip slightly obscured by her top teeth, can just turn and walk away without a word. She should have no doubt that I will be following close behind.

Donna George Storey
Donna's website



The biggest turn-on for me is passion. When a person is passionate about something, that energy and focus usually translates into an easy confidence and mastery that is extremely attractive. This could be a passion for writing, music or even computer programming. Of course the most exciting thing is if this person's passion is focused on me! I find it--strangely?--erotic to see a skilled editor at work, excavating the true beginning of the story, the true ending, slashing adverbs and teasing out connections lying buried in the first draft. When a lover brings this total dedication to bed-his hands, tongue and cock pleasuring me with knowing skill, his whispered words weaving fantasies that seduce my imagination--nothing in this world is sexier.

While I'm confessing, I might as well mention my secret garden-variety turn-on: fresh fruits and vegetables at peak season. My pulse quickens and my breath comes faster when I stroll through a farmer's market and treat my senses to the plump, blushing apples, the wine-scented, golden-skinned Asian pears, the entrancingly smooth, maroon-and-white marbled skin of a Listada eggplant. I adore sniffing melons to tease out the hints of tropical perfume in their dimpled stem end. Better still is when the first tiny spoonful of its sweet flesh ripe proves I've chosen well.

When it comes to encounters with human beings, I love hands. Nice, solid-looking, thick-fingered male hands. Apparently some guys are concerned about penis size. For me, unless it's too tiny to feel or too huge, which has actually been more of a problem because it makes walking painful for a few days, the penis is so much less important than hands with sensitivity and stamina. Hand action, the way he uses them, will make the difference between lame sex and great sex. I find watching a man typing at a keyboard and clicking a mouse very suggestive! I also like necks and shoulders. Deep, warm eyes and and deep, warm laughter. For women, I get wiggly-kneed over shapely legs and asses, especially in tight-fitting black pants or mini-skirts with boots. I like boots.

Turn-offs?

People who let other people's opinions control what they do and think. Conforming to peer pressure is for high school.

Most male models and actors who are supposed to define good-looking in our media-saturated culture. I just find their faces incredibly bland to the point of revulsion. I like the process of discovering what makes a person uniquely interesting and sexy for myself. I don't need Vogue to do it for me.

Lovers who treat my body like a machine.

Old guys who lecture ME about Japan or writing once they find out what I do, especially when they aren't writers and they learned all they know about Japan from articles in Newsweek. Really knowing what you're doing is sexy. Pretending you do when you don't is not.

Jean Roberta
Jean's website

I might sound like a lecturing feminist from the 1970s, but this is what turns me on. I like mutual interest and respect between characters in the erotica I read, and I try to include it in the stories I write - unless I am deliberately describing a Bad Fuck in order to contrast it with something better.

Mutual respect is actually easy to include in Dominant/submissive scenarios. Consider the real implications of an Interrogation Scene in which the Tough Cop or Father/Mother Confessor demands the whole truth from the suspect or prisoner. The real purpose of that scene is to find out what the bottom or sub really wants so as to torment hir (him/her) with it! Threats like "If you don't beg for it, I won't touch you" are an extreme way of asking for consent. If there's no consent, the logical answer would be "See ya later, alligator." (But of course, in truly erotic writing there's always consent and encouragement – from the author to the reader and vice versa as well as between characters.)

From the time I began reading Pat Califia's queer, whimsically-funny BDSM erotica in the early 1980s, I fell in love with the paradox of polarized roles and over-the-top drama on the surface, and deep mutual curiosity and an equal desire to please underneath. A message of mutual interest, desire and even love seems especially convincing to me if both/all the characters were born into the same gender and brought up in similar neighborhoods. In this case, unequal roles seem freely chosen.

I am turned off by sexual cliches, stereotyped characters and a lack of convincing consent, and all these things seem related. I can enjoy M/f erotica, but a writer who describes an Alpha Male sweeping a pouty woman off her feet or literally tying her down needs to work harder than a writer of queer/pansexual fantasies to convince me that this is all good fun, and based on honest lust from all sides.

Not only cartoon Men from Mars and Women from Venus but racist stereotypes squick me to the point where I can't go on reading. Lately, I've run across a parade of fictional Asian dragon ladies who sexually torment helpless straight white men so that they (the bitch-goddesses) can go on
running the world. Gahh.

For better or worse, I can't read any sex fantasy simply as an "escape" from the frustrations of real life. Writing about sex, like writing about anything else, always has a viewpoint, a message and an agenda. I can't get off on the message that straight white men are an endangered species who are entitled to put everyone else back in their traditional place, or that certain people are just naturally more worthy of good sex (and every other desirable thing) than others. I'd rather escape from the monotony of stereotypes into the juicier complexity of something that more closely resembles the real world.



Day
Day's MySpace

One thing that I know about myself is that, "I like what I like and I want what I want when it comes to the enjoyment of sex." Nothing turns me off more than a man assuming that he knows what I want and what feels good to me, or what women in general want based on past sexual experiences. As we all have probably had at least once in our life time, I knowingly engaged in a one night stand with a guy that I will call Mike. Mike was sexy as hell in physical features, but arrogant beyond what would be considered normal as far as arrogance goes.

All week Mike called giving me little titillations of what was to come. I was excited, as well as horny and was ready for what I knew was going to be the best sex I had encountered for some time since I was just three months out of a very loving and sexually fulfilled relationship. Mike showed up, the atmosphere was sexy, and I was ready to seduce and be seduced. Mike looked and smelled like the Adonis that I had always thought him to be. It was first hard for me to even see sexing this guy since he was eight years my junior not to mention he was my best friend's little brother, however tonight being my junior or the fact that he was my friend's brother had no bearing on what I wanted and that was hot, sweaty, orgasmic, mind blowing sex. Everything was perfect! Then it happened. After undressing me, Mike went for it. Pushed me back on the bed, put one arm under my leg, raised it and entered me and went to pumping. "What the fuck," I thought. Being the person that I am did not stop him. When he came I got up, put on my clothes and asked him to leave. He seemed surprised and asked what the problem was. I asked him what the fuck was that and he stated, "I just figured you were the kind of woman that just wanted to get right into the sex." It took me days before I could actually calm down enough to tell this young brother that he had a lot to learn about women and that he should not base his successful experiences to come on the women he had been with in the past. After a month we tried it again after talking extensively and needless to say he got it just right. DAMN RIGHT!

What turns me on the most is a man or a woman who is not selfish and who is open to listen and try different things for the heightened sexual pleasures of both parties. One who takes the time to find out what makes ME feel good. If a person does that, he or she can have my goodies all day long.

Winnie Jerome
Winnie's blog

I have a weakness for bondage. I think I developed a taste for it after reading the WWII era Wonder Woman comics. I know, it sounds a little unusual, but I used to spend a lot of time reading them, and one of the things that fascinated me was the Golden Age era.

Things were a lot different then. For one thing, the comics code didn't exist. So there was no one to tell the artist that he couldn't depict his lead heroine getting tied up. Repeatedly. And in a lot of different positions: hands behind the back, hog-tied, hobbled. Sometimes she was gagged, sometimes she was chained. I found it incredibly sexy. Needless to say, it rapidly became my favorite comic.

Another thing I love is dirty talk. Unfortunately, dirty talk is one of those things that can sound goofy if you use the wrong phrasing. But if it's done well, it sets my imagination soaring, and it just makes sex that much better.

I also have a voyeuristic streak, which is also why I love watching two men having sex. Really really love it. If I see two men getting hot and heavy, I have a reaction very similar to a Tex Avery cartoon -- eyeballs bugging out, heart thumping out of my chest, tongue dragging on the ground... Add in the other turn-ons I've listed to the mix and I'm a very happy camper.

Now that I've talked about my turn-ons, I should talk about my turn-offs. One thing that never appealed to me was playing with candle wax. Which is funny, because getting my eyebrows waxed doesn't freak me out. I guess my dislike has to do with the fact that I really hate burns, and there's no way for me to tell if the wax coming from the candle is at a tolerable temperature or a "Oh my God, that hurts!" temperature. And frankly, that sort of pain is not the type I like to receive. Spanking and pinching are great, but not candles. Having sex outdoors is another turn-off. I'm an urban girl -- if you mention camping, my first reaction will be to wrinkle my nose and go inside to enjoy my creature comforts. Between the dirt or grass getting into places it shouldn't, shivering because it's cold outside, and the bugs; being one with nature gets a big thumbs down from me.

Jolie du Pre
Jolie's MySpace

I'm turned on by the inappropriate, the unconventional and the untidy. The business executive who uncovers his tattooed arms and spikes his hair after he leaves the office. The black woman who stuffs her big ass in a pair of tight jeans and walks proudly down the street. The middle aged woman who doesn't cover her cleavage. The young girl in a thrift store creation when all the other girls are wearing Hollister. The young black man in Ralph Lauren when the rest of them are wearing Phat Farm and Sean John.

Angelina Jolie may be hot, but I'd rather sleep with Queen Latifah. Brad Pitt is clean and pretty, but give me the alcoholic Jonathan Rhys Meyers. Monet leaves me dry. Pollock gets me wet.

What is her personality like? Can she make me laugh? Is her brain the size of Jupiter? Does she look me in the eyes when she talks to me? Or is she just a perfect size 1 who talks about dieting and Oprah?

He's tall and good looking? That's nice, but what else? Does he like books? Music? Is he sensitive? Or is he just a jock with a remote in one hand and a beer in the other?


Graphic - Glitter Graphics

Be on the look out for Series 3 of TRUE EROTIC TALES, where authors offer new essays to a new question.

TRUE EROTIC TALES - Series 1

TRUE EROTIC TALES - Series 1



TRUE EROTIC TALES are non-fictional erotic essays written by authors of today.








Are you a Top, a Bottom or a Switch?

Top, Bottom, Switch - Definitions

Author K.M. Frontain
K.M. Frontain's Home Page


Top, bottom, or switch? When I write, I'm a switch. I am any of the characters in the novel, including the evil ones, the ones that don't take no for an answer, the ones a reader might want to chuck in a dungeon and never let out.

I'm also the nice characters, the ones who get bitten for being too gullible, that could do with pinching, who should know better than to trustingly stick their arms out while someone is holding a rope. I'm the braver characters as well, the ones that put their arms out on purpose just to see what it's like, who will kick ass later if they don't enjoy what happens next.

And I'm the characters that beg to be tied, who want a lesson to make them feel alive, who need someone else to take the burden of control.

In reality, I'm a top. Perhaps I am every character during the moment of story creation, but beyond the fourth wall, I exist to make them live through hard lessons, to feel alive, and to remove from them the burden of control. I'll whip a dominating character as quickly as a submissive one. I give them all hell.

In reality, I'm a "secret" top because I try not to give hell to anybody, though sometimes I do anyhow. I'll make up for it after, just like I do in my stories. The nice guys win. I'm a secret top who likes a happy ending.

But if you really can't be happy without some rope, chains and leather, do kneel and hold out your arms.


Author Gwen Masters
Gwen Master's Blog


From the moment my first lover ordered me to hold onto the headboard so he could tie me up, I reveled in the joy of submission. From that point on, I loved dominant men. I sought them out like a moth seeking a light. I craved giving myself over, offering everything, pushing all my boundaries, all for a man's pleasure.

I was certain I was a Bottom -- until the night a lover asked me to turn the tables. When that moment came, I wasn't sure what to do. I was entirely out of my element, uncomfortable with the very thought. It was the biggest boundary of all, but no safe word would make this one go away. The emotional quagmire he put me in was scary as hell, and I resented him so much, I was afraid it would destroy our relationship.

After much thought and discussion, I decided to give it a try. It took a great deal of time and encouragement for me to move forward into being the dominant force, but once I was there, it was like fitting a key into a lock. It was the door to a whole new world, a realm of sexuality I had seen only from a distance, a place I had never imagined for myself. The rush was beyond anything I had ever felt.

When that night was over, I was completely confused. I still loved being a Bottom but I loved being a Top -- oh, Lord, did I love it just as much? Talk about an emotional tailspin!

Over time I found a good balance, and now can move smoothly from domination to submission and back again. I can find that mental niche and slip into it as though I was always meant to be a Top -- or a Bottom. Now I'm comfortable with my role as a true Switch. I love the power play of both sides, the carefully orchestrated dance that brings pleasure to not only the body, but to the mind and soul.


Author Liam Moran
Liam Moran's Website


When I first came out, I always had to be on top. It seems so alien to me now to reach back to that mind-set, so arbitrarily narrow. Fortunately for me, it was just a growth stage-I am certain now it was my own homophobia that insisted I be "the man" in bed. After all, I'd been "the man" in my marriage-bed, and with a number of women lovers before I'd finally married.

Maybe it was memories of college-days experimentation that could only be classified as being raped. Maybe it was just societal brainwashing. I don't know about others, but I know it was fear that dictated I be on top-fear that I would somehow become less than, if I gave up my body and let a man fuck me. In fact, the fiercer the bed-tussle to end up on top, the more satisfying the sex was to me. I say sex, because at that point I wasn't ready for love in my new life. Not really. I didn't yet understand how exquisitely beautiful give and take could actually be between two men.

One night, with a stranger, there was no bed-tussle. In fact there was no contest at all. The atmosphere between the two of us was quiet, gentle, whole. Somehow-I couldn't even tell you exactly how-it became absolutely clear that I was going to let him inside my body. He was huge. He was gentle. He opened me to an entirely new dimension of intimacy, and showed me the ecstasy that was possible in that new dimension. He changed me, and I'll be forever grateful to him for changing me.

Now, when a man enters me I feel a profound wave of completion that comes no other way. I love being a bottom. I love the crush of a man's weight against me as he takes possession of my body. Sometimes when I come with him inside me, I feel my body split open from throat to dan tien, and my soul explodes into stars before returning to my flesh-fuller, richer, stronger, wiser. There is absolutely nothing that compares.

Does that make me a bottom? Although that's my strong preference, it's not an exclusive one. I would never want to lose the ecstasy of being a top, either. Holding the trust of another man as I prepare him, enter him, take him, feel his legs wrap tight around me, feel his body welcome me in, enfolding me in his heat-why would I not want that, too? A man's eyes change when he is entered. I love that look.

So what does that make me? Depending on the situation, top? Yes. Bottom? Yes. Switch? Yes. I'm just a man who loves men, loves men's bodies, loves their beauty, and taste, and smell and feel.


Author Hazel Mills
Hazel Mills' MySpace


The determination of whether I am top, bottom or switch is not hard at all. Although for some, always assuming either the dominant or submissive role is preferred, sex is much more interesting as a switch. Switch allows each partner to have the freedom of choice. Choices that will allow my lover and I to be different things to each other based on our needs and desires. It is sex without boundaries or limitations. It also re-enforces a balance of power.

There are days when I want my man to be the one in charge sexually. The whole Tarzan and Jane scenario can be a beautiful thing. There is something definitely exciting and orgasmic about being submissive and bending, literally and figuratively, to his will. When I want him to make love to me, it is always with the acceptance of his dominant role.

Aphrodite, Queen of the Nightie also rules in the bedroom or in whatever room of the house she chooses. To have my man submit to my will and to know that his manhood is not threatened by my dominance provides a high that is unmatched by any drug.

Do we always adventure into lovemaking knowing who will be top or bottom? No, not always. Most times, we don't choose at all. We simply allow nature to take its course. We rule our universe together.

Giving and receiving is, I believe, the basis of any successful and truly fulfilling intimate relationship.


Author Jodi Payne
Jodi Payne's Website


I'm a switch, and I couldn't imagine being any other way. I like variety, I like spontaneity. I like having fun while I'm having my needs met, whatever they may be on a given day.

Why? That's a difficult question to answer succinctly. In no particular order, I'm an author, a mother, a partner, a daughter. I'm a lesbian and an activist. I'm a full time professional in a corporate setting. I'm a friend, a Leo and an abuse survivor. I think I've got a lot of dimensions to my personality and in order to keep all the hats I wear happy, things need to be changed up emotionally, and in the bedroom now and then.

Sometimes I'm in a strong mood and I want to take control. Expressing that during sex ranges for me from just being an aggressive lover to actually being demanding and "Toppy", physically and verbally. On the other hand, occasionally I want to be taken care of. I want to be romanced and seduced, I want to hand over the control to my partner. Again, that ranges for me from just being more passive, to accepting demands, to physically being restrained in some way.

I'm fortunate enough to have a partner that feels the same way I do. I've always enjoyed a wide and varied sex life. We have toys and props, which sometimes get use, and sometimes not. I enjoy everything from romance to role play, and why not? I have twice the fun, I'm never expected to be one kind of lover or another with my partner, and I'm never sure quite what to expect from her. We've been in a committed relationship for seven years and we're both very satisfied-on many levels.


Author Bobby Michaels
Bobby Michaels' Website


At the bottom of my e-mails, even below the listings of my books and my website, is a statement by a French philosopher who I long ago forgot his name. The statement he made, however, I could never forget:

"The most exquisite pleasure is giving pleasure to others."

This is not just my "e-mail signature", it is the motto of my life. I love giving pleasure to others, through my writings, through other artistic expressions, through helping others who need it. But beyond all this, is the sexual pleasure I reserve only for other males.

The term "cocksucker" is used as a pejorative. I stand proudly and tell you that not only am I a cocksucker, I'm the best fucking cocksucker you've ever met! More, I'm the best damned rim artist (if you male and don't know what rimming is, you're probably straight and I feel sorry for you.) around. After all, I'm not known as RimPig (another of my author names) for nothing.

I have nothing against guys who are Tops. Are you kidding? I LOVE guys who are Tops. Because I pair up very nicely with them. We know how to treat each other, we know what to expect, mostly, from each other, and I know there is not a Top on earth who plays with other guys that I can't make feel good.

Nor do I have anything against mostly straight guys who want to take a little "walk on the wild side" and see how good a cocksucker I am and learn what rimming is and why he will love it. A male is a male, no matter what he calls himself (or doesn't). I love to give males pleasure. Period.

You see, I've spent a lot of years (no, I won't tell you how many!) honing my "craft" and learning how to make a man feel good. That makes me feel good. It also, oftentimes, makes him grateful enough to make sure that I get pleasure for my efforts as well.

There are those who feel that being a bottom is giving up my "male power". Oh really? When some guy has his most precious appendage in my mouth with all those sharp teeth and I'm deciding how fast or slow to get him off, who the fuck do you think has the power?

And I haven't even talked about how I love the feel of a Top's cock sliding deep inside me. That may seem like I'm giving up "power", too. But stop and think, without my willing ass, he'd be jacking off.


Author Kelly M. Marshall
Kelly M. Marshall's MySpace


I discovered my dominant side first. In high school, I would pounce and tackle boys to the ground or bed and gain the upper hand before they had a chance to think. Most of the guys I dated really liked this aspect of our interactions, and didn't question my motives for making the first move. Tying them up and ordering them around really gave them a thrill, and I felt safe. I realized later that it was an act of self-protection. By dominating the boy, I could decide who touched whom and where, and how. It was this way that I earned the reputation of a promiscuous cock-tease; the girl who would fuck with your brains but wouldn't let you fuck her. It wasn't until halfway through high school that I realized I was a lesbian.

When I dated my first girl halfway through high school, my emotional armor loosened a little. Sex started to feel like a mutual sharing,instead of a dance of expectations and deflections. I was still the aggressor, but in a sideways, insinuating way. Dominating women gave me a window of pleasure, but still let me have that safety net of control. Often, I staged scenes where I was the submissive, but still orchestrating the minutiae of the scene. Looking back, I must have been such a pain in the ass to top!

I remember one occasion where I handed my girlfriend a blindfold and asked her to put it on me, then I lay on the floor and held onto the futon frame, as if bracing myself for an unknown impact. My rules to myself were that I wasn't allowed to remove my hands from the futon frame or take off the blindfold, and I would let my girlfriend do whatever she liked to me. It was excruciating, lying still and waiting for her touch. I experienced my first hint of subspace as she teased me and responded to my verbal prompts with gentle cajoling. These moments were few and far between as I grew into a young adult and took more lovers.

It wasn't until my most recent relationship that I fully realized my identity as a switch. It's strange, because it was a foray into the unknown from the get-go: it was my first concrete experience with polyamorous relationships. Already I was out of my depth, and forced to live in the moment. She was a switch like me. One day, she turned to me and said, "Sometimes I just want to let this fierceness out, to beat you when we fuck. You never let me." I looked at her, astounded. And then I replied, "I would let you."

We started negotiating the scene with some trepidation. We set limits, and a safe word, and started to play. I was wholly unprepared for this ecstatic sense of surrender that enveloped me when I followed her orders and let her spank me. It was a high that rivaled the rush of domination, yet was an entirely different sensation. I loved it.

I think this was the key to owning my submissiveness: I had to learn to trust my lover with this vulnerability. So I did, and was finally able to reap the amazing rewards.


Author Angela Cameron
Angela Cameron's Website


I am thoroughly a novice in the ways of The Scene. I only know the basic terms, but I feel a fondness for those who claim the lifestyle freely. Does this qualify someone to claim the title of top, bottom or switch? I believe so. And, since it does, I must claim the title of switch.

I am from the Bible Belt, raised in a strictly Christian home, and I grew up thinking sex was bad. In fact, I spent much of my adult life up to the age of about twenty-eight it in some way or another. Then, in a drive toward self-exploration, I discovered that I love being a bottom. Being held down, tied, and to even experience a little rough treatment on occasion sparks passions in me that I didn't realize existed a few short years ago. On the occasion that my husband pulls my hair or bites me, it is an extra special treat. These little acts make me feel safe, sexy, feminine, loved, and desired. I don't exactly know why or how it does, but it does.

My husband, being the alpha male that he is, makes a wonderful counterpart for this fetish of mine. However, being a bossy, stubborn, and sadistic woman at times, I also take particular pleasure in matching or dominating him. Even when we play wrestle, he gets me into some painful contortion, but I tearfully continue to refuse surrender. This side of my personality could never let anyone win, especially a man. Of course, I fantasize about doing more, and I'd love to slap him in the face. Maybe that's a bit of marital frustration talking, I don't know.

Either way, this part of my personality scares me. I fear - no I know - that if I start indulging in this part of me, the part of me that likes to hurt people, it will be very hard to stop. Besides, I don't think he'd enjoy any real degree of pain. So, for now, this particular door is one that is better left closed in my life.

Some might ask why these seemingly opposite behaviors heat me up so. I can't honestly say that I know. As former psych student, I must consider the fact that I come from a very abusive childhood. That simple fact adds a multitude of possible dimensions. However, it also puts very strong limits on what is okay for me in these same areas. For example, I endured so many beatings until age of sixteen that the idea of belts or being whipped terrifies me. As an adult, the crack of a belt makes me nauseous and tearful. On the other side, the idea of beating someone to any degree has a strange appeal to it. For me, I don't think that even Freud can give exact reasons why being a switch is so perfect for me. It simply is, like yin and yang.


Author Secondhand Rose
Secondhand Rose's Blog


I'm not really into labels -- I can admit to their purpose, especially when searching for a story, some information or even someone -- but I tend to think more in roles. And roles are flexible, situational, can be changed.

Just as a one-dimensional character is a rather boring read, so a labeled person makes for a very boring lay. What makes humans so sexy is the complexity involved.

You have in this one man a powerful elected official who enjoys being bound, gagged and whipped, then takes it up the ass from his wife's strap on. The wife, who feels invisible in most of her life, save for her politically correct public appearances, loves making him grovel and beg to service her -- before she'll even consider giving him what he really wants. While these things are very common, they are also relatively predictable in a role reversal fashion. One's stress is relieved by this sort of power play; it's a form of balance.

For those who feel more in control of their lives, or at least more balance, power play is more about play. The roles change based on mood or the mood of their partners. Other times, balance is only felt when one gets what one needs, be it tied to sensory issues or images and needs instilled early in their lives. Who can tell?

And isn't the discovery of just what a person craves, and perhaps understanding why, most delicious? It feels like falling in love. Again and again.

Which is why I consider myself a Switchy Woman.

I don't just conform to needs, be they mine or those of another, but rather find playing the entire spectrum to be one way to keep the joy of discovery.


Author Bethan Alyson


Which way up is best? The view from the top is a good one, commanding, comprehensive, and generally, worth the effort. I mean, tops know that looking down you get the whole landscape, the panoramic perspective. What can I see from here, looking down? I see the planes and angles of a body cast partly into relief by a shaded lamp, the closed eyes, flesh waiting to be touched, tasted, impressed by my fingers.

Once, in a pub, I craned my head around to catch sight of the 'S&M dykes' my friend pointed out. I was curious, not shocked. Hungry. I had never tasted anything other than vanilla at that point. Years of experimentation and reading taught me some key issues. Tops like to be in control, to be the doers. Supposedly. Bottoms like to be dominated. Done to. The view from the bottom is limited, blinkered, constricted. It is a submission, asking the dominatrix to do the seeing and the thinking and the watching, while the submissive learns to relinquish.

Trouble is, I like both. I have read that a good top has to have once experienced life as a bottom. And that no one should take what they can't dish out. Therefore, it appears to me, that every top has to have some idea of the view from below, of the fear of the blindfolded caning, the swish, thud, burn of each stroke. In order to know how to time it, how to measure tolerance, pain threshold, which gasp precedes the safe word, and how to avoid it.

Experience is everything, so I would say that every good bottom also knows the effort and energy of the top, the timing and aching muscles and the intense arousal of watching the bottom's responses. The flushing of the skin.

There are times I need pain to climax, need an intensity in my own flesh. Times I want to relinquish my rigidly held control to another, in the purest and deepest trust, to be taken and driven and pushed and even punished. I want her to do me. There are others when I need to see her face as it twists in pain and pleasure. I want to watch her body writhe, her eyes dilate, and her breath quicken. I want to make her gasp. I want to know she is on the edge, right on the edge, and the next stroke, the next few seconds of restraint, the next touch of my hand, will carry her over, right over, plummeting to the deepest parts of herself. I want to be the one to have done that to her. For me, for the most part, that is enough.

When I want it back, and she can't give it, then the compensation is that the vanilla is the best kind, fresh and yet practised at the same time, skilled. If I ask, she will switch with me, but when it comes down to it, I'm still in control. As long as we're both saying yes, the view from the top is just fine.


Author Eve Cain
First published Story in Beyond Desire

Fairytales are riddled with imagery of bondage and domination. A princess locked in a tower, a prince chained to a dungeon wall, a maiden bound wrist and ankle and slung over her captor's shoulder, a knight beaten and bloodied as he fights to free his love. Every story is a battle to win a life fulfilled by the soul's desire, where defeat would be utter devastation and where victory is always a hard-won prize attained through submission and sacrifice.

Was it the all-encompassing passion of these childhood fables that enchanted my soul? Was it a belief that grew from the idea that ecstasy of the heart could only be attained if you gave up everything? Everything but the knowledge that there was no hardship you could not endure because in the end love would always triumph, would always be waiting to soothe and protect and keep you safe forevermore. Such stories have always enthralled my imagination.

Perhaps this is the wellspring that fed my erotic desires. When I submit I am profoundly suffused with the quiet bliss I have always known when I close my eyes to dream of the passion or adventure of my favorite lifelong tales. When I am bound I am a maiden, coveted and captured. When I am tortured I am challenged to surrender my fears and trust in love. When I at long-last find my release it is always a hard-won prize. And when I feel my restraints loosened and my ordeal subsiding, when harsh touches have once again turned soothing and aggressive voices give way to lulling tones, when I open my eyes to the caring and concerned gaze of my lover...The end of a beautiful scene will always find me floating in an enchanting world of happily ever after.

So why am I a bottom, what exactly feeds my passion? I may never truly know. However it is beyond doubt that such submission lies at the very heart of my soul's desire. Thus I will present myself vulnerable and exposed and yet strong and determined over-and-again, for to know such fulfillment in this life is reason enough for me.


Author Jolene Hui
Jolene Hui's Website


I never really thought about how exactly I have sex until I started spending a large amount of my time writing erotica. Or maybe I mean how I prefer to have sex. Whatever way I mean it or however you look at it, I never looked at sex like I do now. I have the ability now to know exactly what I want how I want it and when I want control and when I don't want it. Writing about sex has put me in control of my pleasure.

When it comes to being a top, bottom, or switch, there is no question about it: I am most definitely a switch with the ability to take control as a top or relinquish control as a bottom. However, I find that I lean toward the bottom side of the spectrum. Giving over that control is one of the most exhilarating things I've ever done in my life. I love the feeling of being with someone who knows how to please me or wants to learn exactly how to please me. There's nothing sexier than a person who gets off while getting me off. Don't get me wrong, though, I also have fun taking over the situation when necessary.

Each sexual situation is different and each partner is different. It's funny that some people like to say that sex is just sex, but sex is never just sex. Sex is different with each partner and even with each partner sex can be different every time. That's what's so fun about being a switch, being able to adapt to each individual situation.

I find that I am open to all sorts of people and preferences so this gives me lots of chances to play. Sometimes it's fun to takeover the top with partners who want you to do so, but I find that more often I am with a partner who wants to be the top. I've thought about this quite a bit and I think that I find it so exciting to be a bottom because I am such an aggressive person in everyday life. I am one of the most assertive people I know and to be able to let that go in the bedroom is freeing to me. It's kind of nice and refreshing to be the bottom. An utterance of "Oh no, Jolene, let me do that for you," or even a "sit the fuck still while I tie your wrists down," will, most likely, get me going.

I think I should also specify that when I look at it, tops and bottoms are not necessarily fully dominant and fully submissive. There aren't rules that each person has to follow. I'm all about blurring the boundaries and tailoring to each person. It's all about playing. And who doesn't like playtime?


Author Jolie du Pre
Jolie du Pre's Website


When I'm with a bi-curious female I'm a teacher, which translates to a Top. That's what she expects. There have been exceptions, like the time a young, cute, African American femme, with big, natural boobs and an infectious sense of humor initiated contact by slowing kissing my neck. "I don't know what I'm doing," she whispered. "You're doing just fine," I whispered back. Later, as I trailed my lips down her naked body, she demanded to top and she wouldn't take "no" for an answer. Her curiosity was similar to mine during my first girl on girl experience. I was so nervous my knees were shaking, but once I gained confidence the knees stop shaking and I wanted to top, eager to do all the things I had dreamed of doing to a woman.

I'm a strong, confident woman, and some women want me to top because of my personality. I was in a threesome with such a woman. She responded to me like a newbie, even though she had been with plenty of women before me. As I topped her I made her squirt, which made me want to strut like a rooster. It was interesting to watch her transform from a Bottom to a Top when she got with her husband. Yet, it was a reaction to what he demanded for the scene, not her true nature.

I've been a Bottom with almost every man except my husband. And even then, I'm only a Top when my husband asks me to be or if I'm really in that mood. I'm not comfortable topping a man. I need him to be in control. But, like always in my life, there have been exceptions. I was with this tall, muscular African American male who stuttered when he spoke. In my mind, my alphas don't have speech impediments. So I topped him, with his big, stiff cock in my mouth, for twenty minutes, because I wanted it, not because he told me what to do. (He didn't complain.)

I'm a Bottom with any lesbian who identifies as butch. When I'm with a butch, just like when I'm with a man, I want her to be in control. This has never been a problem. The butch women I've dated not only wanted to top me, they wanted to hold doors open for me, buy me things, beat up guys who flirted with me, and marry me. (If they could.) But I also date femmes and when I do they are the type that are just as assertive as I am. Therefore, we switch. I'll top a femme and then she'll top me.

So if you insist on a label for me, type Bisexual, Polyamorous, Switch with your label maker, and use the pretty pink tape that I like.


Graphic - Glitter Graphics


Be on the look out for Series 2 of TRUE EROTIC TALES, where authors offer new essays to a new question.

Safe, Sane, and Consensual?

My lesbian erotica has included a few stories that have a BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism) theme. My favorite is "She" in Hot & Bothered 4.


Excerpt:


In that room she stood there. Everywhere I went, she followed me with her eyes. She walked up to me, the only other black in the room, and said, "Get me a drink." I didn't know her and she didn't know me. But she told me to get her a drink, and I did.


Later, at her house, she placed me face down on her bed, my wrists and ankles tied. She reached into a chest, removed a paddle, and whacked my bare bottom until I cried out in pain.


"Come back at six tomorrow," she said.


"Can't I come later?" I asked. "I have a meeting at six."


"No," she said. "I said six. Don't disappoint me."


I remember staring at a bunch of papers while at work, the day after she spanked me, the same day she wanted me to meet her at six, and feeling the pain lingering on my ass. Glorious.


(An excerpt from "She" by Jolie du Pre in Hot and Bothered 4. )


For BDSM to be true BDSM, everything needs to be Safe, Sane and Consensual. We hear this all the time, but do we know what it really means? To explain, here's an article on Safe, Sane and Consensual.


Safe, Sane, and Consensual(SSC)


The big question asked by people who are thinking of getting into BDSM play; "Is this normal?" To answer a question with another question; "Is sexual exploration normal?" The answer is yes; humans are always progressing to create a bigger, better world so why shouldn't they strive to create bigger, better, sore satisfying sexual experiences?The big question you SHOULD be asking about any of your BDSM play is; "Is this SAFE, SANE, and CONSENSUAL?"



"Safe" means you will not injure or bring physical harm to others and yourself. Those who are into rougher forms of play, S&M activities such as spanking and flogging, should not be discouraged because this refers to knowing your limits as well as the limits of your partner(s). Even if your partner suggests another slap with the paddle, be aware that he/she could be "flying" and you should keep a grasp of what your partner is truly capable of handling. A player sometimes gets so caught up in a BDSM activity he/she enters a trance-like state or a state of unrealistic euphoria called flying that can be caused by a combination of rushing endorphins or the intensity of the experience. This mystical or trance-like experience is why BDSM is sometimes referred to as Sexual Magic. Players should check-in with each other every now and then during play to keep the activities safe.



"Sane" in reference to BDSM means understanding the person you are playing with. You do not want to do or say anything to harm your partner(s) emotionally or psychologically. A player should not wind up in the psych ward based on another player's actions or attitude during play. Humiliation is a part of some Domination and Submission play; this is fine as long as the person receiving this type of play consents to the aspects of his/her life, personality, and appearance that will be subject to humiliation. If one player is into "play rape" (and this does not mean a desire to be sexually assaulted or assault another person in real life), that player needs to know if his/her partner would be uncomfortable with that type of play. This brings us back to consent.



"Consent" is reiterated because it is essential for all BDSM activities to be successful. You must have pre-established, explicit consent about all aspects of a session before anyone can start. It is the responsibility of each player to convey what he/she wants and does not want to happen in a scene. If you are the Dom playing in a scene and are not sure about the consent of something you want to do to your Sub, then wait until the scene is over to ask if you can do it the next time. If youre not sure, don't do it; this is a good rule to go by in this context, especially for inexperienced players.


So if everything you want to do in your BDSM experience is SAFE, SANE, and CONSENSUAL, proceed and make your kinky fantasies your realities.


Article Source - Erotic Sex Toys

Clip Art Source - Glitter Graphics


Jolie du Pre is a writer of lesbian erotica and lesbian erotic romance.

Music for blogging - Marilyn Manson

Sugasm #94

The best of this week's blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #95? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you're all set.

This Week's Picks
Fisted, first.
"And it was lovely, because the movements made by his fist inside me were so different to a cock."

The Razor, the Tape and the Man
"He's never known this lack of control, this unstoppable surge of orgasm, this wave of ecstasy soldiers crossing his territory."

Sex Work And Religion: Monotone Man
"Religion comes up during calls more than I anticipated when I started doing sex work."

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Masterlock Street Cuffs

Editor’s Choice
Watching my girl's caning

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot's Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
Butch/Femme, Spanking and Team Gina, Oh My!
"If you jump into bed on a first date, it's already over" and other Myths
Normal.
Or, When Fantasy Ruins Your Love Life
Sex in the possibly public square
The Storm Cone
When trust faltered...

Sex News & Reviews
Sex Blogger Cocktail Party In Toronto
Sex Toy Review: njoy Butt Plug
Wet vs. dry rub

BDSM & Fetish
The Blindfold
Dinner Party
Happy HNT - Subspace bondage
I’m Not Ready To Play Nice...
Manless
New Store!!! New Videos!!! New Look!!!
Posting tipsy
Social Kink Interviews Steve Diet Goedde
Trashy kisses
Weekend With CD Part I (Figging LFM)

Sex Poetry
Beauty mark
Mischief

NSFW Pics & Videos
Catalina loves To Take Pictures
Gabriella (Gallery Carre)
Jessica Beil Topless
A Reflective Half-Nekkid Thursday
Sandra Shine Nude
Valentina is a goldpiece
WebMistress Feature Gallery: Sultry Striptease

Sex & Politics
We Support the Human Rights Campaign

Erotic Writing and Experiences
Bubble Bath
Cadillac Confessions Vol. 1
Caught Between A Rock And A Hard On! - Part 1
Chatting
Every Six Seconds... #2
No reservations, part 2
Our holiday - part one
Party
Sexytime
Siesta
Sex from the Rooftops
Speaking of Porn Stars….
Sunshine On Naked Skin
That Makes Two
Wanking this weekend?
Warm Wet Velvet
We sleeping wake, and waking sleep

Fantasy Vs. Reality: What Is Cheating?

(Cross-post at BlogHer)

This week's TMI Tuesday was an interesting one. The first task was to define "infidelity" as it relates to a relationship, and I stated that the definition really is a unique agreement between parties and that too often this isn't actually discussed but is an unspoken set of assumptions ~ and that's where misunderstandings and heartbreak reside.

As a sex worker I've pondered infidelity and cheating often. I've knowingly participated in 'his affair', and for that I'm often hated; but I know that I'm not responsible for the decisions of another. "Isn't it unethical to come between another couple's relationship?" I'm asked. "I can only make my own responsible decisions," is my reply, "I do not have the power to consent for anyone else."

Of course, making responsible decisions for myself involves being honest and clear with myself so that I can do the same with my partner(s). Would that we'd all be so aware.

Sex workers are often quizzed on their own relationships. "Isn't your work cheating on your partner?" I've been asked. I never saw it that way. It's work. However, personally, once I began a committed relationship, it was often difficult for me to work. My gigs, as such, were not just screwing episodes. I put more of myself into those appointments than just my body parts. I won't say I was in love with clients, but I sure didn't hate them. I loved in an 'all of humanity' way and so it was intimate work for my soul. This was more difficult when I was personally attached, or becoming so, with another. At those times I quit. That was my choice. Other sex pros I know were more capable of separating personal from professional than I, and they carried on with work and relationship quite comfortably.

But is it cheating? Well, not if I'm honest with my partner(s) and they agree.

I've discussed with partners, past and current, about how they'd feel with my continuing to work and being with them. Most had no problems ~ perhaps because it was 'in theory'. I cannot say for certain. It also takes a rather open man to both have no insecurities and be free of moral judgments, so perhaps they are just that special. Most understood the distinctions between fantasy and reality. Paid escort work is fantasy; dating me is reality. They aren't the same experience. (And heaven knows several of my exes wish they could pay me so that I'd be the girl they wanted!)

But other people are not so clear in their understanding.

Another sex worker, Secondhand Rose, recently had a conversation about her phone sex work. And it's clear that her husband's friend, Mike, doesn't trust her work, to which Rose responds:

Mike, I guess you need to see the difference between action and words, between fantasy and reality. That's what entertainment is. Phone sex is about sex, yes, but it's entertainment. When you watch Die Hard, you aren't really blowing shit up -- you're just pretending. You're entertained. Just one of the many reasons why phone work is legal and prostitution isn't.

When he is not convinced, Rose's husband speaks up:

Mike: And that doesn't bother you, Rob? To know some other guy's getting off to -- or even with -- your wife?!

Rob: So what if she does? I'm not the freakin' masturbation police, or her keeper. I know for a fact she gets off writing her stories, so what's the difference if she's creating them on the phone? When she writes humor pieces I hear her giggling at her own wit at the computer -- the only danger here is that Rose will fall even more in love with herself, making her harder to live with, and her large head means we will have to buy expensive custom hats.

I've often advised erotica as an outlet for those people in relationships where a fantasy or a fetish is not going to be shared in the relationship, and I certainly include calling a PSO in that category. But then I'm a sex worker, so I 'would', says my friend, Kim.

She was aghast that I'd even think such a thing. Here's how our conversation went...

"Rick paying for phone sex would be cheating!"

"Why? It's no different than reading an erotic story from a book or listening to recorded erotica ~ other than this is less passive, it's interactive."

"That's the problem ~ he'd be getting off with her, not just the story."

"He'd be getting off to a story, a fantasy, she's creating for him. It's not 'her' as a person."

"She is a person, and she's talking sex with my husband!"

"Yes, but she's not 'herself'; she's a fantasy."

"But he's telling her private, intimate things..."

"Yes, but things you've made it clear he shouldn't share with you. It's about the fantasy, not her."

"But what if he likes that she can go there and so starts to fall for her...?"

"If he should do that then he's just as likely to fall for some chick in a magazine or on TV. He's not living here but in fantasy land. It can happen ~ it does happen ~ but as a pro, she'll set him back right. She'll tell him where the lines are, and if he can't grasp that, she'll not accept his calls."

"How can you be so sure?"

"A female sex worker is still a woman. She doesn't want to be some fantasy woman adored for the illusion, she too wants to be adored for herself. She's not going to accept a relationship where it's clearly based on the fantasy, a fantasy world, not reality. That's why I say a pro is better than some chat room or a 'free' call ~ she's a pro, not someone desperate for or playing at a relationship. The pro will play, be entertainment; but she's not going to be satisfied with playing pretend for the rest of her life."

"What if she is?"

"Then she's as unstable as the guy and they're both in trouble. Does that sound like Rick?"

She said, "No," but she's still not convinced that Rick calling a PSO would be the same as his masturbating to photos online, to a porno, or to a story in a book...

What do you say? Is calling a phone sex operator cheating? Or is it the same as any other sex fantasy read in a book or in photos?

Sugasm #89

The best of this week's blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #90? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you're all set.

This Week's Picks
Burlesque
"She performs astounding acts and swirls her perfect ass in circles, like the tassles on her tits."

Nylon Whispers
"I run my fingers along every bit of my nylon covered flesh"

No Timeless Beauty To Conform To
"While fashions themselves come and go, so do the standards of beauty rise and fall like the heaving breasts of an excited woman."

Mr. Sugasm Himself
Welcome to the Redesign

Editor's Choice
Catalina loves (sex in) Sevilla

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot's Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio
Half-Nekkid and Asking for It
I Feel Myself
Inspiration
Lindsay Lohan Naked Pictures On Internet?
Professional dress code
Time For Tits

Erotic Writing and Experiences
Another Ride
Dirty Lace
A gay lesson
Joining the Half-Mile-High Club San Francisco, part 9
Office Masturbation - part 4
Poker
Postage Stamp Sex
Private Show pt. 1
Rape Fantasies
Repressed
Romance
She Dancin' with a G

Sex News
Find Your Love Match Among Hegre Art's Models

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
BDSM Part II; etymolgy, history, psychology
Can you can can?
Commentators
Fuck Your Fucking Ethics
The Glory That Is Myra Breckinridge
I wish I'd known that...
Lip Service
Panties Tell You What I'm Wanting
"Thank You"
Things I Would Like to See in Porn
Tom made me think

Sex & Politics
No Payola

BDSM & Fetish
Featured Fetish - Urophilia (Pee, Piss, Watersports)
Happy HNT - Metal bondage fun and a naughty night with Shasta Gibson
Sick
Singing about spanking
Submissive List
Torrent

Author Kis Lee Dishes On Dirty Stories

Many folks think erotica is just another word for 'dirty stories' and therefore miss out on other erotic possibilities in their relationships... So I asked author Kis Lee to describe what things she believes are essential to an erotic story, what makes it 'erotic' rather than just 'dirty,' and what those things mean as far as possibilities in your sex life.

For a while, the headline for my Myspace profile said: "I write dirty words for a living." It wasn't meant to be cheeky. I just like using the word "dirty." (My current headline simply says "smutty.") I see an overlap between "erotic" and "dirty." I don't see anything wrong with writing dirty stories. In my own writing, I don't think about the distinction between the two.

I like calling myself a "smut writer" because I write both porn and erotica. Sometimes I write a story that is pure stroke fiction: about two people hooking up and getting off. I like to think of these kinds of stories as masturbatory fiction. I want the reader to get turned on. Other times I write a story that is more about the characters than about sex. I want to explain why the particular characters get together. I want to explore why there is (or there isn't) sexual chemistry between the main characters. Those stories are more "erotic" in my mind. I'm really fascinated by the how's and why's of human relationships.

In my writing, I try to create a sense of reality infused with fantasy. Or perhaps it's fantasy infused with reality? In any case I want the reader to think that the story could take place in real life. I often write about moves and techniques that have worked for me. Sometimes I even take snippets of real life conversations. However if the story is too close to real life, it can be boring. That's why a lot of my stories involve my own unfulfilled fantasies. Despite being a smut writer, I haven't tried everything I've wanted to experience. Not even close. I use my writing as an avenue of exploring my hidden and not-so-hidden desires. I figure that if I get turned on, then some readers might feel the same way.

Fantasies play a big role in my sex life. I'm really open with my current partner, and he is open-minded as well. We talk about sex quite often, and we've discussed our fantasies. Even the act of discussing fantasies adds excitement to our sex life. We know that we're not going to fulfill every single fantasy, but it is fun to talk about the possibilities. Every time we share a fantasy, we learn more about the other person. We both look pretty tame, but we both have kinky sides. It keeps life exciting.

My partner recently asked me if he inspires my writing. He definitely does. Sometimes I use our experiences as material for fiction. (He knows this and I have his blessing.) Other times I rely on my imagination as the source. With unfulfilled fantasies, I have to pretend that I've experienced the same thing. For example, I wrote a story called "Bus Ride" and it involves bondage and public sex. I've experienced bondage before, but I've never had sex in public. I've never even had sex in the car before. For that story, the story began with the characters and the words just flowed from there. I hope that my readers wonder whether the story is based on fact. I like to keep people guessing.

Here's an excerpt from "Bus Ride":

"Don't be shy, love. Tell me why you need a collar."

"It's for a party," I said. "My friend is getting married, and we're going out clubbing afterwards."

"I see." He ran his hand over my thigh, his fingertips hovering in the air, never touching the soft fabric. He had large hands with long fingers. Whenever I saw a man with long fingers, I wondered if he knew how to play the piano.

He moved his hand from my thigh to my forearm. He lightly brushed my bare arm with his fingertips. His slight touch went from the inside of my wrist to my elbow and up towards my bicep. He stroked my skin slowly like he was remembering my texture. I watched his gaze slide over my breasts, my stomach, and lower.

I jumped when the bus rolled into motion. I didn't even hear the driver announce our departure. Shifting in my seat, I noticed that all the passengers congregated around the front and middle. A few middle-aged ladies discussed which casino had the best buffet.

"No one can see us," Dave whispered.

Kis Lee is a recovering lawyer turned freelance smut writer. Her story, Bus Ride, will be published in E Is for Exotic, part of the Erotic Alphabet Series by Cleis, due out later this month.

You can (try) to keep up with Kis at her erotica blog, her adult blog for women, and her website.

Sugasm #88

The best of this week's blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants -- of which we are one!

Want in Sugasm #89? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you're all set.

This Week's Picks
Kinky To Vanilla
"Now, each time we play with others, it's a gift that further cements our closeness and shows us the value of our love."

One For The Guys
"Get into the habit of building your sexual pleasure and indulging in it fully."

When A Client Dies-Part 2
"As I drank my morning coffee I googled his name and "obit". Up popped his obituary."

Mr. Sugasm Himself
A Porn Store Clerk Speaks

Editor's Choice
Love at First Sight

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot's Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

BDSM & Fetish
Bombshell (The Big News)
A Cock and a Smile
Dreaming of suburban spankings
Featured Fetish - Ropes (Shibari, Bondage, Ropework)
Fooling around
The Gain, pt. 4 - The Exchange
How I Went To Prom And Soiled The Pretty Pretty Dress I Found In The 2007 'Cosmo Girl Prom'
Ms160 judges a Princess competition...
My (Af)fair Lady
Naughty webcam fun with Griz and good girl
The Panty Controversy
Party Girl
Power Exchange (will I or won't I?) San Francisco, part 6
Slutty sight
Summer School
When Daddy Gets Home Tonight

Sex Work
Clients Say the Darndest Things

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
Bald = hot
Kinky Vanilla
On abandon
The Origins of Monogamy and Jealous
Pretendy Sex
Seduction - from the eyes of my spouse
Three years

Sex News & Reviews
Polyamorously Perverse, Gracie's Been Sleeping In Your Blog
Slip of a Girl Right Hand Ring Bling Contest

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio
The Best A Woman Can Get
Chantelle Fontain Nude
Gemma Atkinson
Half-Nekkid and Supporting the Troops
Keana | Exhibitionist (Hegre Art)
Last night
More Lindsay Lohan Bikini Pictures
Tuesday's Tits for the Troops
WebMistress Feature Gallery: Party Girl

Sex Advice
Closed Due To Flooding?

Erotic Writing and Experiences
After Midnight
Cyberecstasy
The Driving Urge
Fantasy Forth! "Twin Celebration"
First kiss
In which sinclair gets off
The Love of Sea Glass
Palm Springs ... Friday Finale!
Story: The Birthday Party
Test Your Strength
Watching you

Sex Lubricants Slip Sliding Away

When I was younger I balked at lubricants because I felt I didn't need them. Now that I'm older, lubricants are nice to have and create an exciting sensation. Lubricants can be a bit pricey, depending on what you buy. But the right lubricant is worth the money.

Sex Lubricants Slip Sliding Away

Sexual lubricants and sex oil products are used to heighten intimate joy between partners, or with one's self. Sex lubricants have been known to increase sex stimulation. It is not unique for a women's vagina to not develop sufficient natural lubrication. In these instances intimate lubricants can be a leading asset. Sexual lubricants, sexuality lubricants, anal sexuality lubricants, oil sexuality products, and sexuality massage oil products heighten intimate experiences in a protected and sanitary manner.

There are many types of intimate lubricants. Petroleum based sexuality lubricants; are oil based in makeup and include mineral oil, infant oils, Vaseline products, etc. Do to the system of these unsophisticated based sexuality lubricants, they cannot be used with diaphragms, and latex based products (condoms, etc.). Petroleum based intimate lubricants are too reported to cause inflammation and can annoy the vagina.

Water-based Lubes are the most secure and favorite lubricants for all situations. Typically made of de-ionized water, glycerin, and propylene glycol, they are secure to use with condoms. In addition, water-based lubricants are secure to use with sexuality toys, which are normally made of latex, silicone, or plastic.

It is rare that water-based lubricants cause inflammation, and they don't tarnish clothing. They are safe to ingest, and they come in both flavored and unflavored varieties. They tend to dry out over prolong periods, but a little water or saliva and they relubricate in a flash.

The natural oil lubricants come from sources such as nuts or vegetables. Like petroleum-based lubes, they too tear down latex (diaphragms, condoms, and cervical caps) and mark clothing. However, they do have one key benefit over petroleum-based lubes: they don't cause vaginal itchiness. This makes them excellent for male and female masturbation, as vaginal stimulation.

Silicone-based lubricants offer the benefits of water-based lubricants with the advantage of being waterproof, so they may be used in the bath, shower, jacuzzi, etc. Additionally, they will tend to lubricate longer than water-based lubes. Silicone will not impair latex, so they're safe with condoms and other forms sex toy stimulants; however, it is important to note that they tend to affect adult toys made from silicone. Many people report increased pleasure with the sensation and functioning of a silicone lubricant.

Sexual lubricants, sex lubricants, anal sex lubricants, oil sex products, and sex massage oils are a class of sex toy products. These products are sure to enhance one's sexual satisfaction, and can be used by couples or solo.

You can find additional sex lubricants and sex oils information here and here.

Jolie du Pre is an author of lesbian erotica and erotic romance.

Music for blogging - Tracy Chapman

Bulk of content provided by: Article Alley

Sugasm #86

The best of this weeks blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #87? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you're all set.

This Week's Picks
Menage
"Sometimes, she's even more the centre of things than he is, since she is a more recent addition to the dynamic, and since we both adore her."

Money and Sex
"And then in walks sex, #1 potential button pusher of all times."

Denied - 11
"There's a click, and a lifting of restriction, and cool, soothing moistness."

Mr. Sugasm Himself
The Skeptical Pornographer: The G-Spot.

Editor's Choice
A fitting for a marriage

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot's Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

Sex News & Reviews
Fun Factory Layaspot Mini Vibrator Review
NEW Designs Throughout the Shop!

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
Adult Meme: Q & A
A Brief History of Literature
Cockwhore 101 - Spitting
Have You Ever Used A Vibrator So Long That Even After You Stopped It Still Tingled?
Internet fuck buddy
Is it in yet?
It's Behind You! Hurry Before It
Lesbian Sexuality 101
Q & A For (More Than) One (I Hope!)
Persian "Lover" - Part Two
Read Me
TMI, Anyone?
What if today was the last day?

BDSM & Fetish
Bait
Beer bottles and nipple clamps
Daddy's little girl
Featured Fetish Film: Lez Go Retro (Lingerie, Nylon, Lesbian)
Ms160 celebrates a birthday
Oh, Sweet Release! (Kinda)
Parking again
Scenes From My Bedroom - Part 1: Taken
Space

Sex Work
The Art of Teasing

NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio
BodyPaint - Pictorial Presentation
Breann McGregor Undressed Nude Pictures
Deep Tongue Lovin'
LSG Models' Latest Erotic Photos and Video
San Francisco Pride Pix

Sex & Politics
The no porn pledge (And my response to other misguided people)
Watching Big Love...

Erotic Writing and Experiences
Dirty Talking Girl
Hot Summer Nights are a Voyeur's Dream
I know u want to
In Love With Her Best Friend
Laid
Saved By The Bell
Sexual Dreams~ ~#1
Silver Screen
Sleepy Time
Sweet Release
Unfinished
When Joe Brought Suzy Home 3

One For The Guys

7 Tricks for Lasting Longer in Bed. A Crash Course in Sexual Stamina

My extensive experiences with tantric yoga, ancient sexuality practices, and contemporary western therapeutic paradigms have exposed me to many 'tricks-of-the-trade' when it comes to coming.

In this article I'll attempt to distill some of this simple but powerful wisdom. Hopefully men seeking to improve their sexual stamina, or even just to educate themselves sexually, can begin to use this as a roadmap for their quest. And a very worthy quest it is too, (speaking as a woman).

If there is one thing I cannot resist it is a man who is dedicated to learning more about his body and sexuality in general.

I know I speak for a lot of other women when I say that the most important quality in a lover is a commitment to improving the quality of his, and his partner's, sexual experiences.

THE TRICKS TO LASTING LONGER

1. Relax and increase your body awareness.

There are very many techniques out there to help you relax and be more able to 'feel' your body. As a yoga practitioner I have experience with very many powerful relaxation, meditation and breathing techniques.

Perhaps the simplest one is just paying attention to your breathing during sex. Not controlling it, just noticing it.

Masters and Johnson also developed a technique known as "sensate focus exercises" which I use extensively in my practice as sexual surrogate therapist and sex 'coach'.

2. Focus on pleasure in sex, rather than sexual performance.

Let go of any expectations about the outcome of sex. Going into a sexual experience with a 'plan' robs you of any ability to be open minded.

You cannot learn from sex if you are focused on how it should look.

Instead, notice the pleasure as it is happening. The pleasure will show you what is good. It is the ultimate teacher when it comes to sex.

3. Increase awareness of your sexual arousal.

Again, open your awareness to your feelings of pleasure and pay close attention to your arousal levels. Awareness is the first step to understanding; which is itself a step towards mastery.

Focus on your pleasure during sex, during masturbation, or even the subtle pleasure you experience when a gorgeous woman gets on the bus.

4. Extend your sexual arousal to higher levels.

There are many techniques you can learn to extend your pleasure. As you become more aware of your sexual arousal a natural increase in your arousal level is inevitable.

This will happen because you will become familiar and comfortable with your pleasure, and your body will propel you to greater heights naturally.

Be sure to practice sex and pleasure often, so your body can keep teaching you.

5. Master your sexual arousal consistently at higher levels.

As your sexual pleasure naturally increases with more practice, you will begin to 'play' with it.

Manipulate your breathing patterns, sexual energy field and subtle internal sensations, to the point that you can begin to feel mastery over them.

Again, ancient wisdom, sex manuals and other people's experiences are full of eye opening possibilities.

6. Become accustomed to a steady level of intense arousal.

Get into the habit of building your sexual pleasure and indulging in it fully. Let the moments you feel pleasure expand.

Let the arousal continue as if it didn't need to end ever. It will of course, but you don't care when ... just let it happen.

7. Stop thinking.

Drop your conscious mind out of the picture. Investigate or experiment with techniques to get your internal dialogue to shut up.

Experience all of this intense and joyous pleasure, not in your head, not by thinking about it ... but in your body. Feel it!

THE KEY is connecting more deeply to your own sensations and feelings.

Here's a bonus tricky tip for you. It's also the most important one.

8. Remember your own commitment to learn and grow.. . it all comes back to you.

By the way, if some of these tricks seem to be a bit of a tease it's because they are. Each one could be the subject of several very in depth articles or sexuality workshops.

I want you to take the time to ponder these tricks and look further. I wish you well on your adventures and I wish you very much pleasure.

Love,
Mukee

Mukee Okan is an artist mother yogic practitioner and instructor sexual surrogate partner therapist and sacred sexuality teacher. Originally from Australia Mukee has trained and participated in many arenas of life experience. Her training in sacred sexuality has encompassed three complementary streams: the yogic stream, the shamanic stream, and the western medical model of surrogate partner therapy. She continues to explore other traditions and arenas in sacred sexuality.

Jolie du Pre is an author of lesbian erotica and erotic romance. She hopes that you enjoyed this article by Mukee Okan.

Article provided by ArticleWorld.net.

Journal, You Blushing Ladies (And Gents) Meme

You've had a great day and are in the mood; your partner isn't...

Can you get them in the mood?

If so, how?

If not, do you take matters into your own hands? And what props (toys, books, movies) do you use?

If you don't masturbate, what do you do with all that sexual energy?

Whether or not you've pleasure yourself, do you resent, 'keep score' or otherwise negatively note that your partner wouldn't please you?


If you're participating in this at your blog, please use "Blushing Ladies Journal" as a tag. And leave a link to your post in the widget so that others may find them!

Or feel free to post as a comment.

Adult Meme: Q & A

Playing along with this meme...

What's one question you've been expecting to be asked at your blog which has never been asked?

Quite honestly, there's quite a few questions I've been anticipating... Off the top of my head, I'd say I've been expecting to hear, "What's a sure-fire way to get a woman in the mood?"

Why?

Because it's a very common question. *wink*

Answer it.

If you want to please her, go the oral route ~ and read to her!

Put your mouth to good use, for as Woodrow Wyatt once said, "A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears."

It's not just Wyatt and I who say so either; science is backing us up. (See Canli and Gabrieli (2004) and Hamann et al (2004).)

So, read her poems, a story, or a chapter each night before bed. They can be as romantic or as dirty as she likes, but it's a certainty that she'll literally melt before you, with a puddle in her panties to prove it!

What's one question you've wanted to ask your readers, but never have?

Well, it's a question I've long just wanted to ask the world... Since women are so into auditory arousal, why aren't more women calling PSOs (phone sex operators)?

And don't cop-out and say that women don't need to pay for sex. We're talking about having a pro say everything you want to hear... How hot is that?!

Why not?

Just waiting for the right time to act on the impulse, I guess. *wink*

Now what are your thoughts on the matter?

What's Your Seduction Style (Quiz)

Erotica the Power Play Way

Awhile ago I wrote some tips on How To Use Erotica. Once section, Erotica the Power Play Way, got quite a number of emails...

* Master Says
Read to your partner and see how long she can go without touching herself ~ in any way. She is not allowed to rub her legs together, tweak her own nipples, or even use her own mouth (lick lips, bite lower lip etc) without your permission. In order to do so, she must ask "Master, may I?" and you can decide if and when she may have the release she seeks.

* I've Been A Bad Boy, Mother Goose
I enjoy dressing as a stern nanny or Dominatrix for my part, and have him undress for his role as the naughty boy. Then I tell him the rules: "You will listen to the story, and you will not touch yourself. Not one little bit, or you will get a spanking. If you understand, say 'Yes, Mistress'." Once he agrees, I begin to read. Obviously, you will have to follow through each and every time he does touch himself and if he's the sort who adores erotic spankings he is going to try to wanker-off at every word, so you may need to provide additional rules or consequences. Perhaps you'll need to up the ante to nipple twists? Maybe you'll need to tell the bad boy that storytime will end with his going to bed alone if he continues to interrupt... Or maybe he'll need to drop and give you 20 ~ pussy licks, that is! Be flexible in his likes and in his ability to last, and you and your naughty boy will make Mother Goose as much a part of your regular bedtime activities as brushing your teeth.

* Enchanted Erotic Recipe
Leave the book on your partner's pillow with the selected story clearly marked. On top of the book place your handwritten note with instructions: "Read this story, and be prepared for tonight..." If the story is one that you'd like to act out and it requires props of some sort (special outfits, toys, food items, etc), clearly state in your note that she is required to provide such ingredients. Women love, Love, LOVE anticipation. Making her wait for hours (or days if you tell her on Wednesday to prepare for Saturday!) will put her under an enchanted erotic spell.

Most of the emails were from folks who were aroused by the ideas but felt their partner wasn't quite ready to do this yet. How, they wondered, do you get your partner to move past reading and acting on those naughty impulses?

Here are a few beginner steps:

* Shy Try
For partners who are a bit worried about trying something new, this is a great warm-up to 'bigger and better' sex play scenes. One of you selects three stories based on fantasies you've discussed but haven't had the guts to try yet. Take the titles of each one, put them in a 'hat' and have the other draw one that you'll both try that night.

The catch is, that the one of you must be tied up and blindfolded as they listen to the other read the story. This not only removes some of the embarrassment (or discomfort of 'new') and prevents them from quitting/leaving, but the arousal of listening as their partner strokes and touches them transfers the anxiety into arousal... The reader has the power to stop reading and give-in to lusty needs at any time ~ at their own discretion, of course!

* Hands-On
Similar to the 'Shy Guy,' only instead of binding & blindfolding your partner, you tape yourself reading a story (or buy an audio recording to play). As the story is read, massage your partner. Again the combination of touch and listening acts as emotional lube, releasing inhibitions.

The power play comes in when the one massaging feels their partner is putty in their hands and will now try out the story line or act. (It's perfectly fine to make them wait, make them plead!)

* Half-And-Half
Tell your partner that you'll read the start of the story, preferably one that he doesn't know, and then stop reading and have him tell you how he'd finish the story ~ if he pleases you with the story's ending, you'll allow him to act it out.

In any of these scenarios, if your partner is aroused but still not ready to give it a real try, that's OK. So maybe the first few times you still have sex without the 'real' or 'heavy' power play ~ you are both still working on the fantasies. Sometimes it takes a few steps like this for them to feel comfortable enough to really let go.

Don't force it, or get upset. A lusty roll is positive reinforcement, and your patience & understanding will go a long way to reassure them the next time. Then you can take the teasing further into power play ~ and get your way!

Now it's your turn... What ways do you have to turn reading erotica into a fun sexual power play?

Married Bisexual Women Essays for May 20, 2007

I am looking for BISEXUAL MARRIED WOMEN to write a 500 word or fewer essay of their thoughts on being a bisexual married woman. These essays will be posted at The Blushing Ladies Journal beginning on Sunday, May 20, 2007.

You may write your essay as ANONYMOUS or I can post your name/pen name and a link to your website, blog or MySpace as a promotional tool.

If you are interested, please:

1. Write a 500 word or fewer essay on being a married bisexual woman. Put your essay in the body of an email. NO ATTACHMENTS.
2. Indicate if you would like the essay as ANONYMOUS or include your name or pen name and your website, blog or MySpace address.

Please send your essay to joliedupre@ameritech.net by Friday, May 18, 2007. Put ESSAY in the subject line.

Thanks,
Jolie du Pre

Bisexual Married Women

Bisexual Married Women
Inside Jolie's Head - 5/6/2007

Most of this article is a reprint from my article "Bisexuality in Marriage" at Logical Lust. The article was written in 2003. I've changed a few things . (Except for my husband's name, all other names have been changed.)


I'm a bisexual woman, and I've been conscious of this fact for the last 25 of my 44 years. Twenty six years ago, as a freshman, I entered an all girls college. I thought I was straight. But attending this college, I believe, brought out my true sexuality.

Fall, 1981. I was at college, in the dormitory, in one of the elevators. Pat walked in. Except for the mounds on her chest, she could pass for a man. I was terrified and rushed out of the elevator as fast as I could. Two years later, I sent her a love letter. Terror had turned to lust. She exemplified my definition, at the time, of a lesbian, and as a young, burgeoning bisexual woman, I had to have her. It didn't matter that she had a girlfriend. But Pat was a loyal lover, so she acknowledged my long letter with a long letter of her own, gently telling me that she was unavailable and that she planned to stay that way.

My College, I found, was full of women who liked women. It didn't mean we slept with each other, although some, like Pat, did. It meant that we were deeply into each other. When financial difficulties forced the college to begin to accept men, we women protested. We were very comfortable without them.

The entire time I was attracted to Pat ( now a writer for a gay magazine in Chicago, or at least I had heard ) I had a boyfriend, Rob, who's now my husband.

Many have asked how I can be attracted to women while having a man in my life. Well, that's easy - I'm not straight; I'm not gay; I'm bisexual. As Kathy Labriola says in her online article "What is Bisexuality? Who is Bisexual?":

Many people are 100% gay or lesbian, and are drawn sexually and emotionally only to partners of the same sex. Others are completely heterosexual, bonding in sexual and intimate relationships only with people of another sex. But what about everybody else? A significant percentage of people do not fit neatly into either of these categories, because they experience sexual and emotional attractions and feelings for people of different genders at some point during their lives. For lack of a better term, they are called bisexuals, although many people prefer to call themselves "pansexual," "non-preferential," "sexually fluid," "ambisexual," or "omni-sexual."

I've met bisexual women who have husbands or boyfriends and female lovers. I've met bisexual women who have husbands or boyfriends, but do not have female lovers. I've met bisexual women who are celibate. I've met bisexual women who have female lovers, but do not have husbands or boyfriends. We are varied and we are everywhere.

Soon after I graduated from college, after my failed attempt with Pat, I was dying to have a relationship with a woman, dying. I got myself a copy of the Chicago Reader and found an advertisement for Action Bi Women, a now defunct bisexual women's support group in Chicago. Bingo! Call it whatever you want, I was getting laid. It didn't take me long to meet Cindy. I was a bisexual woman with a boyfriend. She was a married bisexual woman. Our men were in support of our dating. It was perfect.

We were sitting on her couch, and since I had never been with a woman, I was scared to death. Who would make the first move? Certainly not me. And then out of the blue, she kissed me. The first kiss I have ever received from a woman. I can't count how many women I've kissed since then, but I will never forget that first kiss. It was heaven. During some heavy necking, her husband walked in - so we never made it to home plate. I wanted to see her again, and I wanted a relationship - she didn't.

Soon after I was unceremoniously dumped by Cindy, I put on a sexy outfit and marched off to one of the lesbian bars in Chicago that's no longer open, Aukie and Ck's. I was scared, but I tried not to show it. I played a few games of pool with some butches and then Melanie appeared, also butch. She turned me on (most butch women did at that time) and she was full of stories, all true. Like the time she was thrown out of the army for being gay. She was a lesbian, but I didn't care. That week we got a cheap motel room and spent hours in bed. The very first time I was ever fucked by a girl. You couldn't get me into that cheap motel today, but spending time in that dump with Melanie I will never forget.

But there was a problem, something that I knew would present itself at some point, Melanie could not deal with the fact that I had a boyfriend. So, now it was my turn to dump. Later, I dumped women because I found it difficult to give my heart to someone other than my husband. Much later, when I became a writer, I dumped women because of lack of time. Today, I've reconnected with a woman from seven years ago. We're friends again and that friendship is strong based on what we went through in our past together.

My husband has always been supportive of who I am. Is he unusual? Not really. Every bisexual woman that I became involved with had a boyfriend or a husband that was supportive. Sometimes the men were involved, like the occasional three-way, but that didn't happen very often. Other times I never met the men.

The reality is - married bisexual women, and bisexual women with boyfriends, are all over the place.

~

On Sunday, May 20, I will post the thoughts and experiences of other bisexual married women I've contacted. I will also post any support groups that I'm aware of. If you are a married, bisexual woman, I hope that you will visit this site to read their words. We are not alone.

Jolie du Pre is an author of lesbian erotica and erotic romance.
Music for 5/6/2007 blogging - Jonathan Chambers

Sex and Commitments

Marriage is a commitment and anyone who sticks to their commitment should be commended. But there are many who forget that just staying in the relationship because you have a commitment isn't necessarily healthy. When certain aspects slide, it doesn't matter how committed you are - the relationship can be over without either party actually physically leaving. One of those aspects is sex.

Yes, I said sex. I know that there are other important facets of a relationship but without sex, the other facets will slide as well. Without sex, intimacy drops. When intimacy declines you lose that special feeling of closeness. Then you grow apart and start doing your own thing more often than you do things together. You start sharing more with your girlfriends than you do with your partner. Then you might start to wonder why he doesn't talk to you anymore. And he wonders ... well, I'm not really sure what he wonders but I'm sure he does.

So, yes, sex is a very important factor.

Women should never feel responsible for their mate's sexual satisfaction, nor should a man feel responsible for his wife's. But each should feel responsible for the maintenance of their relationship. The have duty to each other to keep the intimacy alive. When you start letting it slip, it just gets easier in easier and pretty soon, it's gone.

It's like I told my daughter, if you come in 10 minutes late for curfew one night, it's so much easier to come in 15 minutes late next week. And then it's half an hour and and two hours and before you know it, you're staying out all night long. And ya, there are consequences, but you learn to live with them and you move on. The first time you tell your mate, "Not tonight - I'm just not in the mood," it's kinda hard because you don't want to her their feelings. But then a couple nights later, you say it again. And again and again. And pretty soon, months have gone by and it's easier to say the words than it is to make an effort and make love to your partner.

What can you do about it? Well, first you both need to agree that you need to stop the I'm-not-in-the-mood cycle. Talk about why you use those words, how you feel when the other says them, and why you want to break the cycle. Then make a date.

Find a time when the kids can be away for the night. Set the mood. Spend an afternoon enjoying each other's company, holding hands, and laughing. Laughter is a great aphrodisiac. Then go home and get down to business. You might not feel "it" at first, but you will. Tell each other what's working. Don't get all serious. Try to keep it light. But the main thing is to get naked and intimate.

Keep this up at least once a week. You might feel like it is kind of forced at first but soon you'll get into it. And the more sex you have, the more you want it so keep at it. Practice makes perfect.

The Sweet Smell of Sex

Over at Pretty Dumb Things, Chelsea Girl wonders about her committed relationship and why they are having less than stellar sex:

And I have tried, I have tried and I have tried to get Donny to hear my complaints. I have mentioned how he used to tie me up and wasn't that fun, wouldn't he like a go at the old ropes again? I have said, wow, I really liked it when you dripped me with candle wax, whaddaya think, got a match? I have said, you know, I really enjoy being spanked. How about spanking me? I have insinuated, intimated, directly addressed, queried, said outright and asked point blank. I have done so for almost a year, and for almost a year, I have seen our sex life get more and more firmly entrenched in what I can only term in absolute honesty as a rut.

Saturday, I lost patience, and I kinda sorta, no really, let Donny have it. I told him that I was dissatisfied. I reminded him of the sex we used to have--long, languorous and perverse loops of time and experience where we held each other suspended in passion and occasional pain. I told him that I realized that this kind of sex wasn't an everyday option, but given how rarely we do fuck, that I needed it to happen more frequently than it had.

I told him, in short, that we were in a rut. I told him that I wanted out. Whether I meant the rut or the relationship was intentionally ambiguous.

"Well," he said, a stricken look on his face, "when I met you and we did all that stuff, I wasn't in love with you. But now I love you, and..." his voice trailed off.

Which leaves me to wonder. What has love got to do with it? Why now that my boyfriend is in love with me and I with him, now that he takes care of me, now that he's committed to me, why with all of that, does the nasty need to go away? Why can't he fuck me like the little whore I used to be (and still am in my mind)? Why must I sacrifice the wild ecstatic pleasures to the domestic delights? Why do I have to lose my lover to gain a partner?

Why can't I have it all?

...I hope fervently that we can relearn how to be beasty in the bedroom and keep the commitment. It's a lot less easy than I thought it would be.

Yes, Chelsea, it is. It will be. Relationships take work and sometimes that work along with the daily grind make sex between committed partners seem more like sex with a friend or a sibling even. (Yeesh!)

That spark, that je ne sais quoi, that makes folks tumble into bed together is dampened if not completely put out by the wet blanked of security, familiarity and comfort which we all prize in our relationships ~ well, at least until it smothers the sex, then we wonder if it's all it's cracked-up to be.

Without trying to play counselor to Chelsea and Donny ~ the former I've 'conversed with' a few times, the later I don't know from Adam ~ I do have general advice for this general situation of a general sexual rut. And it's really simple: Hit him in the nose.

No, not literally. Use his sense of smell to get him in the mood.

Memories, complete with all associated emotions such as arousal and lust, can be prompted by smell. I'm serious ~ it works for both men and women. And I'm not talking about pheromones or other odors you either aren't aware of or cannot control; I'm talking about recreating the fragrances you both fell in lust with. Your perfume, his cologne, candles, incense ~ even the smell of a smoky bar can literally be that magic "something in the air" which you've been missing.

Smells are strongly linked to memory, so simply spritzing on that signature perfume you always used to wear when you were dating or lighting candles in the same scents you first made-out to can take your partner back to those emotional feelings. I personally know a couple whose sex life soared to re-newed heights when she took a part-time job back in waitressing. Every night that she returned home smelling of fried foods it took him back to when he used to pick her up after work late at night... They were young then, and their night was just beginning...

Who knew fried foods could be so sexy?

Well, in truth, it's not the fried foods but the smell connected to emotion. One whiff and he was transported back in time... A time when he couldn't wait to get a chance to feel her up under her polyester uniform and prayed for more. His drive returned with the memories (and she made a bit of extra spending cash to buy herself new trinkets which made her feel sexy too). Win-win!

So dig out that bottle of perfume or cologne you once put on for every date night ~ I don't care if those fragrances are so last year (or even so 1980's), just put them on again. (Unless these bottles themselves have turned bad, then head to the store and buy a new bottle. If they stopped making that fragrance, ask the lady at the perfume counter to help you find the latest scent which is the closest match.) Ditto on the candles ~ burn Christmas candles all year long if you were getting hot and sweaty during holiday time.

If you don't believe me ~ and Gracie can make many a man heel with just a spritz of CoCo Channel on stationary ~ then believe Dr. Alan Hirsch founder of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago. Dr. Hirsch has studied olfactory-evoked nostalgia (sometimes called the Proust Effect) and he says, "The quickest way to affect somebody's moods or behavior, quicker than with any other sensory modality, is with smell."

This is because of how smell and memory are linked ~ in fact, we must first remember a smell before identifying it. This means that not only is odor linked to experiences, that smell evokes memories, but that smell is better at this memory cue effect than the other senses. So if you want him to remember a special time, a special feeling ~ that feeling ~ think less about how you look or what you are wearing, but about what you both are smelling.

This is entirely unconscious, so you need not get your partner to agree ~ or even tell them about your sweet-smelling seduction plans!

Of course, some scent memories may have changed over time. For example, some women can no longer wear their old favorite fragrance because that smell is linked to the memory, and nausea, of morning sickness. But this too is good news ~ it's proof that your smell-memory connection can be relearned. If your partner isn't keen on smelling like fried foods every night just to get it on, start spritzing on a new perfume, lighting candles, or even get a new car fragrance tree on the rear-view if you can't wait to get home to do it ~ whatever new scent you add to the hot steamy sex will quickly become the new sexy smell memory.

If all else fails, serve him pumpkin pie while burning a lavender candle. Dr. Hirsch found the smell of pumpkin pie, when mixed with the smell of lavender, stimulated male sexual arousal more than any other aroma tested. It increased penile blood flow in test subjects by 40 per cent, 13 times more than designer perfume.

Carrie White: Seven Years of Creating Fantasies

Carrie White is based in London, but her erotic literary work has gained international respect ~ proving love and lust know no international boundaries.

She began writing professionally in the year 2000 and has been published in many web-based publications, printed erotic magazines and has also made various international T.V appearances, including Playboy's Sexcetera & Men & Motors' Fetish Seen.

That's seven years of creating fantasies... Professionally anyway. *wink* How does she do it? Let's ask her.

Carrie, coming up with story after story, fantasy after fantasy, how do you do it and not become bored or jaded? What puts the spark back in the writer?

It's easy to get bored writing the same type of stories all the time as you probably know so over the years I've been slowly changing the way I write.

When I first started as an erotic writer, I just stuck to heterosexual sex as it was so easy but then I got fed up with writing about that and wanted to liven things up a bit so I tried writing about lesbian/bisexual sex. After that, I made some attempts at writing gay sex. They all sound so easy to do but they each have their own difficulties to overcome. For example, gay sex is hard to write about if you're a woman and haven't a clue as to how men relate to one another. It takes time, practice and research to figure it out and I've got it wrong on many occasions!

I'm also attempting to write outside of my usual interests though I wouldn't go so far into those areas because I feel my stories have to turn me on to work. I've written some light spanking stories again back with heterosexual couples.

I've also wanted to write about situations and sexual liaisons outside of the conventional meetings between people, i.e. Dogging or Glory hole sex. Just to spice things up for me as well as my readers. I will not, however, write about anything that I do not find overly exciting myself e.g. fetishes like men in nappies or dressing up in animal costumes.

I have been known to add a bit of psychological horror or intrigue in with my erotic stories; not enough to class them as erotic horror but just enough to add a twist. It's also not usually strong enough for readers to say, "Gads, that does not turn me on!" I like to think it makes them think, lol, but I could be wrong!

What lessons are there here for couples?

The lessons here that I see for couples is that if erotic writers can become bored and uninspired whilst writing about sex, isn't it then likely or possible that couples may also become stale in the bedroom?

To keep churning out the same old style and type of stories as a writer is equally as bad as letting your intimate relationships get stuck in a rut. Add variety, push some boundaries. Dress up, remember how it used to be when you started to go out with your partner, remember what turned you on about them then. Talk about your fantasies, and about theirs.

Don't neglect some of the most important aspects of foreplay like kissing. Hell, don't neglect the foreplay! A lot of women are unable to climax through orgasm so 9 times out of 10 these women are left frustrated because they need oral to orgasm. If your man comes every time you have sex, why the hell shouldn't you, too?

OK, I touched on a sore point here...ahem...I'll shut up now....;)

You can find out more about author Carrie White and her writings at her website, Hentracks, and at her blog, Ink's Erotica.

No one IS Sex

A few years back I had a friend who contributed towards my growing as a sexual person. She is an amazing person. I'm going to call her Peaches because that was my special nickname for her and because no one who reads this would identify her by that name except for a few people who know her and I really well.

Anyway, Peaches is this beautiful woman who is completely secure in her sexuality. She's had a wide array of sexual experiences and isn't afraid of trying new things. When I met her she was very curvy. Some would say overweight but I prefer to say she was voluptuous. She's a lot thinner now and the funny thing is it hasn't made her sexier. She's just as sexy as she ever was. But when she was curvier, she wasn't ashamed of it. She embraced her curves. But this isn't about her curves. This is about how people perceived her and how people have perceived me.

This is about how the world perceives a woman who is confident in her sexuality.

Peaches could talk about anything sexually. She didn't reveal everything to everyone because she didn't need to but if someone asked her a question she wasn't ashamed to give an honest answer. Peaches loved men and sometimes women (and I was fortunate enough to be one of those women for a time) and could see beauty in all sorts of people. She loved to laugh and a lot of the time we were laughing about sex because let's face it, sex can be pretty damn funny sometimes. She loved to tease and play coy and loved knowing that she could arouse someone. Sex was fun. Sex could be serious with her too but that was reserved for special people.

One day someone said, "Peaches IS sex!" I don't recall whether they said it to her face or behind her back. If they said it to her face I know she would have been very upset about it. If they said it in front of me, I was very upset. To this day I don't remember which it was. Years later, someone said the same thing about me. If you're a sex worker or a writer who enjoys the topic of sex maybe someone has said that about you, too.

No one IS sex. They may enjoy talking about it, writing about it, or participating in it for fun or as a career, but NO ONE IS sex. People who love sex have lives and I think it is important for others to realize that.

Peaches also loved kitties and had a really close relationship with her family. She had an eating disorder as a teenager that was very difficult to overcome. She got hurt by people's words and sometimes she cried. She is incredibly intelligent and has a degree in Art History. She's written some fabulous papers. She struggles with depression. There are parts of her life that are great and some not so great. She's not sex.

I'm a single mom and I take my parenting role very seriously. I'm engaged to a wonderful man and we don't just fuck our brains out every night. We talk and we laugh a lot and we worry about bills and whether "the girl" (my daughter) is growing up too fast and if "the boy" (my son) is getting enough sleep. We make plans for our future and have goals that don't include when we can find time for a quickie. I am not sex.

People can love sex or work in the sex industry or both, but no one IS sex.

Toy Box

Toy Box

Book Report - Sex Toys 101 - A Playfully Uninhibited Guide
By Rachel Venning and Claire Cavanah (Founders of Toys in Babeland)

Inside Jolie's Head - 4/15/2007


More and more, sex toys (vibrators, dildos, etc) are coming out of the box and out in the open. We're talking about them more and we're using them more. Indeed, women like Rachel Venning and Claire Cavanah, the founders of Toys in Babeland - encourage us to embrace our sexuality and to experiment with toys.

We're a fun-loving, feminist sex toy store, celebrating sexual vitality and educating our community. Women and vibrators go together like kitties and catnip, yet most places that sell sex toys make women uncomfortable. At Toys in Babeland, we have created an environment where women feel welcome.

Sex Toys 101 is a workshop offered at Toys in Babeland (along with such workshops as G-Spot 101, Anal Sex 101 and Bend Him Over 101.) The book Sex Toys 101 is offered as a way to share the information to more people than those who can take the workshop.

I found Sex Toys 101 is as beautiful as a coffee table book, with lovely full color photographs and an attractive, easy layout of information.

What's inside the book?

Recipe for Delight (How to Lick Pussy) - Page 19

Feel the Burn, Baby (Make Your Orgasms Stronger) - Page 23

Meet The Vibrators - Page 44

Gearing Up For Getting Down (Dildos and Strap-Ons) - Page 60

Getting Past The Anal Taboo - Page 91

BDSM Safety Suggestions - Page 136

Do Lesbians Really Need to Have Safe Sex? - Page 165

And much, much, much more.

In Sex Toys 101, there's something for anyone - male, female, gay or straight.

Jolie du Pre is an author of lesbian erotica and erotic romance
(Music for 4/15/2007 blogging - Elliott Yamin)

Sexploration

There comes a time in every relationship where the sex just gets boring! Ok, I'm sure that there are some relationships out there where this isn't a fact, but I know that it happens often. There's a reason why 1 in 5 marriages are non-sexual (numbers varying depending on what study you're looking at). The fact of the matter is women (and sometimes men) just get tired of the old "you do this to me and I do this to you and then you sigh like that and I move on to part two..." routine. That's the point - it gets to be routine when you learn what you partner likes. And you might be giving them orgasms, but it doesn't mean it hasn't gotten boring.

Try taking a break from sex. Seriously. Just intercourse though. You're still going to have some fun. Take the amount of time that passes between your sexual encounters with you partner and double it. Now for that amount of time, vow that there will be no penetration between you (if you're a lesbian couple replace penetration with whatever is your definition of the culmination of sex). Or no orgasms. But that doesn't mean no intimacy.

For one night focus on touch. You can touch each other however you like but you can't move on to penetration. Find new erogenous zones, bring the excitement high, then back up until you are both calm. The next night, focus on your audio-erotic senses. Read each other naughty stories, listen to sensual music, or tell you partner what you would like him or her to do to you. Play little games with each other for the next while until you time is up.

When you time is up, bring every thing you have learned about your partner with you to the bedroom. Use it and play with it. This time you can culminate your passions any way you choose. Whatever you do, I'll bet it won't be boring.