When You're Kinkier Than He Is

Dear Blushing Ladies,
What can you do when you are kinkier than your partner?
Signed,
kinkier than an old phone cord

Dear kinkier,

First of all, do you know you are dating yourself with that phone cord reference? *wink*

I'm going to presume that you've tried communicating your needs and that while your partner didn't head for the hills shrieking (or crying) they aren't exactly excited by the prospect of joining you in the pursuit of kink. (If, however, you have not discussed your fantasies and desires then you really should do so ~ even if you just fear think they aren't interested, you should, for many reasons, talk about it.)

Being the 'kinky one' in a relationship can be difficult. You are torn between your desire to get your kink on and your desire to keep things comfortable with your partner. Again, discussing this is the first thing to do because you might be happily surprised to find out your partner is a closet kinko ~ or could even be kinkier than you if they only tried something new. (I don't want to keep lecturing about communication, but it's really important enough to warrant two mentions.)

So anyway, here you are all kinky and no place to unwind. What are you gonna do? Trying to live without it is rough ~ it's the kind of thing which will either lead to resentment (both your own and your partner who fears/feels your withdrawal) or lead to a lackluster sex life. You're going to have to deal with it somehow...

If you're in a committed relationship and everything else is swell but you've got the occasional kink to well, un-kink, here are three things you can try:

1) Tell your partner about your fantasy ~ but rather than framing the conversation as a request, focus on what makes you all hot and bothered. For example, if you'd like to be dominated focus on how that makes you feel, how you like the idea of handing over your power, of letting someone else be in charge after a stressful day.

Expressing your emotional needs and desires may open your partner up to new ways of thinking about your kink and allow for you both to see what things can be done to give you what you need ~ yet in ways that are comfortable for them. In the case of being dominated, perhaps your partner could simply be more commanding or demanding of sex rather than asking. A simple, "Get into that bedroom now!" can be more than enough to get your kink-o-vision working on being dominated in your mind.

Also, discussing what you really like and why can be arousing for both you and your partner. Over at A Slip of a Girl, she discussed how and why seeing men in pantyhose turned her on and her husband went from afraid he'd have to do it, to more than happy to display the hard strength she wanted.

2) Read erotica. Yeah, a big shocker to read this here at an erotica author site, huh? But seriously, reading erotica can help.

Options include reading and masturbating as well as reading before going to bed with your partner. The latter can be viewed as rather tacky by some who feel that then you're screwing them only as some sort of surrogate ~ but you can be classy about this right? You need not be lying in bed, you with your dirty book, and then roll over expecting your partner to finish you off. Instead, you can read the story alone and then go to your mate telling them how much you want them. Or you might read the story early in the day, with or without masturbation, and let the fantasy play in your mind all day... Until you can find your partner and put the moves on him.

(And who knows, maybe there's a story scenario you hadn't thought of which your partner might actually want to try?)

3) Twist your unwanted kink into a different kink. Of course, you have to have a certain amount of kink in your relationship to do this one, but you might be surprised how easily such bargains can be made...

Let's say your kinky fantasy is to be with two women and your wife has declined such an event. You can make a deal that every time you bring this up you get a spanking. One couple I know who has such an arrangement says it works wonders. He gets to talk about it while she gets the satisfaction of spanking and dominating him. After his bum's smacked red, he orally pleases her and she tells him he'd never be able to handle two... Then he gets to take his thrustration frustration out with the old in-and-out. Everyone's a winner!

The important thing is that you give yourself and outlet for your kink. Trying to pretend it isn't important or that it doesn't matter is only going to lead to unhappiness and frustration.

With much affection,
Gracie Passette (on behalf of The Blushing Ladies)

Photo credits: via Flickr.

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