Sunday, August 19, 2007

"If you jump into bed on a first date, it's already over" and other Myths

People have a lot of preconceived misperceptions about love. But it is important to remember that there are no universal truths to love - only your truths. What happened to you is your truth and you will remember it until the day you die. And you will likely live by it as well. However, to your best friend, or the guy in the apartment next door, or the lady behind the counter at the corner store - your truth may not apply. In fact, it likely doesn't.

For example, take the whole idea of "love at first sight." Some swear by it. Others think it is a myth. For some it will always be a myth and they'll never experience the joys and the pains of love at first sight. Recently, there was an article at Romance Tracker called, "Love at First Sight - 3 Ways to Know It's Real." The three ways they gave as a sure fire way of knowing it was love at first site were: you don't want to rush things (physically), you see things in them that others don't, and you want to learn everything you can about them. Hmmm.

First, I'd like to say that just because you want to get intimate right away doesn't decrease the quality of love you have. I will admit that some people have sex and equate it with love and that does decrease their chances of building a solid relationship. But everyone is different. My husband and I have been intimate since our second date and I don't think that hurt us at all. Mind you, we do a lot of talking, laughing, and other non-physical intimate things together as well, so sex is not the mainstay of our relationship. I'd say if sex becomes the only reason for getting together then love is likely not what you're looking at. But just because you have sex doesn't mean that you're love (at first site or otherwise) is not real.

Now, the second point - you see things in them that others don't. That can be a good thing. I think I see a lot in my husband that others don't see and that is part of what makes us a great couple. I can also get past a lot of things that others might not be able to (anxiety/panic disorder is not an easy condition to live with for either party) and that makes us good for each other. But sometimes seeing things that others don't see can mean that you aren't seeing the things that others see.

If you see that he or she is an incredibly sensitive person with a great love for animals, that's great. But it's not so great if you focus on only that and refuse to see that he or she also has severe control issues that are going to impact your relationship in the future. Seeing good things about your partner is good. Making those the main focus and putting other things that are potentially dangerous are not.

Finally, you want to learn everything you can about them? Well, that almost sound kind of junior high to me. Of course, you want to learn about them. But it's important to remember that everyone has some secrets, everyone will have things that want to keep to themselves until they are ready to share, and if you are really in love you will respect that.

The bottom line is that every one's experiences with love - at first site, long standing, whatever type of love you think you are in - is conditional. It is based on your previous experiences, your morals, the norms of your society, and multitudes of other factors.

Love is what you make it to be. Don't expect yourself to fit into others definitions.

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