High-Five Friday

1) A review of Brett Kahr's Who's Been Sleeping in Your Head?:

Inspired by the psychological insights of Sigmund Freud, the methodological rigor of Alfred Kinsey and the writings of Nancy Friday on female sexuality, Kahr launched a research project to "answer some basic questions," chief among them, "Do our fantasies represent just a bit of private fun, or do they have more profound implications for how we lead our lives?"

2) DIY Erotica at The Sydney Morning Herald.

3) The finalists for the 20th annual Lambda Literary Awards (for the best in LGBT literature) have been named ~ and yes, that includes erotica!

4) Step This Way Please, an erotic story of vibe-play by janiexx (with a few photos of Fetish Kitten too!)

5) Neighborly Hospitality, by AfroerotiK's Scottie Lowe... Yummy!

Find out how to give your High-Five Fridays here!

The purpose of this meme is to give high-fives to 5 people, posts, blogs and/or websites you've admired during the week. I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 5 high-fives on Friday. Trackbacks, pings, linky widgets, comment links accepted!

Visiting fellow High-Fivers is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your High-Fives in others comments (please note if NWS).

Find more High-Five Friday folks here!

High-Five Fridays #1

Giving High-Fives to five cool erotic written works which are free to read on the web ~ if you are old enough and in the mood to do so...

#1 Cum For Teacher, by Angela St. Lawrence

#2 The Valet of Vicksburg, by A E Franzen

#3 Your Figurine, by Isabel Blyss

#4 Mondays Suck, by Shon Richards

#5 Low-Down, Stanky, Hurry-Up Love, by Timothy N. Stelly, Sr.

Find out how to give your High-Five Fridays here!

The purpose of this meme is to give high-fives to 5 people, posts, blogs and/or websites you've admired during the week. I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 5 high-fives on Friday. Trackbacks, pings, linky widgets, comment links accepted!

Visiting fellow High-Fivers is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your High-Fives in others comments (please note if NWS).

Find more High-Five Friday folks here!

TMI For Couples?

This week's TMI Tuesday questions are from my list of conversation starters for couples as posted in my 13 Ways To Use What You Have To Build Intimacy.

Thanks Slip of a Girl for sending them in. *smile*

I've posted my replies here ~ and since these are supposed to be conversation starters, please join the conversation!

Show & Tell Adult Meme: End Of The Year Edition

Sure to be cross-posted because I blog too darn much :p

1 What was your very favorite post you made this past year?

While I seem to enjoy making things 'all about me', and did author this question, in actuality this question makes me nervous...

But I'll go with Fantasy Vs. Reality: What Is Cheating? because it's still a very valid question/conversation. Feel free to keep it going by adding your own thoughts.

2 What post was the most effective post you made this past year? (Based on links to it, comments, emails, sales etc.)

Skanky Panties & The Business of Faux Fish Juices wins, hands down (no pun intended... maybe) because of the number of emails asking for everything from who I personally knew that was ethical to how much money could they make... And oh yeah, let's not forget the number of offers for my panties. (When offers run above $250, I may just consider it!)

3 What are three of your favorite posts/articles that you've read this past year? (Not your own, but the works of others.) And do tell us all why you selected them.

I know I wrote this question, but I fear it may get me killed by kittens, Sex Kittens that is :p So I'm just going to say, yet again, that all the Sex Kittens humble and awe me for their honesty, wit, humor, intelligence and desire to share with all of us.

And, should you be looking for more to read, check out what the kittens and tom cats are posting in the forum.

4 What was the most surprising thing you learned in 2007?

That people continue to prefer to email vs. posting comments, especially when it comes to sexual topics.

5 What was the most valuable thing or lesson you learned in 2007?

That flesh will remind you of the speed at which you can work. I was very ill this year and I'm working on being kinder to my being.

6 Is there anything you wanted to learn this past year that you did not? Why not? And are you going to make this a goal for 2008?

My goal to make sex more mainstream, which is nearly a decade long Internet struggle ~ and longer in the 'real world', has not been met.

It's a very large goal and I'm beginning to see the path more clearly, even written down some of the steps I'll need to take. I'm sure I'll announce them here as I achieve them, but I won't jinx them by listing them here.

It may take another decade. And I'm committed to it.

Optional (but worth 100 extra Marketing Whore Bucks lol): For most of us, guarding our identities means not taking/publishing photos, but I double-dog dare you to take some photo of yourself, crop it to remove what you think is necessary to keep your privacy but still gives something special (and hopefully naughty) of you away ~ and publish it on your blog.





To participate, see how here. Thanks :)

13 Ways To Use What You Have To Build Intimacy

Often in relationships, we feel we're stuck in a rut or otherwise complain our love lives have lost their luster and we turn to date nights or other expensive outings when what we really should be doing is stop the distractions and focus on each other. Now the holidays have mostly passed, we tend to stay inside & this makes it an excellent time to concentrate on building intimacy in our relationships. Here are thirteen ways to use what we have to build intimacy and rekindle the passion in our relationships: 1 Spend time talking & listening to each other. Having a real conversation brings back that joy of discovery you once had. To some, this sounds too simple; but to this I say, "It's often the simplest things which are the best." To others having a conversation seems impossible. What could you possibly talk about? Avoid potentially threatening topics (you know, the ones that get you arguing) and return to the kinds of things you once talked about until the sun came up... Possibilities include: If you could live in any home on a television series, what would it be? If you had a clone, what would you make it do so you could have free time? Who was your best friend when you were 8? When you were 13? If you could travel anywhere, where would it be & why? Would you hate loosing your sight or hearing most? What's your favorite musical? Nature or nurture? What's your favorite/least favorite commercial? What magazine have you always wanted a subscription to but forget about? 2 Put on that lingerie, dress, sweater or other outfit he gave you as a gift (this year, or ages ago). Men, you too; put put on that tie, tee or whatever she gave you. Not only does this let your lover know you appreciate it, but fulfills their fantasies of seeing you in it. 3 Read ~ together. Create a book club for two by talking about a book (or 10). You need not have two copies as each of you can take turns reading in your spare time, but agree that over the weekend or on Wednesday night, you'll talk about the book together. 4 Read ~ out loud. Be it a poem, a dirty story, or something from the newspaper funnies, read out loud to your lover what you love or what you think your partner will enjoy. (Women love to be read aloud to; and men may find this more fun than they thought if the subject matter is selected properly ~ or improperly! *wink*) 5 Cook a meal together. Open the cookbook, and make a new dish together. (OK, this may require a visit to the grocery store; but you'll have to get food at some point anyway...) 6 Turn off that TV and play a game. 7 If you must watch TV or a movie, remember to reach for & hold your partner's hand. 8 Write holiday 'thank you' cards together. Not only are you spending time together, but being grateful for your family & friends reminds you of the life you've built together. Your family & friends sure will appreciate it too. 9 Pamper your partner. Give her a pedicure; him a massage. Hand him the remote & sit topless at his feet. (And vice-versa are options too!) Do it 'just because', without any expectations, and with a smile. 10 Write love notes and place them where your partner is sure to find them. Don't just say, "I love you," tell them why you love them. 11 Write playful love notes & leave a trail of them, like a scavenger hunt. Start with one note where your partner is sure to find it ~ have part of it be a riddle or clue to where the next note is. When they follow all the clues and find all the notes, give them a reward. The reward can be as simple as a foot rub, as sexy as a oral sex, or as silly as a pudding cup; the point is to have fun! 12 Dress up, but stay home. Ladies, put on that fancy dress, those high heels, your makeup & special occasion perfume. Men, put on that shirt and tie and your cologne too. Light the candles, enjoy cocktails and dance together. Primping for one another makes both you both feel special ~ and sexy. 13 Do the Sunday crossword puzzle together in bed or at the breakfast table together. Alternately, if crosswords aren't your thing, get a bowl of strawberries (maybe some Cool Whip, just in case *wink*) and pour over a few magazines together and mock celebrities or ads. So go ahead, give these a try ~ maybe you'll skip cabin fever and want to stay home with each other all the time! *wink*

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Forget The Hearts & Flowers

Sometimes women just want it. As this short story, Over The Sink by Angela St. Lawrence, illustrates. Here's a snippet:

"Don't kiss me on the neck."

"Why? I thought you liked it."

"I do. Just not right now. I just want fucked. Just stick it in."

"Okay, but don't bitch at me later."

"Christ, shut the hell up and stick in it."

And then he is pushing her over the kitchen sink, sliding her skirt up over her generous, round ass. Surprised to see she is not wearing panties, he thinks better of saying anything; she obviously isn't in the mood to listen.

Erotic Fantasies: To Share Or Not To Share (Part One)

The matter of when ~ and if so, how ~ to share erotic fantasies often comes up. Since Secondhand Rose had recently shared her 'shameful perversion' and had mentioned the difficulty in sharing this with lovers, I asked her to address the issue. Here's what she said.

First of all, let me firmly state that as a writer and a phone sex operator who deals in delivering fantasies -- and as a woman who has gone about trying to live them -- there are times when fantasies should remain untried.

This does not mean you shouldn't share them with your partner. Discussing sexual fantasies is not only fun, but it certainly is a part of feeling understood and accepted by your partner. However, just because a lover accepts your fantasies it doesn't mean acting them out is a good idea. On the contrary, sometimes it's a horrible idea.

Sometimes it's a horrible idea if the fantasy's not been particularly well thought-out. It could be you don't realize where that fantasy comes from, where it might take you...

Maybe swapping & sharing partners seems like a thrill, but what about jealousy? Real or imagined, jealousy can be a huge relationship problem, lasting longer than the few minutes of hot action. On the flip side, what if your partner flips for a new partner? Those considering such fantasies need to consider all the possible relationship pratfalls and pitfalls before getting others involved. (For those interested, I highly recommend reading Polyamorously Perverse.)

The trick to avoiding problems is to think about the fantasy, asking yourself, "Just what is this really about?" Why it thrills, what the arousal is from, knowing these things makes it easier to even consider acting them out. Discussing it with a partner might be the best way to see the light of dark fantasies; they'll often point out what they see going on (just don't shoot them for being the messenger!). So think and discuss away, and see if the fantasy still stays.

Forcing yourself to think about fantasies, stripping them of their glamour and appeal to look at the worst-case-scenarios, is the best way to avoid perversion purgatory. And, if you think your fantasies can't survive such scrutiny, then I suggest they are too fragile to stand the real life action too.

It's hard to turn a heavenly erotic fantasy into earthly carnal delights if you've not examined it every-which-way -- not just for the possible consequences, but for it's specificness.

Fantasies have a poor chance of becoming reality if they are not based in reality, and sometimes we've created such specific scenes in our heads that they just can't become reality. As my dear friend, Angela, wrote:

Here is what I did find for myself: I have some very specific taboo fantasies, which have nothing to do with my reality and who I am. But, I did share them with one lover. He tried to act the fantasies out with me. And as good as he was in bed, the fantasy didn't work. God Bless him, he tried.

Sooo....I've come to the conclusion that my fantasy is mine alone. It's so much better in my head than in a real bed.

This can (and will) happen when you've been fantasising about something so specific (and often for quite some time) that no reality can match it. No matter how willing, a partner cannot anticipate your needs as precisely as your imagination can. It's not their fault; there's really no way for a living person to be able to do & say just as you want, when you want, especially when they're up against a script you've perfected in your head for years.

There are some fantasies, no matter what you do or who you do them with, which will ever fade against the vivid images & sensations in your mind.

My last warning about making sex fantasies real has to do with another simple reality of fantasies: they can be selfish.

While fetish and BDSM fantasies are often too specific, making them troublesome to bring to life, the fantasies are often so 'all about you' that the other person is not more than a prop. Often it's about what you feel, not about anything -- anyone -- else. Take the desire to be spanked where the person spanking you is about as just the person wielding the leather paddle, not a person whose arousal matters. As necessary as the paddle, maybe; but about as cared for. When fantasies are so one-sided, so completely about you, it's not fair to ask a lover to play along.

This is often why kink that falls under the BDSM or fetish banners is so powerful as erotic entertainment, and why it's prolific at story sites and good business with PSOs. It's not that these fantasies, or any fantasy, cannot be shared but it's that they are less able to survive in the real world where the fantasy of one must meet the satisfaction of two.

Fantasies like these are often best saved for solo-entertainment, or shared as an aphrodisiac to get lovers in the mood, but not be the sex acts themselves.

Angela recently discussed the differences between fantasies delivered by Professional Dominatrixes and real-world domination. It was a conversation started by Bitchy Jones, and you really should read it, but here's something wise Angela said:

Not all men want to actually BE DOMINATED FOR REAL, thank you very much. They want their impossible fantasy, just for a little bit. They are self-aware enough, and perhaps even self-protective enough, to occasionally get their dirty little itch scratched (via a phone dom or a pro dom), and then get back to the business of their everyday lives. I actually understand wanting a fantasy and not a reality. Because what I get off on by myself and what I get off with a partner are two very different things.

It's a good thing to know if and when there is a difference.

In any of these cases, you can keep the fantasy alive best via a written or a spoken story, or by talking about it with a partner; but it might be best to leave it at that and not ask a partner to participate in it.

However, if you are clear on your fantasies and still believe they are safe to move to reality, then stick around because next time I'll discuss how to share them -- and get them happily fulfilled.

© Secondhand Rose, a writer turned phone companion and conversationalist, who can be found at her blog, Secondhand Rose.

Five For Friday

Five juicy erotic excerpts, with five great lessons for improving your love life.

From Threesome, by The Provocateur:

The way we touch, is foreplay. From across a table or in the car. The way we giggle, is foreplay. Our words, no matter how stern, are always laced within the dance of foreplay.

This reminds us that no matter what, the emotional life of sexual play isn't reserved for sexual contact. (Even if it's only two of you. *wink*)

From Grateful as Panties, by Jeremy Edwards:

"I'm as grateful as your cotton panties," he said one morning, out of the blue.

..."Your cotton panties cling to you in a special way, don't they," he continued. "They hug you, they hold you, they seem to caress you. They love you, Janice." His finger found her ass crack.

A reminder to say thanks for all those little everyday things.

From The Seven Curses of Hannah (Part Seven), by Shon Richards:

“Adam isn’t so bad,” Hannah thought. It was Saturday morning, and Adam had made breakfast. He made his very complicated bacon omelets. The table was laid out for two, and he made a big deal out of pretending to be her waiter. It reminded Hannah so much of how he used to act when they were dating.

A reminder that little things do, in fact, mean a lot. If your relationship is feeling anything less than its original rush, think about the things you used to do for your partner... How long has it been since you've done them? Whipping her up an omelet like you used to do may whip up your sex life.

From Marks, by Sommer Marsden:

The first time David bit me, I wasn’t expecting it. I was also shocked by how quickly I came. The shock was instant, the orgasm a close second. Hard. Intense. Like nothing I had ever experienced before. I was hooked.

Proof that asking isn't always the best idea. Passion isn't planned, so asking her if she wants to be bit, spanked or just plain old kissed ruins the mood. Sometimes surprise is our best erotic ally.

And lastly, if all else fails and all you've got is some pent up anger and resentment, use it. As Kis Lee tells us in The Grudge Fuck:

No kissing; no teasing. I pulled him towards the couch and tripped him. He fell flat on his back. I swore at him and told him how pissed off I was. I called him nonsensical insults and made up curse words. I covered his face with sloppy kisses, leaving red trails across his nose and chin. When he reached for his belt, I stopped him. This isn't your grudge fuck; it's mine. You don't get to call the shots.

Somethings you just have to ride out. *wink*

Historical Themed Fiction by R V Raiment

An excerpt from an historical work, Chasse au Lapins (Rabbit Hunt), set at the time of the French Revolution, by R V Raiment:

Madeleine, auburn-haired, already stands naked save for her hat. Cool air caresses her skin, raises goose-bumps, a thrill of eagerness aches in her loins. Precious small swellings, tinglings and murmurs of moistness flutter in her breeze-kissed valley between her warm pink thighs.

A shout: "Allons!" and laughing, giggling, twenty naked 'bunnies' race the central path and enter the vast enclosed garden. The maze its entrance, the garden comprises gently undulating greens criss-crossed with miniature dells and valleys and dotted with hollows, close-planted coppices, shrubberies and rocky outcrops.

Children might delight in the thousand hiding places and the myriad avenues of escape from each, but children do not play here. There are too many things here which maman et papa might not wish to explain - the statues, in particular. Of men and women, singly or in small groups, and carved with poignant intimacy of detail, these have few echoes in antiquity. Here a naked maiden bends, undressing, every nuance of her alabaster buttock-cleft and vulva etched in the engraving, a patina on each from much caressing. Here reposes soixante-neuf in stone, here stands naked Mercury, cock in a goddess's mouth, and, in an arbour, a miniature temple to Bacchanalian gods.

Find out more about the author and why he writes historical erotica in this interview ~ and discover more goodies from R V Raiment at the author's website, www.vraimenterotique.com.

Fantasy Vs. Reality: What Is Cheating?

(Cross-post at BlogHer)

This week's TMI Tuesday was an interesting one. The first task was to define "infidelity" as it relates to a relationship, and I stated that the definition really is a unique agreement between parties and that too often this isn't actually discussed but is an unspoken set of assumptions ~ and that's where misunderstandings and heartbreak reside.

As a sex worker I've pondered infidelity and cheating often. I've knowingly participated in 'his affair', and for that I'm often hated; but I know that I'm not responsible for the decisions of another. "Isn't it unethical to come between another couple's relationship?" I'm asked. "I can only make my own responsible decisions," is my reply, "I do not have the power to consent for anyone else."

Of course, making responsible decisions for myself involves being honest and clear with myself so that I can do the same with my partner(s). Would that we'd all be so aware.

Sex workers are often quizzed on their own relationships. "Isn't your work cheating on your partner?" I've been asked. I never saw it that way. It's work. However, personally, once I began a committed relationship, it was often difficult for me to work. My gigs, as such, were not just screwing episodes. I put more of myself into those appointments than just my body parts. I won't say I was in love with clients, but I sure didn't hate them. I loved in an 'all of humanity' way and so it was intimate work for my soul. This was more difficult when I was personally attached, or becoming so, with another. At those times I quit. That was my choice. Other sex pros I know were more capable of separating personal from professional than I, and they carried on with work and relationship quite comfortably.

But is it cheating? Well, not if I'm honest with my partner(s) and they agree.

I've discussed with partners, past and current, about how they'd feel with my continuing to work and being with them. Most had no problems ~ perhaps because it was 'in theory'. I cannot say for certain. It also takes a rather open man to both have no insecurities and be free of moral judgments, so perhaps they are just that special. Most understood the distinctions between fantasy and reality. Paid escort work is fantasy; dating me is reality. They aren't the same experience. (And heaven knows several of my exes wish they could pay me so that I'd be the girl they wanted!)

But other people are not so clear in their understanding.

Another sex worker, Secondhand Rose, recently had a conversation about her phone sex work. And it's clear that her husband's friend, Mike, doesn't trust her work, to which Rose responds:

Mike, I guess you need to see the difference between action and words, between fantasy and reality. That's what entertainment is. Phone sex is about sex, yes, but it's entertainment. When you watch Die Hard, you aren't really blowing shit up -- you're just pretending. You're entertained. Just one of the many reasons why phone work is legal and prostitution isn't.

When he is not convinced, Rose's husband speaks up:

Mike: And that doesn't bother you, Rob? To know some other guy's getting off to -- or even with -- your wife?!

Rob: So what if she does? I'm not the freakin' masturbation police, or her keeper. I know for a fact she gets off writing her stories, so what's the difference if she's creating them on the phone? When she writes humor pieces I hear her giggling at her own wit at the computer -- the only danger here is that Rose will fall even more in love with herself, making her harder to live with, and her large head means we will have to buy expensive custom hats.

I've often advised erotica as an outlet for those people in relationships where a fantasy or a fetish is not going to be shared in the relationship, and I certainly include calling a PSO in that category. But then I'm a sex worker, so I 'would', says my friend, Kim.

She was aghast that I'd even think such a thing. Here's how our conversation went...

"Rick paying for phone sex would be cheating!"

"Why? It's no different than reading an erotic story from a book or listening to recorded erotica ~ other than this is less passive, it's interactive."

"That's the problem ~ he'd be getting off with her, not just the story."

"He'd be getting off to a story, a fantasy, she's creating for him. It's not 'her' as a person."

"She is a person, and she's talking sex with my husband!"

"Yes, but she's not 'herself'; she's a fantasy."

"But he's telling her private, intimate things..."

"Yes, but things you've made it clear he shouldn't share with you. It's about the fantasy, not her."

"But what if he likes that she can go there and so starts to fall for her...?"

"If he should do that then he's just as likely to fall for some chick in a magazine or on TV. He's not living here but in fantasy land. It can happen ~ it does happen ~ but as a pro, she'll set him back right. She'll tell him where the lines are, and if he can't grasp that, she'll not accept his calls."

"How can you be so sure?"

"A female sex worker is still a woman. She doesn't want to be some fantasy woman adored for the illusion, she too wants to be adored for herself. She's not going to accept a relationship where it's clearly based on the fantasy, a fantasy world, not reality. That's why I say a pro is better than some chat room or a 'free' call ~ she's a pro, not someone desperate for or playing at a relationship. The pro will play, be entertainment; but she's not going to be satisfied with playing pretend for the rest of her life."

"What if she is?"

"Then she's as unstable as the guy and they're both in trouble. Does that sound like Rick?"

She said, "No," but she's still not convinced that Rick calling a PSO would be the same as his masturbating to photos online, to a porno, or to a story in a book...

What do you say? Is calling a phone sex operator cheating? Or is it the same as any other sex fantasy read in a book or in photos?

Author Richard V Raiment, Interview & Excerpt

Tell us a bit about yourself...

I write under the pen name R V Raiment, the initials R V R being (in my view) nicely balanced and more importantly the V Raiment making the French 'vraiment' as 'truly' or 'truthfully'. Unable to sustain myself by writing alone I work in a high school in the UK, supporting youngsters with autism. I live and work in the outskirts of London, a city I love and regularly visit.

My own marriage is ostensibly an open marriage in which both I and my partner are free to engage responsibly in physical and emotional relationships with others, though in practice we have found that life leaves little time or opportunity for such encounters and - more importantly - having the freedom actually makes us less inclined to exercise it.

What are your most common story themes?

This is a difficult question to answer as I have tried to write from a broad and varied perspective. I have tried to read outside my immediate comfort zone - which began as a sort of Alex Comfort Zone - and challenged myself to try to write good stories on themes suggested by that reading.

Much of what I write is set in the past, especially in the years and centuries up to around 1800 before women began wearing drawers :-) and I suppose it is mainly hetero since that reflects my own preoccupations. "Jessamie", my 2003 prizewinner at Satinslippers.com was written around toys and the relationship between two hetero sisters. "Ghosts of Christmas Past", published in Cream, The Best of the Erotica Readers and Writers Association is a hetero tale of sex, infidelity and regret. "Third Person Singular", in Maxim Jakubowski's Mammoth Book of Best New Erotica, volume 5 can only loosely be described as BDSM, I think, with gay male, lesbian and other threads woven into it.

My recent novel, Aphrodite Overboard, the Erotic Memoirs of a Victorian Lady, is a period piece, actually set around the time of the French Revolution and the Napoleonic Wars though the heroine lives on into Victoria's age. (The 'Victorian' reference was at the request of the marketers :-) In it the heterosexual castaway Lady Susanna is (happily) compelled to play a part which involves her extensively in both hetero and same sex encounters. That, too, is a fairly common thread in most of my stories, since they are written from a perspective which sees any form of sexual interaction between consenting and empowered adults as normal and legitimate.

Which of these words best describes your stories:

Intimate - Yes

Romantic - Yes

Hardcore - No, though explicit. Rarely if ever 'icky' :-)

Humorous - Not as part of a humorous 'genre', but I have a sense of humour which shows, especially in my longer work.

Adventurous - Yes

Fictional (more fantasy or fantastic than 'real life situations') - Real life, I think, in general, but not often 'everyday' life.

Erotic - I love the human body and soul, especially that of 'woman', the heaven's gate through which life is first found and afterward delivered, beautiful beyond description whether young or old. I write predominantly for women, their opening a story of mine implying a tacit consent and an inviolable contract of trust through which I may lovingly and gently caress them. I have never known a deeper pleasure than to receive words from a reader telling me; "I finished your book last night and went to sleep with a smile on my face".

Here's a snippet of "Ghosts of Christmas Past", copyright Richard V Raiment, which was featured in the anthology Cream: The Best of the Erotica Readers and Writers Association and is at ERWA's Treasure Chest:

Looking at the body warm in bed beside me I remember all I have known with my lovely Jodie and I stir, blood flooding warmly where it matters, soft-inflating. I've always woken Jodie the same way, since the first delightful morning of discovery when I found her asleep on her back, one leg diagonally outstretched, one knee drawn up, the lovely sweetness of her sex smiling pinkly open, inviting and sleepy warm.

Not this time, though. This morning is different. The body beside me in a bed still warm and musky with the scents of our sleep and Christmas Eve fucking lies with its legs still softly together, and the difference is poignant, bitterly emblematic of the change between us. Only she drank as much, perhaps, as I did, last night, and I can coax her gently apart without her even knowing.

You can find out more about Richard V Raiment at his website, www.vraimenterotique.com, and in Open Marriage, Lipstick, and Low Necklines: R V Vrainment Discusses The Meaning Of Monogamy.

Author Kis Lee Dishes On Dirty Stories

Many folks think erotica is just another word for 'dirty stories' and therefore miss out on other erotic possibilities in their relationships... So I asked author Kis Lee to describe what things she believes are essential to an erotic story, what makes it 'erotic' rather than just 'dirty,' and what those things mean as far as possibilities in your sex life.

For a while, the headline for my Myspace profile said: "I write dirty words for a living." It wasn't meant to be cheeky. I just like using the word "dirty." (My current headline simply says "smutty.") I see an overlap between "erotic" and "dirty." I don't see anything wrong with writing dirty stories. In my own writing, I don't think about the distinction between the two.

I like calling myself a "smut writer" because I write both porn and erotica. Sometimes I write a story that is pure stroke fiction: about two people hooking up and getting off. I like to think of these kinds of stories as masturbatory fiction. I want the reader to get turned on. Other times I write a story that is more about the characters than about sex. I want to explain why the particular characters get together. I want to explore why there is (or there isn't) sexual chemistry between the main characters. Those stories are more "erotic" in my mind. I'm really fascinated by the how's and why's of human relationships.

In my writing, I try to create a sense of reality infused with fantasy. Or perhaps it's fantasy infused with reality? In any case I want the reader to think that the story could take place in real life. I often write about moves and techniques that have worked for me. Sometimes I even take snippets of real life conversations. However if the story is too close to real life, it can be boring. That's why a lot of my stories involve my own unfulfilled fantasies. Despite being a smut writer, I haven't tried everything I've wanted to experience. Not even close. I use my writing as an avenue of exploring my hidden and not-so-hidden desires. I figure that if I get turned on, then some readers might feel the same way.

Fantasies play a big role in my sex life. I'm really open with my current partner, and he is open-minded as well. We talk about sex quite often, and we've discussed our fantasies. Even the act of discussing fantasies adds excitement to our sex life. We know that we're not going to fulfill every single fantasy, but it is fun to talk about the possibilities. Every time we share a fantasy, we learn more about the other person. We both look pretty tame, but we both have kinky sides. It keeps life exciting.

My partner recently asked me if he inspires my writing. He definitely does. Sometimes I use our experiences as material for fiction. (He knows this and I have his blessing.) Other times I rely on my imagination as the source. With unfulfilled fantasies, I have to pretend that I've experienced the same thing. For example, I wrote a story called "Bus Ride" and it involves bondage and public sex. I've experienced bondage before, but I've never had sex in public. I've never even had sex in the car before. For that story, the story began with the characters and the words just flowed from there. I hope that my readers wonder whether the story is based on fact. I like to keep people guessing.

Here's an excerpt from "Bus Ride":

"Don't be shy, love. Tell me why you need a collar."

"It's for a party," I said. "My friend is getting married, and we're going out clubbing afterwards."

"I see." He ran his hand over my thigh, his fingertips hovering in the air, never touching the soft fabric. He had large hands with long fingers. Whenever I saw a man with long fingers, I wondered if he knew how to play the piano.

He moved his hand from my thigh to my forearm. He lightly brushed my bare arm with his fingertips. His slight touch went from the inside of my wrist to my elbow and up towards my bicep. He stroked my skin slowly like he was remembering my texture. I watched his gaze slide over my breasts, my stomach, and lower.

I jumped when the bus rolled into motion. I didn't even hear the driver announce our departure. Shifting in my seat, I noticed that all the passengers congregated around the front and middle. A few middle-aged ladies discussed which casino had the best buffet.

"No one can see us," Dave whispered.

Kis Lee is a recovering lawyer turned freelance smut writer. Her story, Bus Ride, will be published in E Is for Exotic, part of the Erotic Alphabet Series by Cleis, due out later this month.

You can (try) to keep up with Kis at her erotica blog, her adult blog for women, and her website.

Talking Witches & Vampires With Paranormal Romance Author Ravyn Reccio

Why choose vampires and witches as characters? What about them is so compelling for you personally?

Back in 1979 I went with my best friend to see Dracula with Frank Langella, since then I have always been pulled by the power they hold -- be it in a movie or in a story. I started writing about vampires shortly after that.

The witches came last year when I started role playing. I was amazed about how men perceive witches to be dominating and very sensual so I took the idea and ran with it. That's how my witch came to life in Serpentine Majick. The same thing happened with Micah in Vampyric Dreams; I saw it unfolding in my head and I gave it life.

What makes paranormal romance so popular?

With me it's all about how the stories make me feel. The electricity around the plot and just how far the author is willing to go with the characters. The bumps in the night, the touch that makes your skin crawl or that mysterious kiss on the back of your neck... When you know you are alone.

It's all about the sweet seduction that is played out in our own mind.

As an author of witch and vampire stories, how do you go about creating real intimate & romantic moments ~ ones that humans react to and are moved by?

Vampires by nature are very sensual to begin with. In every vampire movie ever made the raw passion of the film has always left me wondering how they did it so it could be enjoyed and not seen as a taboo. Desire between humans and vampires has always been there. It's all about getting inside your own head and becoming that character you are writing about.

You can find out more about the author at her website, ravynreccio.co.nr and at her blog.

Intimacy

Intimacy isn't always sex; nor should it be.

The artist of this work, titled Physical Connection, is enchantedone. She writes of this work:

My idea was for a physical connection between male and female. Not something extremely sexual, but something deffinitly with some tension and sweetness.

Sometimes, this is the best way to establish, or reestablish, a connection.

Journal, You Blushing Ladies (And Gents) Meme

You've had a great day and are in the mood; your partner isn't...

Can you get them in the mood?

If so, how?

If not, do you take matters into your own hands? And what props (toys, books, movies) do you use?

If you don't masturbate, what do you do with all that sexual energy?

Whether or not you've pleasure yourself, do you resent, 'keep score' or otherwise negatively note that your partner wouldn't please you?


If you're participating in this at your blog, please use "Blushing Ladies Journal" as a tag. And leave a link to your post in the widget so that others may find them!

Or feel free to post as a comment.

Adult Meme: Q & A

Playing along with this meme...

What's one question you've been expecting to be asked at your blog which has never been asked?

Quite honestly, there's quite a few questions I've been anticipating... Off the top of my head, I'd say I've been expecting to hear, "What's a sure-fire way to get a woman in the mood?"

Why?

Because it's a very common question. *wink*

Answer it.

If you want to please her, go the oral route ~ and read to her!

Put your mouth to good use, for as Woodrow Wyatt once said, "A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears."

It's not just Wyatt and I who say so either; science is backing us up. (See Canli and Gabrieli (2004) and Hamann et al (2004).)

So, read her poems, a story, or a chapter each night before bed. They can be as romantic or as dirty as she likes, but it's a certainty that she'll literally melt before you, with a puddle in her panties to prove it!

What's one question you've wanted to ask your readers, but never have?

Well, it's a question I've long just wanted to ask the world... Since women are so into auditory arousal, why aren't more women calling PSOs (phone sex operators)?

And don't cop-out and say that women don't need to pay for sex. We're talking about having a pro say everything you want to hear... How hot is that?!

Why not?

Just waiting for the right time to act on the impulse, I guess. *wink*

Now what are your thoughts on the matter?

What's Your Seduction Style (Quiz)

The Games Couples Play

When it comes to building intimacy, or rebuilding it, there's not much better than playing games ~ I don't mean mind games, but games with rules ~ card games and board games.

Movies, watching television, going out to events and bars offer little in the way of interaction, and even restaurants can make conversation difficult. But games? Games were designed to get people interacting and talking!

The games need not be adult or even for couples. A good old fashioned, clean, game of Monopoly can be just the thing to help you reconnect. Why? Because games were created to get people interacting.

Games, with their rules, turn-taking and structure, help get the ball rolling. Couples who find themselves with nothing to say, couples who are just getting to know each other, complete strangers or married couples who feel as if they are strangers, can all find themselves actively participating and talking. That's what games were designed to do!

Even angry couples can use games to break those stony silences. Rather than sitting side by side with nothing nice to say (and so remaining silent), rather than wondering what to say that won't lead back to that same old fight, let the game be your focus. Games were invented to be ice breakers, so let them break that icy silence! Following the game instructions sets your topic, playing the game sets your tone ~ to fun!

Feeling disconnected from your spouse? Why not turn off that TV, break out one of those games sitting in the back of the closet and spend time with one another. You never know where it will lead...

Your game need not be for lovers to turn you into lovers. Some of my personal favorites are Sequence and Uno.

Feeling silly? I have a vintage version of the home version of The Newlywed Game that I got at a rummage sale and answering the corny old 1960's questions always has us rolling. And, to be honest, learning a few (admittedly odd) things about each other. (It's also a great game to play with other couples, so I am always looking for different old versions of those retro games to add to my collection. Now you know ~ one of ~ my shameful dirty secrets.)

Feeling more... playful? Uncork that bottle of wine, light some candles and get out a romantic, erotic game.

Looking for ideas? Here are a few naughty game reviews:

Of A Hot Affair quoth Kat, "What is amazing is that there are so many ways to play this game... with 3 different levels, you can personalize the game according to how you are both feeling."

For you kinky folks, there's the Fetish Board Game. "Having explored plenty of kinks before I was surprised at how well the cards covered bondage and voyeurism, in particular. Although the cards are geared to the initiate, I think old hands will find themselves more than entertained by the cards' instructions as well."

With Lesbian Sex! Game, "Kheper Games, Inc. has come up with a wonderful way to get to know your lover and have some fun in the process. I've been with someone who couldn't talk openly about what they wanted, at least in the beginning. How wonderful this deck would have been!" (There's also a hetero version of Sex! too.)

And Roll 'Em Show 'Em is a fun time exploiting sex, money and drinking ~ and good for groups, you swingers you!

So next 'date night', why not order a new game and plan a special night at home enjoying your time together.

Journal, You Blushing Ladies (And Gents)

When's the last time you flirted with a stranger?

Did they blush? Did you?

How did you feel?

Did you do anything about it ~ masturbation, taking that heat to your partner counts!

Post your answers as comments ~ or make your own blog post and link to this post.

Yes, please post your blog entry URL in the comments area so we can find your answers! (Use "Blushing Ladies Journal" as your tag too.)

Zane Interview

From She's famous but anonymous: the enigma of erotic author Zane:

Zane's take on sex is hardly revolutionary: it should be safe and pleasurable, and communication is the key to stronger, more satisfying relationships. But her straightforward, conversational prose resonates in the black community, Mackey said.

"It's not openly discussed in most of our homes," Mackey said. "I had to learn from books or friends and big sisters. To have an author come out and broach this, even in fiction, is a breakthrough for us."

Zane's readers agree. Her work "goes right to the heart of modern sexuality," said Harold Fisher, a former Baltimore TV news anchor and one of a few men who joined dozens of women fans at a local book signing. "We all have sex. We just need to relax about it."

Also from the interview:

"Whereas most people don't have an issue with what I do, there are those who are self-righteous and do have an issue," Zane says. "So it's just not fair for other people who have absolutely nothing to do with it to be affected by that, because they didn't make this choice. I did."

Zane says she has a good relationship with her parents, but she didn't tell her mother about her writing career until she had three titles on the Essence bestseller list. It took her father a while to warm up to the idea of his daughter writing erotica, but he when he read "Nervous" - about a meek woman who channels her sexual aggressiveness into an alternate personality - "he thought it was brilliant," she says.

Two nifty things I learned:

I had no idea Zane was a chemist!

Zane started Strebor Books, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, in 1999.

Erotica the Power Play Way

Awhile ago I wrote some tips on How To Use Erotica. Once section, Erotica the Power Play Way, got quite a number of emails...

* Master Says
Read to your partner and see how long she can go without touching herself ~ in any way. She is not allowed to rub her legs together, tweak her own nipples, or even use her own mouth (lick lips, bite lower lip etc) without your permission. In order to do so, she must ask "Master, may I?" and you can decide if and when she may have the release she seeks.

* I've Been A Bad Boy, Mother Goose
I enjoy dressing as a stern nanny or Dominatrix for my part, and have him undress for his role as the naughty boy. Then I tell him the rules: "You will listen to the story, and you will not touch yourself. Not one little bit, or you will get a spanking. If you understand, say 'Yes, Mistress'." Once he agrees, I begin to read. Obviously, you will have to follow through each and every time he does touch himself and if he's the sort who adores erotic spankings he is going to try to wanker-off at every word, so you may need to provide additional rules or consequences. Perhaps you'll need to up the ante to nipple twists? Maybe you'll need to tell the bad boy that storytime will end with his going to bed alone if he continues to interrupt... Or maybe he'll need to drop and give you 20 ~ pussy licks, that is! Be flexible in his likes and in his ability to last, and you and your naughty boy will make Mother Goose as much a part of your regular bedtime activities as brushing your teeth.

* Enchanted Erotic Recipe
Leave the book on your partner's pillow with the selected story clearly marked. On top of the book place your handwritten note with instructions: "Read this story, and be prepared for tonight..." If the story is one that you'd like to act out and it requires props of some sort (special outfits, toys, food items, etc), clearly state in your note that she is required to provide such ingredients. Women love, Love, LOVE anticipation. Making her wait for hours (or days if you tell her on Wednesday to prepare for Saturday!) will put her under an enchanted erotic spell.

Most of the emails were from folks who were aroused by the ideas but felt their partner wasn't quite ready to do this yet. How, they wondered, do you get your partner to move past reading and acting on those naughty impulses?

Here are a few beginner steps:

* Shy Try
For partners who are a bit worried about trying something new, this is a great warm-up to 'bigger and better' sex play scenes. One of you selects three stories based on fantasies you've discussed but haven't had the guts to try yet. Take the titles of each one, put them in a 'hat' and have the other draw one that you'll both try that night.

The catch is, that the one of you must be tied up and blindfolded as they listen to the other read the story. This not only removes some of the embarrassment (or discomfort of 'new') and prevents them from quitting/leaving, but the arousal of listening as their partner strokes and touches them transfers the anxiety into arousal... The reader has the power to stop reading and give-in to lusty needs at any time ~ at their own discretion, of course!

* Hands-On
Similar to the 'Shy Guy,' only instead of binding & blindfolding your partner, you tape yourself reading a story (or buy an audio recording to play). As the story is read, massage your partner. Again the combination of touch and listening acts as emotional lube, releasing inhibitions.

The power play comes in when the one massaging feels their partner is putty in their hands and will now try out the story line or act. (It's perfectly fine to make them wait, make them plead!)

* Half-And-Half
Tell your partner that you'll read the start of the story, preferably one that he doesn't know, and then stop reading and have him tell you how he'd finish the story ~ if he pleases you with the story's ending, you'll allow him to act it out.

In any of these scenarios, if your partner is aroused but still not ready to give it a real try, that's OK. So maybe the first few times you still have sex without the 'real' or 'heavy' power play ~ you are both still working on the fantasies. Sometimes it takes a few steps like this for them to feel comfortable enough to really let go.

Don't force it, or get upset. A lusty roll is positive reinforcement, and your patience & understanding will go a long way to reassure them the next time. Then you can take the teasing further into power play ~ and get your way!

Now it's your turn... What ways do you have to turn reading erotica into a fun sexual power play?

The Push and The Pull, Erotica by Georgina Ragazza

Sex writers aren't supposed to have hang-ups, Lila thought...

What's a girl to do, when her lover's horny -- but she can't quite bring herself to bridge a personal taboo?

Author Georgina Ragazza wrote this sexy story of acceptance and when she submitted it to Tit-Elation she said, "I wanted to write an erotic yet tender story about menstruation, because it's a subject which tends to get overlooked!"

Here's the story, The Push and The Pull, in full:

Lila looked over her laptop at Michael's computer screen on the other side of the room.

A pert Goth girl gazed up through candy-pink bangs and thrust her breasts out. She was ordinary and real, a proper person with a bit of a tummy and a nice smile. A shaved snatch glistened between splayed legs.

"Come and play with me!" read the banner.

Lila caught Michael's blush as he switched back to his Word document.

"You don't have to do that on my account," she said. But she had that cold feeling in the bottom of her stomach and thought of snakes in pits. She watched him force an embarrassed smile.

Lila looked at her own laptop screen full of vintage nudes and minimized the story she'd been writing about Victorians and their obsession with spanking. She was such a hypocrite - why did she feel this way? She researched passion and beauty, and then wrote about it. Some of the dirtiest words came out of her head; her stories were full of wildness and strange fantasies.

She couldn't explain the snakes crawling in her belly and the way the dark pain gripped her insides.

Michael walked over to hug her from behind and she shivered at his touch. His skin smelt like sun and oranges and she wanted to drink him in. She ran her fingers over his arms and traced the taut muscles. She knew that he loved her. She knew there was no one else.

They had met online a year ago, and for that first month Michael had been words on a screen, a message here and there. Longer conversations led to photographs and Lila was hooked. The first time they had phone sex she cried afterwards, by herself in the dark.

When she saw his face for real, her heart came undone. He hugged her so close on the station platform that she almost fainted. A proper swoon. Apart from one lonely weekend, they were inseparable from then on.

She was in her ripe 40s and he was a good generation younger, full of the fire that men seem to lose as the years grind them down. He told her he was in love with her passionate wisdom, and she adored his endless spirit.

Every day he said, "I love you." When she was working, he cuddled her and made her cups of tea. At night he smiled and kissed her and wrapped his arms around her. He couldn't sleep unless she was in the bed with him.

He was everything and he was hers.

Lila had never known a man as tender as Michael. His kisses were slow and tentative; his fingers touched her skin with care, as if he were exploring a new terrain. The first time he inched his cock inside her, she saw his eyes widen.

"We're a perfect fit," he gasped. He rocked, slid against the ache of her sex, whilst his fingers traced her face. She heard the click of boxes unlocking in her soul, and felt the joy and the secrets and the need tumble out.

When he came, he held her close.

"Before you it was just sex," he whispered. "You're the only woman I've ever made love to, the only woman I've ever wanted to make love to."

We lost our virginity together, he said. Souls only fuse once, and now we belong to each other.


The trouble had started the first time she got her period. They couldn't make love for the first time in their romance, couldn't melt together. She made a face when he suggested it.

"I'm cool with it," he said. "I want you and your blood is part of you, part of me, part of us."

She caressed him, and tried to take him in her mouth.

"That's not making love," he said. "That's just fucking. I don't want to go back to the days of fumbling and groping and half-arsed dating. I want to be inside you."

****


She'd fucked a friend of her brother years ago, some Indie kid who'd supplied her with dope and had the hots for her. It was a perfunctory screw, more stoned than horny, and she was at the rusty end of bleeding.

It was a disaster, an embarrassment. His half-hard cock got stuck in dried clots and the smell made her gag. She never saw him again and was relieved. She hadn't told Michael any of this.

So he lay next to her that first night and he stroked her skin and kissed her but they were separate. After he wanked himself to sleep she spooned him and smelled the sweat on his skin. That's when the snakes began to writhe.

His need was palpable to her. She knew he dreaded her period because he said it felt like a loss. The hormonal swell of your breasts excites me, he had told her. Could I just touch you? All she could smell was the metallic tang of her crotch and she disgusted herself. She felt the bed rock with his strokes.

"I like porn because it's physical," he said. "Nothing to do with love. I don't want to make love to the girls in the pictures. They're tits and ass and nothing more, a release of frustration, a diversion. You make my heart leap and catch my soul on fire. The smell of your hair intoxicates me, and your smile makes my day worthwhile."

She typed out her stories and looked at the full Victorian women in the sepia photos and wondered what they thought about.

Lila felt like she had failed him when the blood began to flow. It was a complicated mix of not being pregnant and not being available. She wondered if the girls on his screen were available. Would blood excite them, and make them horny?

She wrote a story about a rock chick and a guitarist painting each other with red streaks and licking each other's hot bodies into a frenzy. She re-read Erica Jong's tampon scene. She shuddered.

Michael's hard drive filled up with videos and pictures and every month the bed shook. You're my sexual fantasy, he'd told her, my sexual reality. You take me to places I've never even dreamed of. Don't you know how beautiful you are? Can't you feel how much you make me come?

Every time she caught a glimpse of his screen he winced and held her and told her she was sexy. She felt the snakes boiling deep inside and couldn't explain.

****


Lila had found an old photo of herself.

Long thick brown hair fell around a smooth face, and her dark eyes sparkled. There were no bags and no spare flesh. She was young once.

Michael took the photo and smiled at her.

"Look how pretty you are," he said.

"Look how pretty I was." She frowned and the porn images flooded her head.

These girls were words on a screen, a message here and there, just as she'd been. But they were a good 20 years younger than Lila, and she knew she couldn't keep up with them. Every day brought a fresh wrinkle to her face, a new grey hair. Her breasts were softer and heavier, and her waist had started to thicken.

"But you're perfect to me!" he said.

She saw a cloud of frustration pass across his face, and she pulled the old photo away.

"Don't do that." His voice was quiet and hurt. "When I look at you, I see that same beautiful girl. You're better than any 20 year old. Why can't you see that?"

Because you look at young naked women, she thought. You masturbate over girls who have no issues, and don't get fat, and never grow old. You never masturbate over me. And when I bleed, I feel cut adrift from you, and I panic. When you wank, you're back in your sex days, and I can't reach you.

She didn't answer him.

****


She k