Just Because

This is from Ask Uncle Terry (re-posted with permission of the author and the website owner):

I was wondering how many do this: Over the last few years, I have started
trying to give my girl just a little something every now and then, it can be a
card or a rose or anything, usually when things are not going all that well, or
when she is having an extra bad week. She really eats that up, and I score super
points too!!! Anyone here do this?

The fact of the matter is many guys forget to pay attention to things like their girlfriends or wives moods and when they stop paying attention to these things, sexual desire often falls to the wayside. If women don't feel like they are being taken care of emotionally then they feel that intimacy is lacking and their desire decreases for sexual activities. Of course, this doesn't apply to all women - but to a large percentage it does.

Women need to know that when their guy is out about doing his daily things - working, shopping, going to the gym - she is still on his mind, even if not at the forefront. Giving little gifts, love notes, ordering out for dinner on those days when neither of you can handle the kitchen - those little things aren't so little. They mean a lot and they add up. Short on cash? Give her a back rub and expect absolutely nothing in return. Do that one thing that she's been putting off like organizing the junk drawer when she's out grocery shopping. Arrange for the kids to spend the night at friend's or family's houses so she can have a quiet night of watching movies or whatever she likes to do when she has child-free time.

These little things that mean a lot usually require very little on your part - a little thought and a little insight as to what means something to her. The rewards are huge - she'll feel great about you and you're quite likely to get some postive attention in return.

** Ladies - don't forget that this works the other way around, too. Guys might not be looking for love letters and flowers but an undisturbed Saturday afternoon of tinkering with the car or an evening of fantasy baseball with the guys certainly can't hurt!

Posted by Autumn of Inky Blue Allusions.

Card or Love Letter - Which Should You Give?

Valentine's Day is February 14. Here is a great article I found, by L.A. Hunter, on writing a love letter! Enjoy!

Think about how long it takes you to go to the store and pick the right card for your love. In the same amount of time, you can write a spectacular love letter. It's a very unique gift and it has a big impact on the emotions. Below are a few pointers to help you write a great one.

The biggest mistake you can make when writing a love letter is not being sincere. A love letter is something you can't buy, and because of that it means so much more. For example, if you don't like your love's eyes, don't comment on them in the letter. Write about what you do like or what you want to do together. Another mistake would be negativity in the letter. Always think positive and always write about the good. Here's an example, "I'm sorry for my actions, but you just make me angry sometimes." A better way, "I'm sorry for my actions and I cherish you very much."

When you're writing a love letter, it always helps to use whimsical words to enhance the uniqueness and feeling of the letter. If you're like me, you don't normally use these kinds of words everyday. So how do you write a spectacular love letter then? A thesaurus is a valuable tool which can help you create a passionate love letter you can be proud of. If you're not familiar with this, it's like a dictionary, but instead of giving the meaning of the word, it gives synonyms and antonyms. So if you want to write, "I love spending time with you," look up love and pick a word that's appealing to you and switch it. The new sentence is, "I treasure our time together."

Here are some key points to remember when writing your love letter. Always date it. Most people keep their love letters, so when they're reminiscing they'll be delighted to know the date. If you don't like this idea, instead of writing it at the top as usual, write it small on the bottom corner or on the back. And always write what you feel comfortable with, don't force yourself to write about things you're not. If you don't want to write about your love's physical appearance, write about things you want to do or how you feel when you're with or not with your love.

Even more ideas for your letters. Spray their favorite fragrance on the letter. Or better yet, use lavender, it has long been perceived as an aphrodisiac by both men and women. Experiment with different color and textured papers. Sometimes mail the letter and other times leave it for them to find, maybe surrounded by rose petals. For more interest, add sketches such as, little hearts, flowers, or dot your 'I's with hearts. Put a few silk rose petals in the envelope when done. The envelope should give the feel of a love letter. If you are not using fancy paper, draw little heart on the envelope or address it to "My Love __________."

Romance expert and author L.A. Hunter has created two web sites to help you with all your romantic needs.

http://www.Romantic-Secrets.com, is a very special romance boutique where you can find romantic gifts, products and lots of free advice. http://www.RomeosPlaybook.com was created to promote her book "Romeo's Playbook," and also contains oodles of free advice. When she's not talking romance, you might find her singing, dancing and playing games with friends. Her other hobbies include making wine, playing pool and sitting by the fire pit in the summer drinking a beer. Stop by either site and visit awhile.

TMI For Couples?

This week's TMI Tuesday questions are from my list of conversation starters for couples as posted in my 13 Ways To Use What You Have To Build Intimacy.

Thanks Slip of a Girl for sending them in. *smile*

I've posted my replies here ~ and since these are supposed to be conversation starters, please join the conversation!

13 Ways To Use What You Have To Build Intimacy

Often in relationships, we feel we're stuck in a rut or otherwise complain our love lives have lost their luster and we turn to date nights or other expensive outings when what we really should be doing is stop the distractions and focus on each other. Now the holidays have mostly passed, we tend to stay inside & this makes it an excellent time to concentrate on building intimacy in our relationships. Here are thirteen ways to use what we have to build intimacy and rekindle the passion in our relationships: 1 Spend time talking & listening to each other. Having a real conversation brings back that joy of discovery you once had. To some, this sounds too simple; but to this I say, "It's often the simplest things which are the best." To others having a conversation seems impossible. What could you possibly talk about? Avoid potentially threatening topics (you know, the ones that get you arguing) and return to the kinds of things you once talked about until the sun came up... Possibilities include: If you could live in any home on a television series, what would it be? If you had a clone, what would you make it do so you could have free time? Who was your best friend when you were 8? When you were 13? If you could travel anywhere, where would it be & why? Would you hate loosing your sight or hearing most? What's your favorite musical? Nature or nurture? What's your favorite/least favorite commercial? What magazine have you always wanted a subscription to but forget about? 2 Put on that lingerie, dress, sweater or other outfit he gave you as a gift (this year, or ages ago). Men, you too; put put on that tie, tee or whatever she gave you. Not only does this let your lover know you appreciate it, but fulfills their fantasies of seeing you in it. 3 Read ~ together. Create a book club for two by talking about a book (or 10). You need not have two copies as each of you can take turns reading in your spare time, but agree that over the weekend or on Wednesday night, you'll talk about the book together. 4 Read ~ out loud. Be it a poem, a dirty story, or something from the newspaper funnies, read out loud to your lover what you love or what you think your partner will enjoy. (Women love to be read aloud to; and men may find this more fun than they thought if the subject matter is selected properly ~ or improperly! *wink*) 5 Cook a meal together. Open the cookbook, and make a new dish together. (OK, this may require a visit to the grocery store; but you'll have to get food at some point anyway...) 6 Turn off that TV and play a game. 7 If you must watch TV or a movie, remember to reach for & hold your partner's hand. 8 Write holiday 'thank you' cards together. Not only are you spending time together, but being grateful for your family & friends reminds you of the life you've built together. Your family & friends sure will appreciate it too. 9 Pamper your partner. Give her a pedicure; him a massage. Hand him the remote & sit topless at his feet. (And vice-versa are options too!) Do it 'just because', without any expectations, and with a smile. 10 Write love notes and place them where your partner is sure to find them. Don't just say, "I love you," tell them why you love them. 11 Write playful love notes & leave a trail of them, like a scavenger hunt. Start with one note where your partner is sure to find it ~ have part of it be a riddle or clue to where the next note is. When they follow all the clues and find all the notes, give them a reward. The reward can be as simple as a foot rub, as sexy as a oral sex, or as silly as a pudding cup; the point is to have fun! 12 Dress up, but stay home. Ladies, put on that fancy dress, those high heels, your makeup & special occasion perfume. Men, put on that shirt and tie and your cologne too. Light the candles, enjoy cocktails and dance together. Primping for one another makes both you both feel special ~ and sexy. 13 Do the Sunday crossword puzzle together in bed or at the breakfast table together. Alternately, if crosswords aren't your thing, get a bowl of strawberries (maybe some Cool Whip, just in case *wink*) and pour over a few magazines together and mock celebrities or ads. So go ahead, give these a try ~ maybe you'll skip cabin fever and want to stay home with each other all the time! *wink*

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Forget The Hearts & Flowers

Sometimes women just want it. As this short story, Over The Sink by Angela St. Lawrence, illustrates. Here's a snippet:

"Don't kiss me on the neck."

"Why? I thought you liked it."

"I do. Just not right now. I just want fucked. Just stick it in."

"Okay, but don't bitch at me later."

"Christ, shut the hell up and stick in it."

And then he is pushing her over the kitchen sink, sliding her skirt up over her generous, round ass. Surprised to see she is not wearing panties, he thinks better of saying anything; she obviously isn't in the mood to listen.

Finding Time For Romance

Finding time for romance is never easy when life gets in the way. Let's face it - ther are about a zillion things to distract us. It might be our jobs, the kids, the neighbors, a friend in needs, parents demanding our attention, our favorite television show, a hobby - the list can go on forever.

But when it comes right down to it, we have to make a choice to find time for romance. It doesn't have to be a full out, two hour long love making sessions. Romance can fit into little spots during the day and if you are consistent, when two hours are available those love making sessions are that more enjoyable.

Ways to fit romance into a hectic day:

~ Sit down with your partner for just five minutes and REALLY listen to them; hold their hand or touch them as you do so.
~ Write them a note before you leave the house and leave it somewhere where they will find it - doesn't have to be sexy or naughty; a simple "I Love You" will do the trick.
~ Remind the of something special from your past like the smell of the flowers in your honeymoon suite or that dress she wore when you went to that backyard barbeque before you got married. Your partner will know that you remember and are thinking about them.
~ Give them a five minute back rub when the most need it.
~ Touch often - a caress, a hug, fingers running through the hair; all of these are appreciated, even more so when you aren't specifically looking to get some!
~ Rent the movie you know your partner REALLY wants to see.
~ Run out at midnight to get that special thing they are craving - chocolate, Pepsi, whatever.

And most of all, remember that this applies to the guys AND the girls! Romance isn't gender specific.

Fantasy Vs. Reality: What Is Cheating?

(Cross-post at BlogHer)

This week's TMI Tuesday was an interesting one. The first task was to define "infidelity" as it relates to a relationship, and I stated that the definition really is a unique agreement between parties and that too often this isn't actually discussed but is an unspoken set of assumptions ~ and that's where misunderstandings and heartbreak reside.

As a sex worker I've pondered infidelity and cheating often. I've knowingly participated in 'his affair', and for that I'm often hated; but I know that I'm not responsible for the decisions of another. "Isn't it unethical to come between another couple's relationship?" I'm asked. "I can only make my own responsible decisions," is my reply, "I do not have the power to consent for anyone else."

Of course, making responsible decisions for myself involves being honest and clear with myself so that I can do the same with my partner(s). Would that we'd all be so aware.

Sex workers are often quizzed on their own relationships. "Isn't your work cheating on your partner?" I've been asked. I never saw it that way. It's work. However, personally, once I began a committed relationship, it was often difficult for me to work. My gigs, as such, were not just screwing episodes. I put more of myself into those appointments than just my body parts. I won't say I was in love with clients, but I sure didn't hate them. I loved in an 'all of humanity' way and so it was intimate work for my soul. This was more difficult when I was personally attached, or becoming so, with another. At those times I quit. That was my choice. Other sex pros I know were more capable of separating personal from professional than I, and they carried on with work and relationship quite comfortably.

But is it cheating? Well, not if I'm honest with my partner(s) and they agree.

I've discussed with partners, past and current, about how they'd feel with my continuing to work and being with them. Most had no problems ~ perhaps because it was 'in theory'. I cannot say for certain. It also takes a rather open man to both have no insecurities and be free of moral judgments, so perhaps they are just that special. Most understood the distinctions between fantasy and reality. Paid escort work is fantasy; dating me is reality. They aren't the same experience. (And heaven knows several of my exes wish they could pay me so that I'd be the girl they wanted!)

But other people are not so clear in their understanding.

Another sex worker, Secondhand Rose, recently had a conversation about her phone sex work. And it's clear that her husband's friend, Mike, doesn't trust her work, to which Rose responds:

Mike, I guess you need to see the difference between action and words, between fantasy and reality. That's what entertainment is. Phone sex is about sex, yes, but it's entertainment. When you watch Die Hard, you aren't really blowing shit up -- you're just pretending. You're entertained. Just one of the many reasons why phone work is legal and prostitution isn't.

When he is not convinced, Rose's husband speaks up:

Mike: And that doesn't bother you, Rob? To know some other guy's getting off to -- or even with -- your wife?!

Rob: So what if she does? I'm not the freakin' masturbation police, or her keeper. I know for a fact she gets off writing her stories, so what's the difference if she's creating them on the phone? When she writes humor pieces I hear her giggling at her own wit at the computer -- the only danger here is that Rose will fall even more in love with herself, making her harder to live with, and her large head means we will have to buy expensive custom hats.

I've often advised erotica as an outlet for those people in relationships where a fantasy or a fetish is not going to be shared in the relationship, and I certainly include calling a PSO in that category. But then I'm a sex worker, so I 'would', says my friend, Kim.

She was aghast that I'd even think such a thing. Here's how our conversation went...

"Rick paying for phone sex would be cheating!"

"Why? It's no different than reading an erotic story from a book or listening to recorded erotica ~ other than this is less passive, it's interactive."

"That's the problem ~ he'd be getting off with her, not just the story."

"He'd be getting off to a story, a fantasy, she's creating for him. It's not 'her' as a person."

"She is a person, and she's talking sex with my husband!"

"Yes, but she's not 'herself'; she's a fantasy."

"But he's telling her private, intimate things..."

"Yes, but things you've made it clear he shouldn't share with you. It's about the fantasy, not her."

"But what if he likes that she can go there and so starts to fall for her...?"

"If he should do that then he's just as likely to fall for some chick in a magazine or on TV. He's not living here but in fantasy land. It can happen ~ it does happen ~ but as a pro, she'll set him back right. She'll tell him where the lines are, and if he can't grasp that, she'll not accept his calls."

"How can you be so sure?"

"A female sex worker is still a woman. She doesn't want to be some fantasy woman adored for the illusion, she too wants to be adored for herself. She's not going to accept a relationship where it's clearly based on the fantasy, a fantasy world, not reality. That's why I say a pro is better than some chat room or a 'free' call ~ she's a pro, not someone desperate for or playing at a relationship. The pro will play, be entertainment; but she's not going to be satisfied with playing pretend for the rest of her life."

"What if she is?"

"Then she's as unstable as the guy and they're both in trouble. Does that sound like Rick?"

She said, "No," but she's still not convinced that Rick calling a PSO would be the same as his masturbating to photos online, to a porno, or to a story in a book...

What do you say? Is calling a phone sex operator cheating? Or is it the same as any other sex fantasy read in a book or in photos?

Author Kis Lee Dishes On Dirty Stories

Many folks think erotica is just another word for 'dirty stories' and therefore miss out on other erotic possibilities in their relationships... So I asked author Kis Lee to describe what things she believes are essential to an erotic story, what makes it 'erotic' rather than just 'dirty,' and what those things mean as far as possibilities in your sex life.

For a while, the headline for my Myspace profile said: "I write dirty words for a living." It wasn't meant to be cheeky. I just like using the word "dirty." (My current headline simply says "smutty.") I see an overlap between "erotic" and "dirty." I don't see anything wrong with writing dirty stories. In my own writing, I don't think about the distinction between the two.

I like calling myself a "smut writer" because I write both porn and erotica. Sometimes I write a story that is pure stroke fiction: about two people hooking up and getting off. I like to think of these kinds of stories as masturbatory fiction. I want the reader to get turned on. Other times I write a story that is more about the characters than about sex. I want to explain why the particular characters get together. I want to explore why there is (or there isn't) sexual chemistry between the main characters. Those stories are more "erotic" in my mind. I'm really fascinated by the how's and why's of human relationships.

In my writing, I try to create a sense of reality infused with fantasy. Or perhaps it's fantasy infused with reality? In any case I want the reader to think that the story could take place in real life. I often write about moves and techniques that have worked for me. Sometimes I even take snippets of real life conversations. However if the story is too close to real life, it can be boring. That's why a lot of my stories involve my own unfulfilled fantasies. Despite being a smut writer, I haven't tried everything I've wanted to experience. Not even close. I use my writing as an avenue of exploring my hidden and not-so-hidden desires. I figure that if I get turned on, then some readers might feel the same way.

Fantasies play a big role in my sex life. I'm really open with my current partner, and he is open-minded as well. We talk about sex quite often, and we've discussed our fantasies. Even the act of discussing fantasies adds excitement to our sex life. We know that we're not going to fulfill every single fantasy, but it is fun to talk about the possibilities. Every time we share a fantasy, we learn more about the other person. We both look pretty tame, but we both have kinky sides. It keeps life exciting.

My partner recently asked me if he inspires my writing. He definitely does. Sometimes I use our experiences as material for fiction. (He knows this and I have his blessing.) Other times I rely on my imagination as the source. With unfulfilled fantasies, I have to pretend that I've experienced the same thing. For example, I wrote a story called "Bus Ride" and it involves bondage and public sex. I've experienced bondage before, but I've never had sex in public. I've never even had sex in the car before. For that story, the story began with the characters and the words just flowed from there. I hope that my readers wonder whether the story is based on fact. I like to keep people guessing.

Here's an excerpt from "Bus Ride":

"Don't be shy, love. Tell me why you need a collar."

"It's for a party," I said. "My friend is getting married, and we're going out clubbing afterwards."

"I see." He ran his hand over my thigh, his fingertips hovering in the air, never touching the soft fabric. He had large hands with long fingers. Whenever I saw a man with long fingers, I wondered if he knew how to play the piano.

He moved his hand from my thigh to my forearm. He lightly brushed my bare arm with his fingertips. His slight touch went from the inside of my wrist to my elbow and up towards my bicep. He stroked my skin slowly like he was remembering my texture. I watched his gaze slide over my breasts, my stomach, and lower.

I jumped when the bus rolled into motion. I didn't even hear the driver announce our departure. Shifting in my seat, I noticed that all the passengers congregated around the front and middle. A few middle-aged ladies discussed which casino had the best buffet.

"No one can see us," Dave whispered.

Kis Lee is a recovering lawyer turned freelance smut writer. Her story, Bus Ride, will be published in E Is for Exotic, part of the Erotic Alphabet Series by Cleis, due out later this month.

You can (try) to keep up with Kis at her erotica blog, her adult blog for women, and her website.

Intimacy

Intimacy isn't always sex; nor should it be.

The artist of this work, titled Physical Connection, is enchantedone. She writes of this work:

My idea was for a physical connection between male and female. Not something extremely sexual, but something deffinitly with some tension and sweetness.

Sometimes, this is the best way to establish, or reestablish, a connection.

When the Truth Comes Out

What do you do when you find out part way into a serious committed relationships that your partner has been holding back some crucial information that you really should have known before you made the commitment (the commitment being getting married, or living together, or what ever signifies commitment to you)?

Perhaps they've revealed that they are bisexual. Or maybe they've told you that they are a cross-dresser. Or perhaps they've just confessed that porn is a major part of their life and they've been watching it all this time behind your back.

There are really only several choices:

1. Cut your losses and get out
2. Take the time to really listen to them and find out what this means for your relationship
3. Jump in with arms wide open and do everything you can to share this with them

Now, of course, not all of these are cut and dry. If there are children involved there will be even more questions to ask but for simplicity's sake, let's pretend that it is just the two of you.

Your first option is cutting your losses. This may be your first reaction, depending on what your partner has just confessed. But don't say anything yet. If you're really, really shocked just tell them you need to take some time to think about it. Then do just that. Think about it. Think about whether or not that changes this person you love. Does it change how they treat you? Does it change the way you see them? Does it make them a different person? Think about how hard it must have been to come to you, how much it must have hurt them to hide it from you, and how desperately they must want to be loved for who they are. Making this decision would mean major changes for both of you. It's not always the best one.

The second option - taking some time to talk it out with them - means hearing their side of the story with as little bias as possible. Listen to how they came to be who they are, why they hid it from you in the first place, why they decided to finally tell you. Ask questions and don't judge. If you judge them without actually listening, you've already left.

The last choice - jumping in, arms open - is not always easier said than done. You may not know everything you think you know about the situation. Keep talking. Talk every single day. Learn more, share more, and find out what is really involved in this little secret. You may not even have to get involved but simply may only need to accept that this is part of who they are.

Everyone has secrets but some are more shocking than others.

There are a few things that will be invaluable to you on your journey no matter which choice you make:

1. Education - find out as much as you possibly can. Not just from them, but look things up on the Internet, read blogs, read educational material, read research.
2. Support - find a group of people, whether in real life or on the net, who have gone through a similar situation. Talk to them and be honest with how you feel.
3. Communication - you need to talk to your partner. Yes, you need to find out how they feel, but share with them how you feel as well. Let them know what questions are going through your head and what you do or don't understand. They'll often be able to answer your questions or point you to a resource that can answer them.
4. Remembering - remember why you fell in love with them in the first place. Remember all the qualities that make you love them. Remember that you can get through anything - you just have to choose to and you both have to be on the same page.

One For The Guys

7 Tricks for Lasting Longer in Bed. A Crash Course in Sexual Stamina

My extensive experiences with tantric yoga, ancient sexuality practices, and contemporary western therapeutic paradigms have exposed me to many 'tricks-of-the-trade' when it comes to coming.

In this article I'll attempt to distill some of this simple but powerful wisdom. Hopefully men seeking to improve their sexual stamina, or even just to educate themselves sexually, can begin to use this as a roadmap for their quest. And a very worthy quest it is too, (speaking as a woman).

If there is one thing I cannot resist it is a man who is dedicated to learning more about his body and sexuality in general.

I know I speak for a lot of other women when I say that the most important quality in a lover is a commitment to improving the quality of his, and his partner's, sexual experiences.

THE TRICKS TO LASTING LONGER

1. Relax and increase your body awareness.

There are very many techniques out there to help you relax and be more able to 'feel' your body. As a yoga practitioner I have experience with very many powerful relaxation, meditation and breathing techniques.

Perhaps the simplest one is just paying attention to your breathing during sex. Not controlling it, just noticing it.

Masters and Johnson also developed a technique known as "sensate focus exercises" which I use extensively in my practice as sexual surrogate therapist and sex 'coach'.

2. Focus on pleasure in sex, rather than sexual performance.

Let go of any expectations about the outcome of sex. Going into a sexual experience with a 'plan' robs you of any ability to be open minded.

You cannot learn from sex if you are focused on how it should look.

Instead, notice the pleasure as it is happening. The pleasure will show you what is good. It is the ultimate teacher when it comes to sex.

3. Increase awareness of your sexual arousal.

Again, open your awareness to your feelings of pleasure and pay close attention to your arousal levels. Awareness is the first step to understanding; which is itself a step towards mastery.

Focus on your pleasure during sex, during masturbation, or even the subtle pleasure you experience when a gorgeous woman gets on the bus.

4. Extend your sexual arousal to higher levels.

There are many techniques you can learn to extend your pleasure. As you become more aware of your sexual arousal a natural increase in your arousal level is inevitable.

This will happen because you will become familiar and comfortable with your pleasure, and your body will propel you to greater heights naturally.

Be sure to practice sex and pleasure often, so your body can keep teaching you.

5. Master your sexual arousal consistently at higher levels.

As your sexual pleasure naturally increases with more practice, you will begin to 'play' with it.

Manipulate your breathing patterns, sexual energy field and subtle internal sensations, to the point that you can begin to feel mastery over them.

Again, ancient wisdom, sex manuals and other people's experiences are full of eye opening possibilities.

6. Become accustomed to a steady level of intense arousal.

Get into the habit of building your sexual pleasure and indulging in it fully. Let the moments you feel pleasure expand.

Let the arousal continue as if it didn't need to end ever. It will of course, but you don't care when ... just let it happen.

7. Stop thinking.

Drop your conscious mind out of the picture. Investigate or experiment with techniques to get your internal dialogue to shut up.

Experience all of this intense and joyous pleasure, not in your head, not by thinking about it ... but in your body. Feel it!

THE KEY is connecting more deeply to your own sensations and feelings.

Here's a bonus tricky tip for you. It's also the most important one.

8. Remember your own commitment to learn and grow.. . it all comes back to you.

By the way, if some of these tricks seem to be a bit of a tease it's because they are. Each one could be the subject of several very in depth articles or sexuality workshops.

I want you to take the time to ponder these tricks and look further. I wish you well on your adventures and I wish you very much pleasure.

Love,
Mukee

Mukee Okan is an artist mother yogic practitioner and instructor sexual surrogate partner therapist and sacred sexuality teacher. Originally from Australia Mukee has trained and participated in many arenas of life experience. Her training in sacred sexuality has encompassed three complementary streams: the yogic stream, the shamanic stream, and the western medical model of surrogate partner therapy. She continues to explore other traditions and arenas in sacred sexuality.

Jolie du Pre is an author of lesbian erotica and erotic romance. She hopes that you enjoyed this article by Mukee Okan.

Article provided by ArticleWorld.net.

Adult Meme: Q & A

Playing along with this meme...

What's one question you've been expecting to be asked at your blog which has never been asked?

Quite honestly, there's quite a few questions I've been anticipating... Off the top of my head, I'd say I've been expecting to hear, "What's a sure-fire way to get a woman in the mood?"

Why?

Because it's a very common question. *wink*

Answer it.

If you want to please her, go the oral route ~ and read to her!

Put your mouth to good use, for as Woodrow Wyatt once said, "A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears."

It's not just Wyatt and I who say so either; science is backing us up. (See Canli and Gabrieli (2004) and Hamann et al (2004).)

So, read her poems, a story, or a chapter each night before bed. They can be as romantic or as dirty as she likes, but it's a certainty that she'll literally melt before you, with a puddle in her panties to prove it!

What's one question you've wanted to ask your readers, but never have?

Well, it's a question I've long just wanted to ask the world... Since women are so into auditory arousal, why aren't more women calling PSOs (phone sex operators)?

And don't cop-out and say that women don't need to pay for sex. We're talking about having a pro say everything you want to hear... How hot is that?!

Why not?

Just waiting for the right time to act on the impulse, I guess. *wink*

Now what are your thoughts on the matter?

The Games Couples Play

When it comes to building intimacy, or rebuilding it, there's not much better than playing games ~ I don't mean mind games, but games with rules ~ card games and board games.

Movies, watching television, going out to events and bars offer little in the way of interaction, and even restaurants can make conversation difficult. But games? Games were designed to get people interacting and talking!

The games need not be adult or even for couples. A good old fashioned, clean, game of Monopoly can be just the thing to help you reconnect. Why? Because games were created to get people interacting.

Games, with their rules, turn-taking and structure, help get the ball rolling. Couples who find themselves with nothing to say, couples who are just getting to know each other, complete strangers or married couples who feel as if they are strangers, can all find themselves actively participating and talking. That's what games were designed to do!

Even angry couples can use games to break those stony silences. Rather than sitting side by side with nothing nice to say (and so remaining silent), rather than wondering what to say that won't lead back to that same old fight, let the game be your focus. Games were invented to be ice breakers, so let them break that icy silence! Following the game instructions sets your topic, playing the game sets your tone ~ to fun!

Feeling disconnected from your spouse? Why not turn off that TV, break out one of those games sitting in the back of the closet and spend time with one another. You never know where it will lead...

Your game need not be for lovers to turn you into lovers. Some of my personal favorites are Sequence and Uno.

Feeling silly? I have a vintage version of the home version of The Newlywed Game that I got at a rummage sale and answering the corny old 1960's questions always has us rolling. And, to be honest, learning a few (admittedly odd) things about each other. (It's also a great game to play with other couples, so I am always looking for different old versions of those retro games to add to my collection. Now you know ~ one of ~ my shameful dirty secrets.)

Feeling more... playful? Uncork that bottle of wine, light some candles and get out a romantic, erotic game.

Looking for ideas? Here are a few naughty game reviews:

Of A Hot Affair quoth Kat, "What is amazing is that there are so many ways to play this game... with 3 different levels, you can personalize the game according to how you are both feeling."

For you kinky folks, there's the Fetish Board Game. "Having explored plenty of kinks before I was surprised at how well the cards covered bondage and voyeurism, in particular. Although the cards are geared to the initiate, I think old hands will find themselves more than entertained by the cards' instructions as well."

With Lesbian Sex! Game, "Kheper Games, Inc. has come up with a wonderful way to get to know your lover and have some fun in the process. I've been with someone who couldn't talk openly about what they wanted, at least in the beginning. How wonderful this deck would have been!" (There's also a hetero version of Sex! too.)

And Roll 'Em Show 'Em is a fun time exploiting sex, money and drinking ~ and good for groups, you swingers you!

So next 'date night', why not order a new game and plan a special night at home enjoying your time together.

Erotica the Power Play Way

Awhile ago I wrote some tips on How To Use Erotica. Once section, Erotica the Power Play Way, got quite a number of emails...

* Master Says
Read to your partner and see how long she can go without touching herself ~ in any way. She is not allowed to rub her legs together, tweak her own nipples, or even use her own mouth (lick lips, bite lower lip etc) without your permission. In order to do so, she must ask "Master, may I?" and you can decide if and when she may have the release she seeks.

* I've Been A Bad Boy, Mother Goose
I enjoy dressing as a stern nanny or Dominatrix for my part, and have him undress for his role as the naughty boy. Then I tell him the rules: "You will listen to the story, and you will not touch yourself. Not one little bit, or you will get a spanking. If you understand, say 'Yes, Mistress'." Once he agrees, I begin to read. Obviously, you will have to follow through each and every time he does touch himself and if he's the sort who adores erotic spankings he is going to try to wanker-off at every word, so you may need to provide additional rules or consequences. Perhaps you'll need to up the ante to nipple twists? Maybe you'll need to tell the bad boy that storytime will end with his going to bed alone if he continues to interrupt... Or maybe he'll need to drop and give you 20 ~ pussy licks, that is! Be flexible in his likes and in his ability to last, and you and your naughty boy will make Mother Goose as much a part of your regular bedtime activities as brushing your teeth.

* Enchanted Erotic Recipe
Leave the book on your partner's pillow with the selected story clearly marked. On top of the book place your handwritten note with instructions: "Read this story, and be prepared for tonight..." If the story is one that you'd like to act out and it requires props of some sort (special outfits, toys, food items, etc), clearly state in your note that she is required to provide such ingredients. Women love, Love, LOVE anticipation. Making her wait for hours (or days if you tell her on Wednesday to prepare for Saturday!) will put her under an enchanted erotic spell.

Most of the emails were from folks who were aroused by the ideas but felt their partner wasn't quite ready to do this yet. How, they wondered, do you get your partner to move past reading and acting on those naughty impulses?

Here are a few beginner steps:

* Shy Try
For partners who are a bit worried about trying something new, this is a great warm-up to 'bigger and better' sex play scenes. One of you selects three stories based on fantasies you've discussed but haven't had the guts to try yet. Take the titles of each one, put them in a 'hat' and have the other draw one that you'll both try that night.

The catch is, that the one of you must be tied up and blindfolded as they listen to the other read the story. This not only removes some of the embarrassment (or discomfort of 'new') and prevents them from quitting/leaving, but the arousal of listening as their partner strokes and touches them transfers the anxiety into arousal... The reader has the power to stop reading and give-in to lusty needs at any time ~ at their own discretion, of course!

* Hands-On
Similar to the 'Shy Guy,' only instead of binding & blindfolding your partner, you tape yourself reading a story (or buy an audio recording to play). As the story is read, massage your partner. Again the combination of touch and listening acts as emotional lube, releasing inhibitions.

The power play comes in when the one massaging feels their partner is putty in their hands and will now try out the story line or act. (It's perfectly fine to make them wait, make them plead!)

* Half-And-Half
Tell your partner that you'll read the start of the story, preferably one that he doesn't know, and then stop reading and have him tell you how he'd finish the story ~ if he pleases you with the story's ending, you'll allow him to act it out.

In any of these scenarios, if your partner is aroused but still not ready to give it a real try, that's OK. So maybe the first few times you still have sex without the 'real' or 'heavy' power play ~ you are both still working on the fantasies. Sometimes it takes a few steps like this for them to feel comfortable enough to really let go.

Don't force it, or get upset. A lusty roll is positive reinforcement, and your patience & understanding will go a long way to reassure them the next time. Then you can take the teasing further into power play ~ and get your way!

Now it's your turn... What ways do you have to turn reading erotica into a fun sexual power play?

The Sweet Smell of Sex

Over at Pretty Dumb Things, Chelsea Girl wonders about her committed relationship and why they are having less than stellar sex:

And I have tried, I have tried and I have tried to get Donny to hear my complaints. I have mentioned how he used to tie me up and wasn't that fun, wouldn't he like a go at the old ropes again? I have said, wow, I really liked it when you dripped me with candle wax, whaddaya think, got a match? I have said, you know, I really enjoy being spanked. How about spanking me? I have insinuated, intimated, directly addressed, queried, said outright and asked point blank. I have done so for almost a year, and for almost a year, I have seen our sex life get more and more firmly entrenched in what I can only term in absolute honesty as a rut.

Saturday, I lost patience, and I kinda sorta, no really, let Donny have it. I told him that I was dissatisfied. I reminded him of the sex we used to have--long, languorous and perverse loops of time and experience where we held each other suspended in passion and occasional pain. I told him that I realized that this kind of sex wasn't an everyday option, but given how rarely we do fuck, that I needed it to happen more frequently than it had.

I told him, in short, that we were in a rut. I told him that I wanted out. Whether I meant the rut or the relationship was intentionally ambiguous.

"Well," he said, a stricken look on his face, "when I met you and we did all that stuff, I wasn't in love with you. But now I love you, and..." his voice trailed off.

Which leaves me to wonder. What has love got to do with it? Why now that my boyfriend is in love with me and I with him, now that he takes care of me, now that he's committed to me, why with all of that, does the nasty need to go away? Why can't he fuck me like the little whore I used to be (and still am in my mind)? Why must I sacrifice the wild ecstatic pleasures to the domestic delights? Why do I have to lose my lover to gain a partner?

Why can't I have it all?

...I hope fervently that we can relearn how to be beasty in the bedroom and keep the commitment. It's a lot less easy than I thought it would be.

Yes, Chelsea, it is. It will be. Relationships take work and sometimes that work along with the daily grind make sex between committed partners seem more like sex with a friend or a sibling even. (Yeesh!)

That spark, that je ne sais quoi, that makes folks tumble into bed together is dampened if not completely put out by the wet blanked of security, familiarity and comfort which we all prize in our relationships ~ well, at least until it smothers the sex, then we wonder if it's all it's cracked-up to be.

Without trying to play counselor to Chelsea and Donny ~ the former I've 'conversed with' a few times, the later I don't know from Adam ~ I do have general advice for this general situation of a general sexual rut. And it's really simple: Hit him in the nose.

No, not literally. Use his sense of smell to get him in the mood.

Memories, complete with all associated emotions such as arousal and lust, can be prompted by smell. I'm serious ~ it works for both men and women. And I'm not talking about pheromones or other odors you either aren't aware of or cannot control; I'm talking about recreating the fragrances you both fell in lust with. Your perfume, his cologne, candles, incense ~ even the smell of a smoky bar can literally be that magic "something in the air" which you've been missing.

Smells are strongly linked to memory, so simply spritzing on that signature perfume you always used to wear when you were dating or lighting candles in the same scents you first made-out to can take your partner back to those emotional feelings. I personally know a couple whose sex life soared to re-newed heights when she took a part-time job back in waitressing. Every night that she returned home smelling of fried foods it took him back to when he used to pick her up after work late at night... They were young then, and their night was just beginning...

Who knew fried foods could be so sexy?

Well, in truth, it's not the fried foods but the smell connected to emotion. One whiff and he was transported back in time... A time when he couldn't wait to get a chance to feel her up under her polyester uniform and prayed for more. His drive returned with the memories (and she made a bit of extra spending cash to buy herself new trinkets which made her feel sexy too). Win-win!

So dig out that bottle of perfume or cologne you once put on for every date night ~ I don't care if those fragrances are so last year (or even so 1980's), just put them on again. (Unless these bottles themselves have turned bad, then head to the store and buy a new bottle. If they stopped making that fragrance, ask the lady at the perfume counter to help you find the latest scent which is the closest match.) Ditto on the candles ~ burn Christmas candles all year long if you were getting hot and sweaty during holiday time.

If you don't believe me ~ and Gracie can make many a man heel with just a spritz of CoCo Channel on stationary ~ then believe Dr. Alan Hirsch founder of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago. Dr. Hirsch has studied olfactory-evoked nostalgia (sometimes called the Proust Effect) and he says, "The quickest way to affect somebody's moods or behavior, quicker than with any other sensory modality, is with smell."

This is because of how smell and memory are linked ~ in fact, we must first remember a smell before identifying it. This means that not only is odor linked to experiences, that smell evokes memories, but that smell is better at this memory cue effect than the other senses. So if you want him to remember a special time, a special feeling ~ that feeling ~ think less about how you look or what you are wearing, but about what you both are smelling.

This is entirely unconscious, so you need not get your partner to agree ~ or even tell them about your sweet-smelling seduction plans!

Of course, some scent memories may have changed over time. For example, some women can no longer wear their old favorite fragrance because that smell is linked to the memory, and nausea, of morning sickness. But this too is good news ~ it's proof that your smell-memory connection can be relearned. If your partner isn't keen on smelling like fried foods every night just to get it on, start spritzing on a new perfume, lighting candles, or even get a new car fragrance tree on the rear-view if you can't wait to get home to do it ~ whatever new scent you add to the hot steamy sex will quickly become the new sexy smell memory.

If all else fails, serve him pumpkin pie while burning a lavender candle. Dr. Hirsch found the smell of pumpkin pie, when mixed with the smell of lavender, stimulated male sexual arousal more than any other aroma tested. It increased penile blood flow in test subjects by 40 per cent, 13 times more than designer perfume.

Carrie White: Seven Years of Creating Fantasies

Carrie White is based in London, but her erotic literary work has gained international respect ~ proving love and lust know no international boundaries.

She began writing professionally in the year 2000 and has been published in many web-based publications, printed erotic magazines and has also made various international T.V appearances, including Playboy's Sexcetera & Men & Motors' Fetish Seen.

That's seven years of creating fantasies... Professionally anyway. *wink* How does she do it? Let's ask her.

Carrie, coming up with story after story, fantasy after fantasy, how do you do it and not become bored or jaded? What puts the spark back in the writer?

It's easy to get bored writing the same type of stories all the time as you probably know so over the years I've been slowly changing the way I write.

When I first started as an erotic writer, I just stuck to heterosexual sex as it was so easy but then I got fed up with writing about that and wanted to liven things up a bit so I tried writing about lesbian/bisexual sex. After that, I made some attempts at writing gay sex. They all sound so easy to do but they each have their own difficulties to overcome. For example, gay sex is hard to write about if you're a woman and haven't a clue as to how men relate to one another. It takes time, practice and research to figure it out and I've got it wrong on many occasions!

I'm also attempting to write outside of my usual interests though I wouldn't go so far into those areas because I feel my stories have to turn me on to work. I've written some light spanking stories again back with heterosexual couples.

I've also wanted to write about situations and sexual liaisons outside of the conventional meetings between people, i.e. Dogging or Glory hole sex. Just to spice things up for me as well as my readers. I will not, however, write about anything that I do not find overly exciting myself e.g. fetishes like men in nappies or dressing up in animal costumes.

I have been known to add a bit of psychological horror or intrigue in with my erotic stories; not enough to class them as erotic horror but just enough to add a twist. It's also not usually strong enough for readers to say, "Gads, that does not turn me on!" I like to think it makes them think, lol, but I could be wrong!

What lessons are there here for couples?

The lessons here that I see for couples is that if erotic writers can become bored and uninspired whilst writing about sex, isn't it then likely or possible that couples may also become stale in the bedroom?

To keep churning out the same old style and type of stories as a writer is equally as bad as letting your intimate relationships get stuck in a rut. Add variety, push some boundaries. Dress up, remember how it used to be when you started to go out with your partner, remember what turned you on about them then. Talk about your fantasies, and about theirs.

Don't neglect some of the most important aspects of foreplay like kissing. Hell, don't neglect the foreplay! A lot of women are unable to climax through orgasm so 9 times out of 10 these women are left frustrated because they need oral to orgasm. If your man comes every time you have sex, why the hell shouldn't you, too?

OK, I touched on a sore point here...ahem...I'll shut up now....;)

You can find out more about author Carrie White and her writings at her website, Hentracks, and at her blog, Ink's Erotica.

Rachel Kramer Bussel on One Night Stands and Other Fantasies For Couples

One of the most popular themes in erotic stories is the "one night stand" or "sex with strangers" theme. It's a dark stormy night, they are trapped in an unfamiliar place... all alone, until... Or their eyes lock at the airport and they share more than a taxi...

I know many happily married people who would never stray or cheat who love these sorts of stories. I don't think it means their relationship is 'doomed' *wink* But I thought I'd ask Rachel Kramer Bussel, erotic author, editor and host of the erotic reading series, In The Flesh, what she thought...

Rachel, what do you think reading 'one night stand' or 'sex with a stranger' stories means as far as the reader's relationship goes? What are these readers looking for?

I think there's a massive difference between having a fantasy and especially reading or writing an erotica story and wanting to actually do that thing in real life. But plenty of people like to explore the idea of opening up their relationship. I think it's totally natural to get turned on by other people, whether real people or celebrities or strangers you pass on the street. It doesn't mean anything in terms of the person you're actually with, and to me, one of the hottest things couples can do is fantasize together. So rather than just keeping your lust for your hot new coworker a secret, you can tell your husband or wife or boyfriend or girlfriend and together you can weave a fantasy about what you would do with that person. Or you don't even have to go there; you can fantasize about what that person's sex life is like, you can put all your most naughty thoughts onto them.

I think people turn to erotica to give them something they don't necessarily have in their sex life, or to share something with a partner, to either read aloud or explore in their head. I would say most people have sexual fantasies lurking somewhere in their minds, whether overtly or in the more hidden reaches and reading erotica can help bring that out. I certainly don't think it means a relationship is doomed even if you have the wildest fantasies imaginable. In some
ways, I'd worry about a person if they never had some wild, outrageous sexual fantasy.

For instance, in She's on Top there's a story called "Working Late" by Andrea Dale. Here's a snippet:

"Good. Keep stroking yourself, but not enough to come yet."

I imagined his hand gripping his hard, slick length under the desk, sliding from balls to tip, with a little twist at the end to give the head extra stimulation. It was something I loved to watch, but I could imagine well enough.

My toes curled in my stockings. I wanted him. Soon.

"Ma'am!"

"Yes, Jack?"

He was frozen in place, eyes wide.

"I just saw my boss walk by. I . . . I need to stop."

Felicity Jordan, his new CEO. He'd admitted he was quite attracted to her. She was a sexy thing, to be sure: forty-five and mature, with a gym-strong body and wheat-colored hair cut in a thick bob.

"No," I said. "Keep going."

He broke protocol then, but I wouldn't hold it against him because he had a valid point. "We agreed this would never interfere with or jeopardize my job."

"And it won't, Jack. Keep going." I smiled again, a fresh wave of desire shivering through me as the game advanced. "I've made arrangements with Felicity. That would be Ms. Jordan to you tonight."

It explores how a husband's fantasies about another woman get incorporated into his kinky exchange with his wife. I think sometimes people feel so threatened by the idea of their partner thinking of someone else in that way, they fail to appreciate how erotic it can be to draw out that fantasy, tease the person, ask what exactly they would do if they got their object of affection all alone. I'm sure it can't be just me who gets off on hearing my partner share intimate details about what they think about when they jerk off. To me, that's such a precious insight into their mind and libido and I truly treasure it.

How can a couple address these issues in their own relationships?

There are different ways, but I think the first is to acknowledge the reality that over time, you'll likely want to do things your partner might not or have erotic thoughts that aren't exactly in line with your partner's, and that's okay. The trick is to figure out how you can combine them, where your interests do intersect, and how you can make this process hot for both of you.

I'm a huge fan of talking dirty, but maybe you're more visual. Finding ways to just add a new twist, whether that's eating a meal naked in your kitchen or having some special symbol for "I'm horny" that you can flash to each other at a party or on an airplane. Maybe it's writing erotic letters (or emails or text messages) to each other. There are lots of ways, and they can be subtle. Even if you're shy and don't want to explicitly talk about your fantasy, you can hint to your partner -- or make them guess.

I think accepting that fantasies of all kinds are perfectly healthy and don't threaten the relationship, which I consider part of self-love, is the first step, then together figuring out how you want to deal with such fantasies. And making sure you each have room for solo time, whether for masturbation, porn, erotic reading, or just having some area of your life that may be all your own, whether a few minutes pleasuring yourself in the shower or those intimate thoughts you don't wind up sharing but keep tucked away.

Here's a snippet from He's on Top, from Gwen Masters' story "Confession," which is a bit rougher and darker than what I was just talking about but addresses the essence of silence and fantasy and love and betrayal and arousal in this story about cheating -- and making up.

"Did you confess all your sins, Clarice?"

"Yes."

"I want you to confess them to me. I want you to tell me all the bad things you have done. I want you to tell me how you fucked me even while you didn't love me, and I want you to tell me how you faked those orgasms, and I want you to tell me how bad you want this cock in your ass."

Clarice started to tremble. The head of her husband's cock pressed hard against her back door and she tensed up, suddenly afraid.

"Confess," he whispered.

"I fucked a man I didn't love," she said, and as she did, she felt him push harder. Now there was a slow burning sensation between her cheeks, but she found it was more pleasant than anything else. "I faked orgasms for a long time. I acted like the good wife when I really wasn't."

"Tell me more."

"I played with myself while my husband was at work," she said, and Max paused in surprise. Clarice bit down hard on her lip while the burning spread, filling her whole center, making her whimper in protest.

"I'm not going to stop," he said, "Because I know you don't want me to. Confess."

"When I played with myself I pretended that I was fucking someone else. I pretended my husband was tied to the chair in the bedroom and made to watch while someone else made me come over and over and over."

Max pushed harder. Clarice cried out with the sudden flash of pain. Almost immediately the pleasure took over and then there was a dull roaring in her ears, the sound of her own blood pumping furiously. Her clit throbbed.

"Do you like being fucked up the ass, Clarice? Do you like feeling like a slut? Only sluts do that, you know. No good Catholic girl would dream of letting a man sodomize her. This makes you a Godless heathen, doesn't it? It makes you a slut, Clarice."

With that her husband shoved his cock to the hilt, buried himself between her cheeks and ground down hard against her. It hurt like hell but God help her, she wanted it. She cried out and thrashed under him, not sure if she really wanted to get away, knowing damn good and well he wouldn't let her anyway.

About Rachel Kramer Bussel:

I've edited a dozen anthologies, most recently He's on Top, She's on Top, Caught Looking and Naughty Spanking Stories from A to Z. My website is rachelkramerbussel.com and my blogs are Lusty Lady and the less naughty, but still very seductive, Cup Cakes Take The Cake.

The Thrill of True Intimacy

I love to write stories that focus on intimacy. In fact, I try to find intimacy somewhere in any story, whether it be a scenario of a one-night-stand or a long-term relationship. Intimacy is all about emotion, about the connections that little to do with the sexual act itself, but can make that act so much more pleasing.

Creating intimacy in stories means creating a character that readers can relate to, someone who has fears and issues and needs that mirror our own. If you feel as though you are reading about a friend instead of a character created on a page, then you've just read a story that's loaded with intimacy. Creating that is sometimes very easy; other times, it's not so easy, because it means delving into my own psyche, my own relationships, and finding parts to share with the world. It's like a very intense, personal therapy session.

That deep introspection came into play when I wrote Something Old, Something New, one of my short stories featured on Tit-Elation. The story is about Karen and Heather, two women who have kids, mortgages, long-term marriages and years of friendship between them. When they walk into a thrift store to buy jeans for their kids, they stumble upon the basket of lingerie - and the wheels begin to turn.

Karen picked up a leopard print thong and a matching bra and announced, "These are mine!"

Heather was more for the black lingerie. Anything black - it was suddenly what she had to have. Why hadn't she done this in so long? She remembered shopping for things when she was dating Ken, spending hours in lingerie stores, when she had more money than she knew what to do with, before kids and responsibilities came along. She used to surprise him with new things. Pretty gowns, gorgeous babydoll outfits, even negligees with daring cutouts in all the right places. Where had that woman gone?

How long has it been since they dressed up for their husbands? In the midst of their busy lives, the dial on their sex lives has been turned way down, and they hadn't noticed it until now. The days of newlyweds are long gone – but could they possibly bring them back?

Even in the most solid relationship, even when you know someone better than you know yourself, there is still room for sensual surprise. When Karen brings home a drawerful of lingerie, she rekindles a passion in her husband that reminds her of the things that attracted her in the first place.

I wrote that story with an eye toward my own life. My sex life with my partner was good, but what could I do to make it better? What were the first things to fall to the wayside in the course of our busy lives? What was it that connected me to him in the very beginning, when our love was fresh and new? What could I do to find those things again?

It wasn't at all about the sexuality - it was about the things that made the sexuality richer. When I paid attention to the little details of romance, everything about our lives went from good to fantastic.

I left love notes in unexpected places. I made a point of wearing his favorite perfume. I cuddled with him in restaurants and held his hand in public. I sent him emails telling him what I loved about him. I called him at work and teased him with my words. I bought clothes that appealed to him - even those stiletto heeled boots I swore I would never wear! I wore them and they turned him on, not just because he loves a woman in stiletto heels, but because I had remembered that small fact and then made a point of acting upon it.

Most importantly, we talked. I told him about my fears, my dreams, my desires, and he told me such things in return. As I learned more about him, I learned about things that turned him on - even after I thought I knew everything that made him tick!

When we went to bed at night, the intimacy I had shown him outside of the bedroom translated to glorious sexual intimacy between the sheets.

That growing intimacy between us did wonders for my own emotional well-being. I was wearing those heels for him in the beginning, but soon I was wearing them for me - because they made me feel sexy. Writing a love note made me feel desirable, as I described all the things I loved about him and all the reasons I was attracted to him. I started to do things for myself that made me feel deliciously sensual, like getting a massage, having my nails done, or buying new lingerie.
The confidence that shone from my sensuality boosted his confidence, too. He felt like the stud I couldn't wait to get my hands on. I felt like the woman he desired above all else.

We kept the lines of communication open, made a conscientious effort to please each other outside of the bedroom, and kept our emotional connection strong. Now our time behind that bedroom door is a reflection of just how good the rest of our relationship really is.

One of the most important lessons I've learned over the years is this: Intimacy with yourself is just as important as intimacy with your partner. The two of them feed from one another, grow together, and leave you not only as a more satisfied person, but as half of a much happier couple.

© Gwen Masters

Gwen Masters is a redheaded southern belle who drives way too fast, plays the music way too loud, and writes some of my favorite erotica. You can find out more about her at her website, GwenMasters.Net, and her bog.

Sexploration

There comes a time in every relationship where the sex just gets boring! Ok, I'm sure that there are some relationships out there where this isn't a fact, but I know that it happens often. There's a reason why 1 in 5 marriages are non-sexual (numbers varying depending on what study you're looking at). The fact of the matter is women (and sometimes men) just get tired of the old "you do this to me and I do this to you and then you sigh like that and I move on to part two..." routine. That's the point - it gets to be routine when you learn what you partner likes. And you might be giving them orgasms, but it doesn't mean it hasn't gotten boring.

Try taking a break from sex. Seriously. Just intercourse though. You're still going to have some fun. Take the amount of time that passes between your sexual encounters with you partner and double it. Now for that amount of time, vow that there will be no penetration between you (if you're a lesbian couple replace penetration with whatever is your definition of the culmination of sex). Or no orgasms. But that doesn't mean no intimacy.

For one night focus on touch. You can touch each other however you like but you can't move on to penetration. Find new erogenous zones, bring the excitement high, then back up until you are both calm. The next night, focus on your audio-erotic senses. Read each other naughty stories, listen to sensual music, or tell you partner what you would like him or her to do to you. Play little games with each other for the next while until you time is up.

When you time is up, bring every thing you have learned about your partner with you to the bedroom. Use it and play with it. This time you can culminate your passions any way you choose. Whatever you do, I'll bet it won't be boring.