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Erotic Fantasies: To Share Or Not To Share (Part One)

The matter of when ~ and if so, how ~ to share erotic fantasies often comes up. Since Secondhand Rose had recently shared her 'shameful perversion' and had mentioned the difficulty in sharing this with lovers, I asked her to address the issue. Here's what she said.

First of all, let me firmly state that as a writer and a phone sex operator who deals in delivering fantasies -- and as a woman who has gone about trying to live them -- there are times when fantasies should remain untried.

This does not mean you shouldn't share them with your partner. Discussing sexual fantasies is not only fun, but it certainly is a part of feeling understood and accepted by your partner. However, just because a lover accepts your fantasies it doesn't mean acting them out is a good idea. On the contrary, sometimes it's a horrible idea.

Sometimes it's a horrible idea if the fantasy's not been particularly well thought-out. It could be you don't realize where that fantasy comes from, where it might take you...

Maybe swapping & sharing partners seems like a thrill, but what about jealousy? Real or imagined, jealousy can be a huge relationship problem, lasting longer than the few minutes of hot action. On the flip side, what if your partner flips for a new partner? Those considering such fantasies need to consider all the possible relationship pratfalls and pitfalls before getting others involved. (For those interested, I highly recommend reading Polyamorously Perverse.)

The trick to avoiding problems is to think about the fantasy, asking yourself, "Just what is this really about?" Why it thrills, what the arousal is from, knowing these things makes it easier to even consider acting them out. Discussing it with a partner might be the best way to see the light of dark fantasies; they'll often point out what they see going on (just don't shoot them for being the messenger!). So think and discuss away, and see if the fantasy still stays.

Forcing yourself to think about fantasies, stripping them of their glamour and appeal to look at the worst-case-scenarios, is the best way to avoid perversion purgatory. And, if you think your fantasies can't survive such scrutiny, then I suggest they are too fragile to stand the real life action too.

It's hard to turn a heavenly erotic fantasy into earthly carnal delights if you've not examined it every-which-way -- not just for the possible consequences, but for it's specificness.

Fantasies have a poor chance of becoming reality if they are not based in reality, and sometimes we've created such specific scenes in our heads that they just can't become reality. As my dear friend, Angela, wrote:

Here is what I did find for myself: I have some very specific taboo fantasies, which have nothing to do with my reality and who I am. But, I did share them with one lover. He tried to act the fantasies out with me. And as good as he was in bed, the fantasy didn't work. God Bless him, he tried.

Sooo....I've come to the conclusion that my fantasy is mine alone. It's so much better in my head than in a real bed.

This can (and will) happen when you've been fantasising about something so specific (and often for quite some time) that no reality can match it. No matter how willing, a partner cannot anticipate your needs as precisely as your imagination can. It's not their fault; there's really no way for a living person to be able to do & say just as you want, when you want, especially when they're up against a script you've perfected in your head for years.

There are some fantasies, no matter what you do or who you do them with, which will ever fade against the vivid images & sensations in your mind.

My last warning about making sex fantasies real has to do with another simple reality of fantasies: they can be selfish.

While fetish and BDSM fantasies are often too specific, making them troublesome to bring to life, the fantasies are often so 'all about you' that the other person is not more than a prop. Often it's about what you feel, not about anything -- anyone -- else. Take the desire to be spanked where the person spanking you is about as just the person wielding the leather paddle, not a person whose arousal matters. As necessary as the paddle, maybe; but about as cared for. When fantasies are so one-sided, so completely about you, it's not fair to ask a lover to play along.

This is often why kink that falls under the BDSM or fetish banners is so powerful as erotic entertainment, and why it's prolific at story sites and good business with PSOs. It's not that these fantasies, or any fantasy, cannot be shared but it's that they are less able to survive in the real world where the fantasy of one must meet the satisfaction of two.

Fantasies like these are often best saved for solo-entertainment, or shared as an aphrodisiac to get lovers in the mood, but not be the sex acts themselves.

Angela recently discussed the differences between fantasies delivered by Professional Dominatrixes and real-world domination. It was a conversation started by Bitchy Jones, and you really should read it, but here's something wise Angela said:

Not all men want to actually BE DOMINATED FOR REAL, thank you very much. They want their impossible fantasy, just for a little bit. They are self-aware enough, and perhaps even self-protective enough, to occasionally get their dirty little itch scratched (via a phone dom or a pro dom), and then get back to the business of their everyday lives. I actually understand wanting a fantasy and not a reality. Because what I get off on by myself and what I get off with a partner are two very different things.

It's a good thing to know if and when there is a difference.

In any of these cases, you can keep the fantasy alive best via a written or a spoken story, or by talking about it with a partner; but it might be best to leave it at that and not ask a partner to participate in it.

However, if you are clear on your fantasies and still believe they are safe to move to reality, then stick around because next time I'll discuss how to share them -- and get them happily fulfilled.

© Secondhand Rose, a writer turned phone companion and conversationalist, who can be found at her blog, Secondhand Rose.

Fantasy Vs. Reality: What Is Cheating?

(Cross-post at BlogHer)

This week's TMI Tuesday was an interesting one. The first task was to define "infidelity" as it relates to a relationship, and I stated that the definition really is a unique agreement between parties and that too often this isn't actually discussed but is an unspoken set of assumptions ~ and that's where misunderstandings and heartbreak reside.

As a sex worker I've pondered infidelity and cheating often. I've knowingly participated in 'his affair', and for that I'm often hated; but I know that I'm not responsible for the decisions of another. "Isn't it unethical to come between another couple's relationship?" I'm asked. "I can only make my own responsible decisions," is my reply, "I do not have the power to consent for anyone else."

Of course, making responsible decisions for myself involves being honest and clear with myself so that I can do the same with my partner(s). Would that we'd all be so aware.

Sex workers are often quizzed on their own relationships. "Isn't your work cheating on your partner?" I've been asked. I never saw it that way. It's work. However, personally, once I began a committed relationship, it was often difficult for me to work. My gigs, as such, were not just screwing episodes. I put more of myself into those appointments than just my body parts. I won't say I was in love with clients, but I sure didn't hate them. I loved in an 'all of humanity' way and so it was intimate work for my soul. This was more difficult when I was personally attached, or becoming so, with another. At those times I quit. That was my choice. Other sex pros I know were more capable of separating personal from professional than I, and they carried on with work and relationship quite comfortably.

But is it cheating? Well, not if I'm honest with my partner(s) and they agree.

I've discussed with partners, past and current, about how they'd feel with my continuing to work and being with them. Most had no problems ~ perhaps because it was 'in theory'. I cannot say for certain. It also takes a rather open man to both have no insecurities and be free of moral judgments, so perhaps they are just that special. Most understood the distinctions between fantasy and reality. Paid escort work is fantasy; dating me is reality. They aren't the same experience. (And heaven knows several of my exes wish they could pay me so that I'd be the girl they wanted!)

But other people are not so clear in their understanding.

Another sex worker, Secondhand Rose, recently had a conversation about her phone sex work. And it's clear that her husband's friend, Mike, doesn't trust her work, to which Rose responds:

Mike, I guess you need to see the difference between action and words, between fantasy and reality. That's what entertainment is. Phone sex is about sex, yes, but it's entertainment. When you watch Die Hard, you aren't really blowing shit up -- you're just pretending. You're entertained. Just one of the many reasons why phone work is legal and prostitution isn't.

When he is not convinced, Rose's husband speaks up:

Mike: And that doesn't bother you, Rob? To know some other guy's getting off to -- or even with -- your wife?!

Rob: So what if she does? I'm not the freakin' masturbation police, or her keeper. I know for a fact she gets off writing her stories, so what's the difference if she's creating them on the phone? When she writes humor pieces I hear her giggling at her own wit at the computer -- the only danger here is that Rose will fall even more in love with herself, making her harder to live with, and her large head means we will have to buy expensive custom hats.

I've often advised erotica as an outlet for those people in relationships where a fantasy or a fetish is not going to be shared in the relationship, and I certainly include calling a PSO in that category. But then I'm a sex worker, so I 'would', says my friend, Kim.

She was aghast that I'd even think such a thing. Here's how our conversation went...

"Rick paying for phone sex would be cheating!"

"Why? It's no different than reading an erotic story from a book or listening to recorded erotica ~ other than this is less passive, it's interactive."

"That's the problem ~ he'd be getting off with her, not just the story."

"He'd be getting off to a story, a fantasy, she's creating for him. It's not 'her' as a person."

"She is a person, and she's talking sex with my husband!"

"Yes, but she's not 'herself'; she's a fantasy."

"But he's telling her private, intimate things..."

"Yes, but things you've made it clear he shouldn't share with you. It's about the fantasy, not her."

"But what if he likes that she can go there and so starts to fall for her...?"

"If he should do that then he's just as likely to fall for some chick in a magazine or on TV. He's not living here but in fantasy land. It can happen ~ it does happen ~ but as a pro, she'll set him back right. She'll tell him where the lines are, and if he can't grasp that, she'll not accept his calls."

"How can you be so sure?"

"A female sex worker is still a woman. She doesn't want to be some fantasy woman adored for the illusion, she too wants to be adored for herself. She's not going to accept a relationship where it's clearly based on the fantasy, a fantasy world, not reality. That's why I say a pro is better than some chat room or a 'free' call ~ she's a pro, not someone desperate for or playing at a relationship. The pro will play, be entertainment; but she's not going to be satisfied with playing pretend for the rest of her life."

"What if she is?"

"Then she's as unstable as the guy and they're both in trouble. Does that sound like Rick?"

She said, "No," but she's still not convinced that Rick calling a PSO would be the same as his masturbating to photos online, to a porno, or to a story in a book...

What do you say? Is calling a phone sex operator cheating? Or is it the same as any other sex fantasy read in a book or in photos?

Carrie White: Seven Years of Creating Fantasies

Carrie White is based in London, but her erotic literary work has gained international respect ~ proving love and lust know no international boundaries.

She began writing professionally in the year 2000 and has been published in many web-based publications, printed erotic magazines and has also made various international T.V appearances, including Playboy's Sexcetera & Men & Motors' Fetish Seen.

That's seven years of creating fantasies... Professionally anyway. *wink* How does she do it? Let's ask her.

Carrie, coming up with story after story, fantasy after fantasy, how do you do it and not become bored or jaded? What puts the spark back in the writer?

It's easy to get bored writing the same type of stories all the time as you probably know so over the years I've been slowly changing the way I write.

When I first started as an erotic writer, I just stuck to heterosexual sex as it was so easy but then I got fed up with writing about that and wanted to liven things up a bit so I tried writing about lesbian/bisexual sex. After that, I made some attempts at writing gay sex. They all sound so easy to do but they each have their own difficulties to overcome. For example, gay sex is hard to write about if you're a woman and haven't a clue as to how men relate to one another. It takes time, practice and research to figure it out and I've got it wrong on many occasions!

I'm also attempting to write outside of my usual interests though I wouldn't go so far into those areas because I feel my stories have to turn me on to work. I've written some light spanking stories again back with heterosexual couples.

I've also wanted to write about situations and sexual liaisons outside of the conventional meetings between people, i.e. Dogging or Glory hole sex. Just to spice things up for me as well as my readers. I will not, however, write about anything that I do not find overly exciting myself e.g. fetishes like men in nappies or dressing up in animal costumes.

I have been known to add a bit of psychological horror or intrigue in with my erotic stories; not enough to class them as erotic horror but just enough to add a twist. It's also not usually strong enough for readers to say, "Gads, that does not turn me on!" I like to think it makes them think, lol, but I could be wrong!

What lessons are there here for couples?

The lessons here that I see for couples is that if erotic writers can become bored and uninspired whilst writing about sex, isn't it then likely or possible that couples may also become stale in the bedroom?

To keep churning out the same old style and type of stories as a writer is equally as bad as letting your intimate relationships get stuck in a rut. Add variety, push some boundaries. Dress up, remember how it used to be when you started to go out with your partner, remember what turned you on about them then. Talk about your fantasies, and about theirs.

Don't neglect some of the most important aspects of foreplay like kissing. Hell, don't neglect the foreplay! A lot of women are unable to climax through orgasm so 9 times out of 10 these women are left frustrated because they need oral to orgasm. If your man comes every time you have sex, why the hell shouldn't you, too?

OK, I touched on a sore point here...ahem...I'll shut up now....;)

You can find out more about author Carrie White and her writings at her website, Hentracks, and at her blog, Ink's Erotica.

Rachel Kramer Bussel on One Night Stands and Other Fantasies For Couples

One of the most popular themes in erotic stories is the "one night stand" or "sex with strangers" theme. It's a dark stormy night, they are trapped in an unfamiliar place... all alone, until... Or their eyes lock at the airport and they share more than a taxi...

I know many happily married people who would never stray or cheat who love these sorts of stories. I don't think it means their relationship is 'doomed' *wink* But I thought I'd ask Rachel Kramer Bussel, erotic author, editor and host of the erotic reading series, In The Flesh, what she thought...

Rachel, what do you think reading 'one night stand' or 'sex with a stranger' stories means as far as the reader's relationship goes? What are these readers looking for?

I think there's a massive difference between having a fantasy and especially reading or writing an erotica story and wanting to actually do that thing in real life. But plenty of people like to explore the idea of opening up their relationship. I think it's totally natural to get turned on by other people, whether real people or celebrities or strangers you pass on the street. It doesn't mean anything in terms of the person you're actually with, and to me, one of the hottest things couples can do is fantasize together. So rather than just keeping your lust for your hot new coworker a secret, you can tell your husband or wife or boyfriend or girlfriend and together you can weave a fantasy about what you would do with that person. Or you don't even have to go there; you can fantasize about what that person's sex life is like, you can put all your most naughty thoughts onto them.

I think people turn to erotica to give them something they don't necessarily have in their sex life, or to share something with a partner, to either read aloud or explore in their head. I would say most people have sexual fantasies lurking somewhere in their minds, whether overtly or in the more hidden reaches and reading erotica can help bring that out. I certainly don't think it means a relationship is doomed even if you have the wildest fantasies imaginable. In some
ways, I'd worry about a person if they never had some wild, outrageous sexual fantasy.

For instance, in She's on Top there's a story called "Working Late" by Andrea Dale. Here's a snippet:

"Good. Keep stroking yourself, but not enough to come yet."

I imagined his hand gripping his hard, slick length under the desk, sliding from balls to tip, with a little twist at the end to give the head extra stimulation. It was something I loved to watch, but I could imagine well enough.

My toes curled in my stockings. I wanted him. Soon.

"Ma'am!"

"Yes, Jack?"

He was frozen in place, eyes wide.

"I just saw my boss walk by. I . . . I need to stop."

Felicity Jordan, his new CEO. He'd admitted he was quite attracted to her. She was a sexy thing, to be sure: forty-five and mature, with a gym-strong body and wheat-colored hair cut in a thick bob.

"No," I said. "Keep going."

He broke protocol then, but I wouldn't hold it against him because he had a valid point. "We agreed this would never interfere with or jeopardize my job."

"And it won't, Jack. Keep going." I smiled again, a fresh wave of desire shivering through me as the game advanced. "I've made arrangements with Felicity. That would be Ms. Jordan to you tonight."

It explores how a husband's fantasies about another woman get incorporated into his kinky exchange with his wife. I think sometimes people feel so threatened by the idea of their partner thinking of someone else in that way, they fail to appreciate how erotic it can be to draw out that fantasy, tease the person, ask what exactly they would do if they got their object of affection all alone. I'm sure it can't be just me who gets off on hearing my partner share intimate details about what they think about when they jerk off. To me, that's such a precious insight into their mind and libido and I truly treasure it.

How can a couple address these issues in their own relationships?

There are different ways, but I think the first is to acknowledge the reality that over time, you'll likely want to do things your partner might not or have erotic thoughts that aren't exactly in line with your partner's, and that's okay. The trick is to figure out how you can combine them, where your interests do intersect, and how you can make this process hot for both of you.

I'm a huge fan of talking dirty, but maybe you're more visual. Finding ways to just add a new twist, whether that's eating a meal naked in your kitchen or having some special symbol for "I'm horny" that you can flash to each other at a party or on an airplane. Maybe it's writing erotic letters (or emails or text messages) to each other. There are lots of ways, and they can be subtle. Even if you're shy and don't want to explicitly talk about your fantasy, you can hint to your partner -- or make them guess.

I think accepting that fantasies of all kinds are perfectly healthy and don't threaten the relationship, which I consider part of self-love, is the first step, then together figuring out how you want to deal with such fantasies. And making sure you each have room for solo time, whether for masturbation, porn, erotic reading, or just having some area of your life that may be all your own, whether a few minutes pleasuring yourself in the shower or those intimate thoughts you don't wind up sharing but keep tucked away.

Here's a snippet from He's on Top, from Gwen Masters' story "Confession," which is a bit rougher and darker than what I was just talking about but addresses the essence of silence and fantasy and love and betrayal and arousal in this story about cheating -- and making up.

"Did you confess all your sins, Clarice?"

"Yes."

"I want you to confess them to me. I want you to tell me all the bad things you have done. I want you to tell me how you fucked me even while you didn't love me, and I want you to tell me how you faked those orgasms, and I want you to tell me how bad you want this cock in your ass."

Clarice started to tremble. The head of her husband's cock pressed hard against her back door and she tensed up, suddenly afraid.

"Confess," he whispered.

"I fucked a man I didn't love," she said, and as she did, she felt him push harder. Now there was a slow burning sensation between her cheeks, but she found it was more pleasant than anything else. "I faked orgasms for a long time. I acted like the good wife when I really wasn't."

"Tell me more."

"I played with myself while my husband was at work," she said, and Max paused in surprise. Clarice bit down hard on her lip while the burning spread, filling her whole center, making her whimper in protest.

"I'm not going to stop," he said, "Because I know you don't want me to. Confess."

"When I played with myself I pretended that I was fucking someone else. I pretended my husband was tied to the chair in the bedroom and made to watch while someone else made me come over and over and over."

Max pushed harder. Clarice cried out with the sudden flash of pain. Almost immediately the pleasure took over and then there was a dull roaring in her ears, the sound of her own blood pumping furiously. Her clit throbbed.

"Do you like being fucked up the ass, Clarice? Do you like feeling like a slut? Only sluts do that, you know. No good Catholic girl would dream of letting a man sodomize her. This makes you a Godless heathen, doesn't it? It makes you a slut, Clarice."

With that her husband shoved his cock to the hilt, buried himself between her cheeks and ground down hard against her. It hurt like hell but God help her, she wanted it. She cried out and thrashed under him, not sure if she really wanted to get away, knowing damn good and well he wouldn't let her anyway.

About Rachel Kramer Bussel:

I've edited a dozen anthologies, most recently He's on Top, She's on Top, Caught Looking and Naughty Spanking Stories from A to Z. My website is rachelkramerbussel.com and my blogs are Lusty Lady and the less naughty, but still very seductive, Cup Cakes Take The Cake.

The Public Exposure of Roxanne

Gracie interviews Roxanne Rhoads, a freelance writer, erotica author and poet from the mid-west.

When it comes to male characters, do you draw from real life or do you create characters who will do the things you think are 'missing' or that you want men to do?

I mix it up. Some of my characters are drawn from real life some from the deepest parts of my imagination and fantasies. Mostly they are a combination of men in my life, both past and present, with added features. Reality never seems to be as good as fantasy, though sometimes it can get close.

I think writers create their own fantasies and live them out in their stories as much as readers want to escape into the stories.

What was one of the most seductive things you've ever made a female character do? Is this something you would do/have done?

Sex in public (out in the open) is probably one of these most seductive things I've made a female character do. I think it is most seductive because it is the most out of character thing for me. I'm more of a "I'll do pretty much anything as long as it's behind closed doors" type of girl. I'm more of a voyeur than an exhibitionist and being totally open and exposed like that is something I don't know if I could do in real life, but I fantasize about it.

It is a re-occurring scene in many of my stories; Renata and the Vampire Hunter, Eternal Passions, and PrincessBreastia's Quest for Desire, all have public/outdoor sex scenes. Perhaps it is one of my biggest sub-conscious desires and that's why I keep writing about it...

Why don't you try this fantasy ~ how do you decide to let it remain a fantasy and not
try it?

I think the fear of being caught in a compromising position is the biggest reason the "sex in public/outside" fantasy will remain a fantasy. Plus the fact that if you're caught it is illegal. :-)

If the right circumstances were to ever come up I would love to fulfil one major fantasy that involves having sex
outside - that would be having sex in the steamy rain on a hot summer day (or night). But it would have to be in a secluded area where the chances of being caught would be slim to none.

Some people thrive on the fear, the chance that they will be caught or seen but like I said before I'm not much of an exhibitionist.

Roxanne's work has appeared in Playgirl Magazine, and on many websites including Tit-elation.com, JustusRoux.com, TheEroticWoman.com, and OystersandChocolate.com. Her paranormal erotica story Renata and the Vampire Hunter is available at LadyAibell.com.

Discussing Your Fantasies

Discussing your fantasies can be a difficult thing.

All the sex experts recommend that you talk to your partner about your fantasies, if you want to experience them, but I wonder, have they ever done so?

Discussing your fantasies can often set you up for failure.

Sometimes our fears of sounding like a freak make us delve into the 'why' more than the 'how' and with the dissection you might actually have to look as parts of yourself that are not as attractive as firm breasts or a rock hard dick...

You might have to look at part of yourself that expose way more than your naked body ~ your soul.

For me, my little rape fantasy is contains elements of my desire to let go of the control... And while it takes trust to hand myself over physically to a lover in such a fashion, it takes even more to admit it. That kind of standing-naked-emotionally-before-you is not really Gracie's style...

And sometimes the high expectations of just trying to carry out something you have fantasized about for a long time can make the reality a poor substitute.

It sure can put pressure on a partner to feel the need to live up to something too. Or worse yet, they can take your fantasy to think they have not been 'doing it right.' That's a conversation no one wants to have, right?

Now you have an insecure person who bared their soul, and an insecure person trying to fulfill a fantasy... How great will that sex be?

Gracie is not saying "don't share your fantasies" ~ not at all. It's just Gracie's opinion that the 'experts' who advise to tell a partner just never give the part of the advice we need: How to share a fantasy without ruining it.

Maybe that is why so many folks are meeting on the Internet. In groups where the fantasy is a 'given' so there is no explaining to do.

I know that is why many clients seek escorts. No need to worry about explaining to a pro 'why,' all you have to do is agree it is allowed.

I guess we all need relationships where we can do it because it is allowed and not have to dwell too much in the 'why it works' areas... Unless you like that kind of brain play, intimacy & sharing. Then just ignore Gracie. *wink*