Sunday, September 2, 2007


Inside Jolie's Head - 9/2/2007

Currently, I'm reading Entangled Lives, edited by Marilyn Jaye Lewis. I will be writing a full review of the book at my other blog, but a part of the book has prompted this entry.

Entangled Lives is a memoir of seven top erotica writers. In Marilyn's "A Picture in a Frame," she talks about "E," a woman she had a relationship with for 20 years. During part, or perhaps all, of the relationship (I don't remember which) E had a girlfriend. So, E was having an affair with Marilyn. Marilyn never says whether she felt any shame or guilty feelings about sleeping with another woman's woman, but for me, affairs are wrong.

It's not that I haven't fooled around. I've been with my husband for over 20 years. Seven of those years as girlfriend and boyfriend and 20 of those years as a married couple. When I was in my 20's, before we had our now 16 and 13 year old children, I won a cruise to the Bahamas. I was married, but I was young and carefree with no middle aged weight gain, no perimenopause, no kids. As I stood in line waiting to embark, one of the crew asked me who I was cruising with. He was a very attractive brown skinned man from Amsterdam. I told him no one and his eyes lit up. "Oh," he said. Later, he called my room and we had sex. Yes, it is entirely wrong for a staff member to have sex with one of the passengers, and he obviously jotted down my room number so that he would have my phone number. But wrong or not, that's what happened. The next day I went to a bar, located on the ship, and met a white guy from London. (Since I was a slut the night before, I figured I'd be a slut again.) All of this was behind my husband's back. That was the first time.

The second time was with one of the women I dated. (I was very open with my husband about being bisexual, from day one. In fact, one of my female ex-lovers came to our wedding.) This woman I dated had a husband that wanted to be involved. This was against the rules I had set with my husband. As a bisexual woman, it was okay for me to be with a woman, but not another man. My husband was supposed to be the only man.

The third and last time was with my most recent female ex-lover. I wasn't supposed to get with her again after we broke up. I got myself into a situation where I was spending too much time with her. It's always been a situation where the relationship with my husband was primary and women were secondary. But my relationship with this woman took a lot of my time emotionally and physically. Before her I had not had a relationship with a female for five years, so my husband wasn't prepared for what my relationship with her would do to my relationship with him. I broke it off, but then I got back together with her behind his back.

Today, I am happy that these situations are over and that my husband knows everything now. When Marilyn talks about her affair with E, I have to put the fact that it was an affair deep in the recesses of my brain in order to enjoy the story. There's a scene where Marilyn is confronted by E's lover.

Unbeknownst to E, her lover had already confronted me once, taking me aside in the lobby of their building one night, telling me in no uncertain terms, all two hundred towering pounds of her, that if she ever found out that I was fucking around with E, I was going to be in serious trouble. And I believed her. I didn't stop fucking around with E, but nevertheless, I believed her.

I'm sure E's lover knew the truth, yet she made the decision to stay anyway.

What's nice about being 45 is that I've had a life. I've had relationships. I went for what I wanted and I got it. I don't crave anything (other than Soledad O'Brien), so that part is simpler. Now I'm a bisexual woman who writes lesbian erotica and who is living a primarily heterosexual, monogamous life. If I want to have sex with someone other than my husband, it's out in the open. The same goes for him. I regret cheating on him and I regret the dishonesty. An open, honest relationship is so much healthier.

What are your thoughts on infidelity? Make it anonymous if you want.
Jolie du Pre is a writer of lesbian erotica and erotic romance.
Music for blogging - Carrie Underwood

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At September 7, 2007 9:57 AM , Blogger RoriG said...

I think it's really great that you and your husband don't have to be constrained by your marriage. As long as everyone's honest and on the same page, how you deal with sex and others is completely your choice. Even if you do choose to be with other lovers from time to time, it sounds like you have a much healthier relationship than many married couples I know.

At September 7, 2007 12:26 PM , Blogger Jolie said...

Hi "rorig,"

Thanks for dropping by.

My marriage has had its ups and downs, but we've been together for over 20 years and we're happy, so we're doing something right.

The fact is, the older I get, the more monogamous I get. I've done everything, so now I just want to rest. LOL I'm in a different stage of my life now.


At September 14, 2007 2:18 PM , Blogger having my cake said...

It was really weird reading your stats. I was with my husband for seven years as bf/gf and now we've also been married for 20 years with kids of 16 and 13. Then come the differences. Im pretty positive that Im completely straight and Ive embarked on a passionate affair with a younger man that I adore because my libido has suddenly reignited. I know that Im being unfaithful now but I have wondered aloud when I actually became unfaithful. Was it actually the first time I fluttered my eyelashes virtually at another man on msn?

At September 15, 2007 10:15 AM , Blogger Jolie said...

Good question. If we're human and we have a pulse - we flirt. Is that cheating? Not in my book.


With a 16 year old and a 13 year old, I'm wondering how you have time for this "passionate affair." The last girlfriend I had took a lot of my time away from my family, which I felt was not a good thing - even though it wasn't behind my husband's back.


At September 15, 2007 12:07 PM , Blogger having my cake said...

Fortunately, they are just developing their own social lives so my absence is not as marked as it would have been. Doesnt stop me feeling any less guilty for leaving them tho. But I just got fed up with feeling as if Id died inside and to be a mother who can love, you have to be loved.


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