Monday, November 12, 2007

Erotic Fantasies: To Share Or Not To Share (Part One)

The matter of when ~ and if so, how ~ to share erotic fantasies often comes up. Since Secondhand Rose had recently shared her 'shameful perversion' and had mentioned the difficulty in sharing this with lovers, I asked her to address the issue. Here's what she said.

First of all, let me firmly state that as a writer and a phone sex operator who deals in delivering fantasies -- and as a woman who has gone about trying to live them -- there are times when fantasies should remain untried.

This does not mean you shouldn't share them with your partner. Discussing sexual fantasies is not only fun, but it certainly is a part of feeling understood and accepted by your partner. However, just because a lover accepts your fantasies it doesn't mean acting them out is a good idea. On the contrary, sometimes it's a horrible idea.

Sometimes it's a horrible idea if the fantasy's not been particularly well thought-out. It could be you don't realize where that fantasy comes from, where it might take you...

Maybe swapping & sharing partners seems like a thrill, but what about jealousy? Real or imagined, jealousy can be a huge relationship problem, lasting longer than the few minutes of hot action. On the flip side, what if your partner flips for a new partner? Those considering such fantasies need to consider all the possible relationship pratfalls and pitfalls before getting others involved. (For those interested, I highly recommend reading Polyamorously Perverse.)

The trick to avoiding problems is to think about the fantasy, asking yourself, "Just what is this really about?" Why it thrills, what the arousal is from, knowing these things makes it easier to even consider acting them out. Discussing it with a partner might be the best way to see the light of dark fantasies; they'll often point out what they see going on (just don't shoot them for being the messenger!). So think and discuss away, and see if the fantasy still stays.

Forcing yourself to think about fantasies, stripping them of their glamour and appeal to look at the worst-case-scenarios, is the best way to avoid perversion purgatory. And, if you think your fantasies can't survive such scrutiny, then I suggest they are too fragile to stand the real life action too.

It's hard to turn a heavenly erotic fantasy into earthly carnal delights if you've not examined it every-which-way -- not just for the possible consequences, but for it's specificness.

Fantasies have a poor chance of becoming reality if they are not based in reality, and sometimes we've created such specific scenes in our heads that they just can't become reality. As my dear friend, Angela, wrote:
Here is what I did find for myself: I have some very specific taboo fantasies, which have nothing to do with my reality and who I am. But, I did share them with one lover. He tried to act the fantasies out with me. And as good as he was in bed, the fantasy didn't work. God Bless him, he tried.

Sooo....I've come to the conclusion that my fantasy is mine alone. It's so much better in my head than in a real bed.
This can (and will) happen when you've been fantasising about something so specific (and often for quite some time) that no reality can match it. No matter how willing, a partner cannot anticipate your needs as precisely as your imagination can. It's not their fault; there's really no way for a living person to be able to do & say just as you want, when you want, especially when they're up against a script you've perfected in your head for years.

There are some fantasies, no matter what you do or who you do them with, which will ever fade against the vivid images & sensations in your mind.

My last warning about making sex fantasies real has to do with another simple reality of fantasies: they can be selfish.

While fetish and BDSM fantasies are often too specific, making them troublesome to bring to life, the fantasies are often so 'all about you' that the other person is not more than a prop. Often it's about what you feel, not about anything -- anyone -- else. Take the desire to be spanked where the person spanking you is about as just the person wielding the leather paddle, not a person whose arousal matters. As necessary as the paddle, maybe; but about as cared for. When fantasies are so one-sided, so completely about you, it's not fair to ask a lover to play along.

This is often why kink that falls under the BDSM or fetish banners is so powerful as erotic entertainment, and why it's prolific at story sites and good business with PSOs. It's not that these fantasies, or any fantasy, cannot be shared but it's that they are less able to survive in the real world where the fantasy of one must meet the satisfaction of two.

Fantasies like these are often best saved for solo-entertainment, or shared as an aphrodisiac to get lovers in the mood, but not be the sex acts themselves.

Angela recently discussed the differences between fantasies delivered by Professional Dominatrixes and real-world domination. It was a conversation started by Bitchy Jones, and you really should read it, but here's something wise Angela said:
Not all men want to actually BE DOMINATED FOR REAL, thank you very much. They want their impossible fantasy, just for a little bit. They are self-aware enough, and perhaps even self-protective enough, to occasionally get their dirty little itch scratched (via a phone dom or a pro dom), and then get back to the business of their everyday lives. I actually understand wanting a fantasy and not a reality. Because what I get off on by myself and what I get off with a partner are two very different things.
It's a good thing to know if and when there is a difference.

In any of these cases, you can keep the fantasy alive best via a written or a spoken story, or by talking about it with a partner; but it might be best to leave it at that and not ask a partner to participate in it.

However, if you are clear on your fantasies and still believe they are safe to move to reality, then stick around because next time I'll discuss how to share them -- and get them happily fulfilled.

© Secondhand Rose, a writer turned phone companion and conversationalist, who can be found at her blog, Secondhand Rose.

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At November 13, 2007 3:55 AM , Blogger Tom Paine said...

Thank you, Rose, for the nod! I am such a fan of yours and wish you weren't so far away!


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